If there's one thing I can think of (off the top of my head) that should be avoided (at all costs) while hanging out with LM and The Bopper it would be this: a transvestite. So, naturally, this is exactly who we encountered at the grocery store while my sister and I were shopping with all four children. The minute we saw him (her?) we spun the children around in an about-face declaring, "come on kids! We forgot to grab an item in the farthest corner of the store-- let's go right now! Chop chop!"
Those who have any experience with either LM or The Bopper know exactly why we did this. Upon seeing the very tall and extremely...um, buxom individual-- yellow wig flowing in loose curls down his (her?) back and a skirt that definitely showed off some of his (her?) finer assets-- we knew that neither LM or The Bopper would be able to contain any exclamations, questions, observations or otherwise that they might have about this unique person. We were not in the mood to handle this sort of situation, so the only other option was to duck and run.
We weren't fast enough for Ruby Jane, however. She turned and whispered in my ear, "Mom, what was wrong with that woman?" I paused a moment to consider the many implications of this question before answering simply, "it's a man." Her eyes widened in disbelief. "Why would a man want to dress like that? Did you see how big his boobs were?" Yes, child, yes I did see that. He put Dolly to shame.
But the major crisis had been avoided. Somehow LM and his small cousin didn't ever catch a glimpse at the towering man in stiletto heels and mini skirt, and for that we were relieved. (Although, I'm sure I would have had an entirely different and far more amusing post than this one had we let them take a gander. But let's face it-- I'm not that brave.)
LM has been in a rather foul mood the last few days. He is completely obsessed with money at the moment (don't ask-- because I have no answer) and is a bit upset by his lack of it. I tried to use this situation as a lesson to him about greed, contentment, and...well, world hunger. (You can always fit world hunger into your lessons somehow. "Johnny, quit hitting your sister! There are starving kids in China!" See? It always makes sense.)
Anyway, his mood has not put a damper on his quote output. Again, we are on a roll.
1. LM: "Oh, I get it! Satan's like a weed, and we're the flowers!"
Me: (thinking we could definitely go somewhere with this analogy) "Yeah, LM!"
LM: (not finished yet) "...and our refrigerator is a mushroom, and our house is a tree...."
2. LM: "Mom, remind me to make a duke when we get home."
3. LM: (asking to pet dogs and chatting up folks while on our walk) "Hey, you wanna be our neighbor?"
LM: "I'll take that as a YES!"
4. LM: (pointing to a young man about 10 feet away with longish, curly dark hair) "Hey, look! Is that Aragorn?"
(Oh sure, LM! There's ol' Strider himself out and about on this fine day! Sadly, the hobbits couldn't join him....)
5. LM: "Can we go to McDonald's?"
LM: (pouting before brightening up) "I have an idea! Let's ask Grandma to take us. That way you don't have to pay, and I don't have to give you the silent treatment."
6. Ruby Jane: (looking at the long line in the women's bathroom) "Wow. Everyone must be really well hydrated today."
7. Nini: "You sure have a good imagination, LM."
LM: "I know-- I grew up in a funny family."
(That's funny as in ha ha, right? Right?)
8. The Bopper: (skipping along while singing) "Skip, skip, skip to the moose! Skip, skip, skip to the moose! Skip, skip, skip to the moose-- skip to the moose my darmin!"
(I so need some more nieces and nephews!)
9. The Bopper: (excited upon seeing her cousin walk through the door) "Ruby Jane! How your boobies doin'?"
(It's always nice when Ruby gets stunned into silence for a change. She usually prefers doing the stunning.)
10. Ruby Jane: "Mom, what does 'icky-feia' mean?"
Me: (laughing) "Why do you ask?"
Ruby: "That's what The Bopper calls our dog."
Me: (laughing even more) "It's English-Portuguese for 'icky-ugly'."
(For the record, my kids now call Carson "Icky-Feia" on a regular basis. And...it fits, I suppose.)
Well, I'm off to do something productive now! Like.... Like.... Help me out here-- what is it that productive housewives do exactly? Would that include things like laundry and dishes perchance? Ugh. Never mind.
So last night hubby and I attended an auction to benefit his place of employment. And in the booklet that described all of the fine items up for bid, I discovered one of my favorite typos ever. In fact, it made me laugh out loud-- but then again, I'm a bit quirky....
"All purchased items must be removed from the premises immediately after me auction is over."
I mean, who do they think we're donating to here? Captain Hook? "Ahoy, mateys! Welcome to me auction! Bid high on me treasure or I'll keelhaul your arses! Argggghhh!" Oh, I like it!
If only I was in charge of more things in this life....
I can't say I've ever thought about what it would be like to run errands with Megatron (the evil Decepticon leader of Transformers)-- the thought has never once crossed my mind. Like a lot of thoughts, actually.... But let's not get sidetracked here. The point is that tonight I got to find out, in real life, what it's like to be in public with Optimus Prime's archenemy. And actually, he's really a very charming fellow. (Cute butt, too.)
I had suggested to the kids this evening that we walk to the store and get a few snacks and a movie. At this news, LM immediately started undressing. "Uh, what are you doing?" I asked, confused. "I'm gonna wear my Megatron outfit," he stated matter-of-factly. "Ummm...but we're going to the store. You sure you want to look like Megatron at the store?" His sister pleaded with him to wear normal clothes, but her protestations fell on deaf ears. He had made up his mind-- he would walk to the store as Megatron, mask and all.
At the store we chose the critically acclaimed Chipmunks sequel, and then proceeded to grab a few snacks. One amused store employee came and asked if LM was a superhero. LM looked at the kind woman as if she were a poor, stupid creature. He promptly pulled his mask over his face and launched himself at her with a set of impressive karate moves and Megatronish sound-effects. Seeing that this did not help the lady identify his character any better, I whispered, "he's Megatron". But I don't think this information meant anything to her. She just kept smiling, shook her head, and said, "I have three daughters." (As if that explained her ignorance.)
On our way home we passed by an elderly neighbor who waved to us. LM shot by her yelling, "I can't stop farting!" I can only imagine what a Megatron fart smells like-- I am so glad I wasn't downwind for that. (Meanwhile, Ruby Jane was looking for a rock to crawl under.)
But you know, I'd totally take Megatron out again sometime. He made for very interesting company indeed. (And did I mention he has a really cute butt?)
Maybe you've noticed, maybe not.... But I haven't posted in over a week! I've been much too busy feeling sorry for myself. Strep throat-- again. How is it that I managed to avoid this particular nastiness my whole life, and then am mysteriously hit with it twice within the span of 6 weeks? I mean, my life hasn't exactly hit Job proportions yet, but it also hasn't been yippy-skippy either. Ah, and now that I've raised your spirits and made you smile, the quotes will simply be icing on the cake! Mmmmm...cake....
1. LM: (looking quizzically at his aunt's fancy 'do) "Your hair looks beautiful, but it's kinda ugly. But I still like you."
(Reminiscent of one of our all-time favorite LM phrases, "I hate it, but it's my favorite!")
2. The Bopper: (showing me her "booboo" which looked a couple weeks old.)
Me: "Can I kiss it?"
The Bopper: (examining the scab, contemplating) "No. Kisses won't work-- it's too stuck."
3. LM: (giving me a whiff after I got off the treadmill) "Ew, Mom, you don't smell so good."
(Always depend on LM to tell it like it is!)
4. LM: "I love God as big as a TRUCK! And Mom, I love you as big as a HUGE backpack...that can go in the truck."
(I don't know about you, but I'm still mulling over the profound implications of that statement.)
5. (Overheard at the tail-end of a conversation about Transformers LM was having with his teacher.)
LM: "...it's just a protoform."
Teacher: "What's a protoform?"
LM: "You know! It's what they put all-spark fragments in."
Teacher: (her bewildered face belying her words) "Oh, of course!"
6. LM: "Mom, let's go to Walmart and get some 'How to Train Your Dragon' toys."
Me: "But what if I don't want to buy any toys today?"
You are never going to believe this. I almost didn't believe it myself-- until he actually showed up at my door. You see, my dad came over to babysit this morning. Um, what's so remarkable about that, you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. My son has been fighting his umpteenth stomach bug of the school year (complete with multiple vomitous episodes and diarrhea to boot), and my dad actually offered to come hang with the boy this morning so I could take Ruby Jane to her dermatology appointment.
Now, if you know my dad well, you know that he has probably already abandoned the reading of this post at the mere mention of body fluid. (Heck, one time I referred to my belly-button in his presence and that even triggered a wince and an evacuation from the room.) The guy has a marshmallow stomach. (I can be brutally honest here, because as I mentioned, he's probably already dry-heaving over the toilet right now.) And if not, watch, I can get him outta here faster than you can say "placenta". Okay, we can speak freely now.
Anyway, as I was saying.... Puke. For some reason LM has a propensity for the stuff. And this morning was no exception. Breakfast went down, and promptly returned via the same route. I decided this situation justified a call to Mommy 911 (and, no, I'm not too old to call Mommy 911!). But my mommy wasn't available. Shoot, I thought, there goes Ruby's appointment. But as it turned out, all was not lost. Dad said, "well, what about if I came over while you went to the appointment?" Hmmmm.... "I don't think this is really a Popi job, Dad," I sighed. But he was not to be so easily dissuaded. I reminded him that actual barf had been projected from LM's mouth not a half hour before, but not even this (or LM's crying in the background) was enough to stop him. Dad?? Dad, is that really you??
So a half hour later he was at my door and Ruby and I were off. My hero! And I'm happy to report that his stay was uneventful. (Phew! Although finding out how he would have handled upchuck would have made for a highly amusing tale, I'm sure.) Ruby, on the other hand, was subjected to yet another biopsy.... A fun morning for all, I'd say!
So Dad, if you made it this far-- I just wanted to say...thanks.