Thursday, August 30, 2012

Er...Yeah, What He Said!

One last weekend before school starts. I'm pretty sure this was the shortest summer on record.

Anyway, I have nine new quotes today. And if you like hubby's sleep-talking bits, then you're in for a real treat-- he's been chatting up a storm.

1. LM: (praying) "And God, please give my dad a job-- because you haven't been treating us very kindly lately."
(I've typed and erased a half dozen parenthetical thoughts here, but I decided this quote just speaks for itself.)

2. LM: (talking about what he'd do if a deer chased him) "I'd stay and fight back! Or maybe just run like a coward...."
(Well, which is it? Those two options are pretty diametrically opposed.)

3. Ruby: "At camp they had Lake Night every night where they'd do funny stuff. And they showed a video called 'Camp Tits'...."
(Say whaaaaaaaaaa?!)
Ruby: (mortified) "Wait a second...I meant 'Camp TIPS'!"
(Good, because for a second there I thought I may have sent her to the wrong camp.)

4. Me: (aghast) "LM, are you using a sharp nail to dig out toe jam?"
LM: (sensing my disapproval) "Mom, I'm not two. I can handle it."
(Okay, Mr. Mature.)

5. Hubby: (asleep) "Sheesh! Just slam yourself down a little harder there, hmmmmmmmmmm?"

6. Hubby: (asleep) "Lindsay, you need to explain that. You said that out loud like a champion. What?"

7. Hubby: (asleep-- putting his hand on my hip) "Ahhhh! It's a rocky spot right here!"
(At least he said "rocky" and not "fluffy".)

8. Hubby: (asleep) "The cops wanna find out what happened first. Then they'll probably write a least."

9. Hubby: (asleep) "Gross...negative."

I so wish I knew what he was dreaming about sometimes....

Monday, August 20, 2012

I'm Serious...No, Really!

I thought perhaps I'd try to write something serious for a change. You know, to show another deeper side of me. 'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want anyone to think I'm a one-trick-pony, or that I don't have the needed maturity to tackle challenging subject matter.

So I'll just share what's been on my mind lately. I'm gonna freestyle a bit here, so bear with me as my profound thoughts flow freely from brain to screen.

Shame. Shame and prejudice. The shame that accompanies prejudice. Ugly, shameful prejudicity...prejudiceness...prejudicism...oh, whatever.

I feel I can speak out on this topic because I have a wart on my elbow. Now hear me out; this is a really ugly wart. (I would post a picture, but when I googled "warts"...{shudder}. Free advice: do not google warts.) Anyway, I've had it for at least 5 years now. My doctor says the wart will go away on its own, and if growing exponentially larger is part of this "going away" process, then she is absolutely right.

I've tried numerous remedies. Kombucha, garlic, tea tree oil, prescription wart remover, OTC wart remover, nitrogen, canola oil, and now, duct tape. This thing is stubborn like nobody's business!

You're asking what any of this has to do with shame and prejudice. I'm not exactly sure.... Hey, I said this was going to be free-style!

Okay, okay, I'll tie this all together. Just give me a sec.... Ah-ha! I feel shamed by the prejudice I experience from this wart. You should see how kids stare at it! I mean, it's sooooo shameful.

Ach. Never mind. I can't do it....

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Holy cow it's been a busy week. But that's neither here nor there....

LM went back-to-school shopping with hubby's mom tonight. And I'm almost 100% sure I will regret allowing him to keep some of his selections, including this one:

Yes, that is a jacket. A ninja jacket. The hood zips all the way down his face to give that charming criminal look. But how do I say no to this face?

I can't.

Anyway, I have some quotes today:

1. Bopper: (on the phone with me) "Auntie, I lost two teeth!"
Me: "I know!"
Bopper: "I'm just soooo cute!"
(Two teeth gone; self-esteem still very present.)

2. LM: "...and then one dinosaur took the guy's legs in his mouth, and the other dinosaur took the other end of him and ripped him in two...."
Me: (interrupting) "Yikes!"
LM: "Actually, it was pretty godly to share their human."
(Yep, no doubt about it, those dinosaurs must have been Christians! Wait....)

3. Mister: "Ruby, you know, I'm just like God."
Ruby: "Why, Mister?"
Mister: "Because I eat bread."
(Well, if that's all there is to it, I have arrived!)

4. LM: "Dad can't even make the velociraptor sound-- like in Jurassic Park. But if we got a resonating chamber for him, he'd love it!"
( has those, right?)

5. Me: (to Bopper) "Carson sure likes you!" (Carson is our ancient Boxer.)
Bopper: "Yeah, I give her good rubbers."
(Yikes...can we please just call it petting instead?)

6. Me: "Will you grab me that book, Monkey Butt?"
LM: (trying to clarify this odd new term) "Are you calling me the monkey and Carson the butt?"
Me: "No. But Carson does smell like a butt...and you smell like a monkey."
LM: "But Mom, monkeys smell like butts, too."
Me: "Oh, I guess you might be right. Sorry about that, Monkey Butt."
LM: "Mooooooooommmm!"
(It must be hard having a mom who is barely more mature than you are....)

7. LM: (after I'd been reading to him for an hour) "Keep reading!"
Me: "I can't anymore, bud. My voice is tired."
LM: "Mom, I don't think in studies they've ever found that voices can be tired."
(His Aspie literalness...gets me every time.)

8. Me: 'LM, please go wash your hands before dinner."
LM: (hucks a loogie into his hands and rubs 'em together).
Me: "Uh, no, go wash them for real."
(I have no words....)

9. Hubby: (asleep) "Hands-offy! Too many times people reach for that stinkin' math! I said hands-OFF! That'll teach 'em."

10. LM: "Dad, I don't like it when you do all that explaining stuff. It annoys me."
(By "explaining" he of course meant "lecturing". And kids all around the world cheered.)

Well, that's it for today, folks!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Honest And Open

I have 10 random confessions I need to get off my chest. You know, in case these dirty little secrets of mine change whether or not we can still be friends. In the interest of full-disclosure, I feel you should have all the facts about me:

1. Bacon. I believe I find it repulsive. In fact, just thinking about it right now makes me wanna yak a little in my mouth.

2. I like naughty children. Not too naughty, mind you. Just naughty enough to make me giggle.

3. I routinely stare at people, and then pretend I was just gazing off into space if they catch me. I specifically like to look at hair, shoes and butts. Diagnose that.

4. Coffee tastes like burnt water. I judge the palate of coffee-drinkers and find it wanting. C'mon, don't deny it-- you had to learn how to like that stuff.

5. While it's probably more accurate to say I'm neurotic, obsessive, and borderline reclusive, I prefer to say I have an "artistic temperament". Join me in that little fantasy, will you?

6. I can't stand it when my hands are sticky. If my hands are sticky and we're having a conversation, I'm not listening to a word you're saying. There is only one thing running through my mind, "Let me gooooooo! I need to get to a sink STAT!"

7. I find poop, fart, burp, and other junior-high humor hilarious. If you don't, I will probably offend you at some point.

8. I think it's hilarious when people fall. Realizing this is not socially acceptable, I've trained myself to laugh in my head instead. It's genetic.

9. I am one half granola/green/hippy, and one half...whatever the opposite of that is. I am not disturbed by the hypocrisy in this.

10. I still run up the basement stairs so the monsters can't catch me.

Soooooo, do you still like me?