Monday, February 10, 2014

Google Translate Can't Do This

As I was listening to the radio today and analyzing the lyrics of each song (it's a little game Ruby Jane and I like to play), I thought about how the words would sound if not set to music. Because let's face it, unless you're singing a catchy tune, simply deadpanning lyrics exposes them for their insipidness. (If you don't believe me, quote a pop song to your honey as if it was casual dialogue-- good times!)

Today, however, Ruby and I took our game one step further, and began to translate the lyrics into "Aspergian." Take, for instance, the current #1 hit: "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry. Allow me to run it through my Aspergian translator-- it helps put it in perspective. (Attempting to think like an Aspie is good for the brain.)

"Dark Horse" via A-Z Lyrics
(feat. Juicy J)

Oh, no.
(Oh, no.)

[Juicy J:]
Ya'll know what it is
Katy Perry
Juicy J, aha.
Let's rage
(Our names are Katy Perry and Juicy J-- we're about to sing you a song.)

[Katy Perry:]
I knew you were
You were gonna come to me
And here you are
But you better choose carefully
‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything
Of anything and everything
(Listen, buddy, I know you're interested in me. But I'm all kinds of crazy. You've been warned.)

Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
Don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy
(Let's be exclusive in a way that puts me on a pedestal. Do not cross me.)

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back
(Oh-- you're still here? Great! Well then, let me reiterate; I am a complete nut-job who will ruin your life. And yes, you will need to stretch your understanding of metaphors in order to reconcile the juxtaposition of magic, dark horses and perfect storms-- I apologize. No I don't.)

Mark my words
This love will make you levitate
Like a bird
Like a bird without a cage
But down to earth
If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away
(Birds do not, by definition, levitate-- but my point is that I am awesome and you should totally date me despite the obvious red flags.)

It’s in the palm of your hand now baby
It’s a yes or no, no maybe
So just be sure before you give it all to me
All to me, give it all to me
(Decide. Now. I am greedy and want to own you.)

[Juicy J - Rap Verse]
She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)
(I can't...I just.... Sick.)
Be careful
Try not to lead her on
Shorty’s heart is on steroids
Cause her love is so strong
(When I say "love" I of course mean "personality disorder.")
You may fall in love
When you meet her
If you get the chance you better keep her
She's sweet as pie but if you break her heart
She'll turn cold as a freezer
(FYI: she's bi-polar-- which would be totally cool if she engaged in treatment, but...she doesn't.)
That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor
She can be my Sleeping Beauty
I’m gon’ put her in a coma
(I might have just referenced Rohypnol. That makes me a sicko. Yeehaw!)
Damn I think I love her
Shawty so bad
I’m sprung and I don’t care
She ride me like a roller coaster
Turned the bedroom into a fair
Her love is like a drug
I was tryna hit it and quit it
But lil' mama so dope
I messed around and got addicted
(We deserve each other-- I'm just as messed up as she is. But we'll be very happy together. {If you believe that happiness may eventually result in criminal charges.})

Gotta love mainstream music! So anyway, if you ever need help translating a song Aspie-style, I'm happy to help! Anytime, friends, anytime....


  1. If these songs were sung with Aspie lyrics I might decide to listen to top 40 tunes again. (Translation: I liked that!)

    1. If you'd like a real Aspie music treat, ask LM to rap freestyle for you next time you see him. (Sample lyrics-- not making these up: "I'm OCD! OCD in the city! I'm OCD. But my mama still loves me!")

  2. Um, I haven't heard this song, but YUCK! I'm so glad we don't listen to mainstream music. Nate and I laugh when we see a band that is all the rage and wonder who they are. But I laughed out loud at your translations...LOVE.

    1. Yep-- music's gone downhill in my estimation. I get to listen to a lot of mainstream stuff with a teen in the house, though! But Jaz and I get a kick out of dissecting it. (It's my little way of keeping her brain intact whilst being exposed to idiocy.)

  3. Think there might be worse words to music out there, but I am not familiar with any of the songs since I cannot understand a single word......I have forgotten that you were going to blog again, so this is the first I have checked in a long time. Love your writings!!!!

    1. Haha! You're not missing anything, Grandma! (And thanks for reading. :) )


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