Monday, February 10, 2014

Google Translate Can't Do This

As I was listening to the radio today and analyzing the lyrics of each song (it's a little game Ruby Jane and I like to play), I thought about how the words would sound if not set to music. Because let's face it, unless you're singing a catchy tune, simply deadpanning lyrics exposes them for their insipidness. (If you don't believe me, quote a pop song to your honey as if it was casual dialogue-- good times!)

Today, however, Ruby and I took our game one step further, and began to translate the lyrics into "Aspergian." Take, for instance, the current #1 hit: "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry. Allow me to run it through my Aspergian translator-- it helps put it in perspective. (Attempting to think like an Aspie is good for the brain.)

"Dark Horse" via A-Z Lyrics
(feat. Juicy J)

Oh, no.
(Oh, no.)

[Juicy J:]
Yeah
Ya'll know what it is
Katy Perry
Juicy J, aha.
Let's rage
(Our names are Katy Perry and Juicy J-- we're about to sing you a song.)

[Katy Perry:]
I knew you were
You were gonna come to me
And here you are
But you better choose carefully
‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything
Of anything and everything
(Listen, buddy, I know you're interested in me. But I'm all kinds of crazy. You've been warned.)

Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
Don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy
(Let's be exclusive in a way that puts me on a pedestal. Do not cross me.)

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back
(Oh-- you're still here? Great! Well then, let me reiterate; I am a complete nut-job who will ruin your life. And yes, you will need to stretch your understanding of metaphors in order to reconcile the juxtaposition of magic, dark horses and perfect storms-- I apologize. No I don't.)

Mark my words
This love will make you levitate
Like a bird
Like a bird without a cage
But down to earth
If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away
(Birds do not, by definition, levitate-- but my point is that I am awesome and you should totally date me despite the obvious red flags.)

It’s in the palm of your hand now baby
It’s a yes or no, no maybe
So just be sure before you give it all to me
All to me, give it all to me
(Decide. Now. I am greedy and want to own you.)

[Juicy J - Rap Verse]
Uh
She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)
(I can't...I just.... Sick.)
Be careful
Try not to lead her on
Shorty’s heart is on steroids
Cause her love is so strong
(When I say "love" I of course mean "personality disorder.")
You may fall in love
When you meet her
If you get the chance you better keep her
She's sweet as pie but if you break her heart
She'll turn cold as a freezer
(FYI: she's bi-polar-- which would be totally cool if she engaged in treatment, but...she doesn't.)
That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor
She can be my Sleeping Beauty
I’m gon’ put her in a coma
Woo!
(I might have just referenced Rohypnol. That makes me a sicko. Yeehaw!)
Damn I think I love her
Shawty so bad
I’m sprung and I don’t care
She ride me like a roller coaster
Turned the bedroom into a fair
Her love is like a drug
I was tryna hit it and quit it
But lil' mama so dope
I messed around and got addicted
(We deserve each other-- I'm just as messed up as she is. But we'll be very happy together. {If you believe that happiness may eventually result in criminal charges.})

Gotta love mainstream music! So anyway, if you ever need help translating a song Aspie-style, I'm happy to help! Anytime, friends, anytime....

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Just Ask Miss Informed

I'm trying something a little different today. I have a lot of friends who admire my wisdomness and awesome mother-like skills. I mean, a lot. So I've decided to share some of my hard-won knowledge by answering a few inquiries. You're welcome.

I've noticed that whenever I come to your house, your son's room is in pristine order. How do you get him to keep it so clean?

The state of LM's room, as we speak.
Ah, yes. I hear this one a lot. It's easy, really. First of all, encourage your child to dump their belongings all over the rest of the house-- the more rooms the better. For instance, they should throw their shoes and jacket in your bedroom, stash toys and electronics in the living room or dining room, pile schoolwork on any spare surface area they can find, and fling their dirty laundry in the bathroom. As long as none of their stuff actually remains in their room, it will never become messy. Regarding making the bed everyday...well, I don't think you can teach OCD, so you're on your own with that one.

I hear your kids aren't eating sugar for an entire year. They must have incredible discipline! What can I do to get my kids to eat less sugar?

One word: dates.

This is going to require some effort and expense. No big deal, though. Simply stop saving for retirement to increase your grocery budget, and set aside a few extra hours a day to search for (and alter) recipes that fall within your no-sugar parameters. When your kids beg you for a treat, you'll be ready to whip up a cake that nobody particularly enjoys, but cost $10 and took 2 hours to make. Time and money well spent, friends.

Our energy bill is through the roof. Any suggestions on how to keep it more manageable?

This would probably help.
Yes. Are you married? Your husband can turn the heat down during the day from 9:00am-4:00pm while you're at home and he's at work. The theory behind this strategy is that he is gone, so why would the house need adequate heating? And don't worry-- your 63 degree environment won't bother him a bit while he's at his temperature-appropriate workplace. Of course, you'll have to compensate by blasting space heaters all over the house in order to function at a human level, but I'm sure a few of them are somewhat energy efficient...maybe. At night, go ahead and have him crank it down to 55 degrees. The added benefit here is that your kids will stay in bed all night long. If they even think about getting up to pee or grab a drink, their feet will literally freeze off. Oh, and a wintry house is a great excuse to buy that new coat or sweater you've been drooling over-- you know, the one from Nordstrom that costs $200? So I'm not sure how much money you'll actually save in the end, your husband can probably answer that better than I can.

Well, I think that's enough for today! Hope I've been helpful! Feel free to comment below if you have any questions you'd like me to take a stab at sometime in the future. :)