Ode To Hair (Part 1)

I really don't know why I do it-- the annual hair show, that is. It's a big pain in the patooshky simply for a free cut and color. It's just really hard to resist free, know what I mean? But what I'd really like to do right now is take a moment to say goodbye to my boob-length hair (which is getting shorn off tomorrow). Do you know how long it takes to grow hair down to your ninnies? Years. Years! Do you know how long it takes to remove said hair? Minutes. Minutes! So here is an ode to my hair, a final adieu to a dear friend.

Oh, my hair. My hair. Long, long hair.

Long, long, longy hair.

I admit you were lookin' a little Lindsay Lohan-ish.

I mean, who grows their hair down to their bosom anymore?

Only celebrities of questionable taste, that's who.

Well, no more!

Chop it off. Chop, chop, choppy floppy!

Maybe then hubby will stop rolling on you at night.

That stinkin' hurts, hubby!

Well, just try rolling on chin-length hair. Just try it, hubby!

You can't! Ha!

But, my hair. My long, long hair.

Why did they go and dye you the color of mud?

And why did they spend hours getting you to just the right muddy hue, only to decide to chop you off to my ears? Why, why, why?

It sucks having to lean back in those torturous rinsing sinks, especially when you have a fractured rib (I swear it is!!) from all the coughing you've done in the last 2 weeks.

Mean, mean fickle hair designers.

What a bunch of meanie-weanies!

So goodbye, my hair.

Thanks for all the good times we've had.

Like when I put you up in a messy bun. Every. Single. Day.

Because I don't actually know how to do hair.

I'm 31-years old, for Pete's sake!

Anything I ever knew about style is long gone with my 20s.

So it's just as well you go, dear hair.

But we have this one last night together.

One last night for you to end up in a sticky spit-wad come morning.

Yes, dear hair, it's time for you to go.

I'm SO going to regret posting this lame poem tomorrow.... Oh well, you all know what a nerd I am already. No sense pretending otherwise.

Quotes Again, So Soon?

By the way, I'm not dying anymore. I just feel like crap-- which is an upgrade from dying, I'd say. But that's beside the point.... Here are the quotes:

1. LM: (awaiting my next instructions as we made dessert together) "What now, genius?"

2. Ruby Jane: (after I'd gotten done explaining about Asperger's Syndrome) "Ass Burgers? Mmmmm...sounds delicious! Can I have the recipe?"

(Super-- one kid has "ass burgers" and the other one's a regular smart-ass. I'm laughing all the way to the loony bin.)

3. (At the end of the animated movie we watched, the main character delivered the moral of the story to the homely villain): "You don't need a magic mirror to be beautiful."

LM contemplated this, then asked: "She just needs a makeover?"

4. Me: Do you have any homework, LM?"

LM: "No."

Classmate: "Yes he does! He has math!"

LM: "Don't believe her-- she lies a lot."

5. Ruby Jane: "You know that guy who tattooed his whole body black?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Ruby: "Did that include his tenders?"

Me: "Uhhhh...."

(I'm still wondering when, according to my daughter, "tenders" ceased to have the word "chicken" in front of it.)

6. LM: (as I gathered him up in a spontaneous bear hug) "Ugh, Mom! Let me go! I need some space-- you're takin' up my area."

(And so it begins....)

On The Brightside

Days of constant coughing + eating like a baby bird = the best looking abs I've had in a while! Who knew coughing could be such great exercise....

Oh, What A Lovely Day!

It struck me funny today, although maybe this humor is a little more on the dark side than usual, that the worldwide web is the perfect cover-up for hiding one's true self. I was thinking this because I've been doing a lot of emailing today (a gal has a lot of time for such things when she's been lying on her deathbed all morning, noon and night) and no one would suspect from my communications that I'm Swine Fluin' it over here. (Well, okay, I don't know if it's Swine Flu, all I know is that I want to die.)

And yet, if I end enough sentences with "!" and ":)" and "ha!" I can come across as being perfectly happy and healthy, while in reality I can hardly keep my eyes open right now-- ha! :) (See, I just did it again! Did I fool ya? Or are you picturing me coughing my lungs out at this second? 'Cause I surely am.)

You're not sure if you should laugh, eh? Yeah, I know it's a bit sick (pun intended) but you'll have to excuse me as I'm nearly delirious with fever at the moment-- ha! :) But seriously, would someone please come and put me out of my misery over here? Ha! :) Any method will suffice-- hee hee hee! :) Please? Hahahaaahaaa!

Wow-- time for bed, I'd say....

Oh, Mom, Nobody Saw!

It was when my two sisters simultaneously reached up to grab the mannequin's perky boobs and my mom shook her head in bewildered embarrassment that I realized, "shoot, it's too late for me to give them a feel now because Mom is clearly not approving the gesture-- missed my chance!" Believe me, if you'd seen this mannequin's bosom you'd have hardly been able to contain yourself, either. It was quite intriguing....

Long Time No Quotes

It's been a while since I've posted quotes and believe me, it's not for a lack of good material. I just haven't been writing them down with the same regularity as I used to-- but I'm hoping to get back on top of things again. In any case, here are the latest:

1. LM: "Are you so excited for Christmas? I can't wait for the presents!"

Ruby Jane: (superiorly) "LM, Christmas isn't about the presents."

LM: "What is it about?" (Then with some disappointment) "Oh, yeah...Jesus."

2. Me: "What would you do if Mama was ever late picking you up from school?"

LM: "Go home with someone else."

Me: "What?!? No!!"

LM: "Oh...stay with my teacher."

(That's one I'm going to need to address again, I can tell.)

3. Anonymous Dad: (exasperated while watching his son...get creative...on the playground) "Why would you stick a rock up your butt?"

4. Ruby Jane: "Hey Popi, can I inherit your phone?"

Popi: "But I'd have to die first!"

Ruby: "Okay!"

5. (After being treated to pizza by our exchange student we thanked her for a good time had by all.)

Brasileira: "I'm going to bring peace to the world."

Me: "One pizza at a time?"

Brasileira: "...and with my dad's credit card."

(I could bring a lot of peace to a lot of people with my dad's credit card, too. Okay...mainly just to myself, but that's worth something, right? Let's try it, Dad!)

6. LM: "Mom, will you help me clean my room? 'Cause this is too much mess for one little boy to clean up, right?"

(Definitely.)

Discretion? Ha!

Uh.... Remember in my last post how I admitted to having a lack of discretion? Well, I'm just warning you that I'm going to exhibit that little trait right about...now.

Below is a picture of one of our garden carrots. We like to call him Carrot Boy. (I think you'll agree-- if you look close enough-- that it's clear this carrot is not of the female persuasion.) Yes, his legs are a little long and his arms are a little short (and he has no head), but we like to think of him as a work of abstract art rather than a literal interpretation.

I don't believe we'll be able to bring ourselves to eat Carrot Boy-- it would just feel a tad too cannibalistic, know what I mean?

Maybe we'll find him a nice carrot wife with whom he can have lots of sweet baby carrots. (He's certainly equipped for this task, after all.) Yes, a kind girlie carrot who'll look past his physical deformities in order to find true carrot love.

Or.... We may just feed him to the dog after he ceases to amuse us. (Although I don't see that happening any time soon. Our sense of humor hasn't matured much past middle school....)