Still Still Here!

Wow-- has it really been almost a month since I last posted? Where has the summer gone?! Have I lost everyone?

Well, I have a few quotes for any of you who've hung in there through the dry spell. This will probably be one of the last posts that include hubby's sleep-talking quotes since my computer has been banned from bed (something about it being annoying or something like that).

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Settle down, you wild punk! Settle down or you'll end up on your butt!"

2. LM: "Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to get a Camaro."

Me: "Did you know that my Uncle J used to have a red Camaro?"

LM: "Really?! Does he still have it?"

Me: "Ummmm...I don't know."

LM: "Well, if he does, I'm totally going to buy it from him for like, $400! Then I'll have my own sweet Camaro!"

(So, what do you say, Uncle J? Do we have a deal?)

3. LM: "Mom, did you know you have a big butt?"

Me: "Errr...yes, I did know that."

LM: "It's probably because of your muffin top, right?"

(Wow, a two-fer diss. Gotta love that!)

4. Hubby: (asleep) "What's going on there, big guy? And I don't mean He-Man."

5. LM: "I have one question; how do you feel about having a muscle on your core?"

Me: "Ummmmmm...huh?"

(How does he do that-- ask unanswerable questions with such ease?)

6. Hubby: (asleep, and in a Southern accent) "He got 'er good, Bobby! Yes he did! Damn St. Petersburg...." (mumble, mumble, mumble).

(Cussing doesn't count if it's done in one's sleep, right?)

7. LM: (talking about a kid who isn't very kind to him) "Mom, next time I see him, I'm gonna...." (Proceeds to describe some intricate form of torture I can't recall.)

Me: "But do you remember we're supposed to love our enemies?"

LM: "He's not my enemy...I just hate him."

(Ah, yes, well then go ahead and beat the snot out of him, kiddo. My mistake.)

8. Hubby: (asleep) "Sam, give'm a five. Nice. Very strange, very strange."

9. LM: (praying) "Dear Jesus, thank you for the lesson in Transformers. It's not as good as your word, but it's pretty good. I wish it was your word. Amen."

10. LM: (as his cousin is elbowing him at the dinner table) "Mister is nudging me! Tell him to stop!"

Mister: (turning to Nini, pointing to his elbow) "Is this my nudge?"

That's all I got, folks! I'm hoping that as school resumes I'll get back to a more normal posting schedule. 'Cause, dang, lots of funny things happen when school starts. G'night!

Still Here!

I tell ya, it's not easy keeping up a blog during the summer. I've probably mentioned that before.... Ach, I'm just makin' excuses for not posting-- it's a bad habit. (Excuses, that is.)

A lot's been going on, though. LM started Kendo class. Basically, it's a class to teach him how to wield a sword, Samurai style. For those of you who think that's an insane idea on our part, I may have to agree with you on that one. But, hey, if the kid's gonna wield a sword regardless, might as well teach him how to do it properly....

Anyway, the quotes are starting to stack up, so here goes nothin':

1. LM: (after being chided by hubby for not finishing his chore) "Oh well, at least I picked up half my mess!"

Hubby: "Oh, okay, maybe I'll only give you half of your breakfast tomorrow then!"

LM: "Sounds like a fair deal to me!"

(LM walked away from that exchange quite pleased, while hubby realized he'd been foiled again.... Note to self: if you don't intend for LM to take an offer literally, don't make it.)

2. The Bopper: (wanting to see her brother's new Toy Story character) "Hey Mister, can I check out your Woody?"

(Am I the only one who immediately thinks of...oh, never mind.)

3. LM: (amidst an argument he and hubby were having) "Dad, am I hearing a little bit of rudies coming from me and you? 'Cause I don't do rudies anymore."

(Rudies? What are we, in Kindergarten? Besides, he totally still does rudies!)

4. LM: "Mom, will you help me get my DS stylus from underneath Ruby's bed?"

Me: (having just gotten gussied up for a wedding) "No, bud, I just did my hair and make-up and I don't want to ruin it."

LM: (trying to find a loophole) "But Mom, I don't think your hair looks all that good."

(Nice try, buddy, I'm still not crawling under the bed!)

5. LM: "Hey Mom, I painted Starscream white, and now I call him Ice Scream."

(Ohhhhh, now there's a name to instill fear into the hearts of his enemies! Watch out, everyone, Ice Cream is coming to get you-- ahhhhhh, help! Not that cool, creamy sweetness!)

6. LM: (admiring his daddy's physique) "Dad! You have a six pack! Now, all you need to do is lose this." (Pokes hubby's paunch.)

The rest are hubby's sleep (or nearly sleep) talking quotes. He's usually good for a few laughs-- but you can be the judge of that.

1. Hubby: (asleep, but after I had coughed loudly) "Shhhhhhhhhh ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch-- quiet!"

2. Hubby: (asleep) "Hey, can I have one?" (Pokes me a few times.) "Can I have one?"

3. Hubby: (his sleep being disturbed after I reached over him to grab something) "Nooooo! You and your pesky friends!"

4. Hubby: (asleep-- rolls over and slings an arm around me) "Ahhhhh, you're amazing! Amazing! Amaaaaaaazing."

5. Hubby: (asleep-- and in a Southern accent) "Said one bun to the other bun, 'I won't make it!'"

In fact, while I've been typing this post (with my mad secretarial typing skills-- not) I upset hubby's sleep a bit. Unfortunately, he didn't say anything worth repeating-- it was much too coherent for public interest. But I suppose he's right about one thing: I should put this dang computer away and get some sleep. G'night, everyone!

Help, Sis!

You know you need a pedicure when...you're walking barefoot on carpet and your feet act as Velcro. In desperate need of a foot file here!

Lights, Camera...Action!

Such interesting, interesting things you discover when you find the homemade videos your daughter and her friend absent-mindedly left on your computer after they'd secretly whisked it away for their enjoyment. Interesting indeed.

Nothing horrendous, mind you, just...interesting. Definitely have a pre-teen on my hands!

Nighttime Nattering

I've gotten several comments on hubby's silly sleep-talking, and was asked why I haven't posted his unconscious musings until now. The answer is simple: many times his ramblings are in the middle of the night! I'm usually not awake enough to write them down and by morning I've forgotten exactly what he said. So why the sudden surge of sleepy chatter in my posts? Well, the answer to this is also simple: I've been taking my computer to bed with me. I know, I know-- how romantic. (Actually, I'm in bed right now posting this with hubby dead asleep beside me-- I'll let you know if he says anything interesting!) It's just that the last few weeks have been busy, and sometimes the only way I can get anything done is at night. Not that you asked....

So, here is a special "The Darnedest Things" segment of hubby's midnight musings (and if you'd like to continue to see them posted, I suggest you not mention it to hubster-- he might ban my computer from the bedroom!):

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Do you trust in good ol' Heidi? She's a good egg-- cut out of hard to find dye, I tell ya!"

2. Hubby: (asleep-- and throwing his hand up in the air with a "rock on" gesture) "Wooooohhooooo! Yeah!! I'm finding ways to pronounce Niger...Ni...Nigeria."

3. Hubby: (asleep) "I have only two covers on me right now. There's, like, a million out there with you. I'm sure it's all a plot."

4. Hubby: (asleep) "Yeah, there were...there were none. But I wasn't paying close attention."

5. Hubby: (asleep) "I didn't fall asleep while we were talking, did I? I don't remember falling asleep. I don't remember!"

And now for the quotes spoken while fully conscious-- starring the kiddos this time:

1. Ruby Jane: "Can we get a cat?"

Me: "No. We already have a dog and a frog-- and we're only allowed to get pets that rhyme."

Ruby: "You mean we can get a hog?!"

(Shoot-- I didn't think of that one. Guess my brilliant plan backfired....)

2. LM: (immediately after our friend walked into our house) "How old are you?"

Hubby: "How about saying, 'Hi, Mr. M!'?"

LM: "Hi, Mr. M, how old are you?"

Hubby: (shakes his head, eyes rolling upward)

Mr. M: "It's okay-- I appreciate his forthrightness. I'm 39, buddy."

LM: (disgusted) "And you haven't even married anybody yet?!"

(Still appreciating that forthrightness, Mr. M?)

3. Me: (after Ruby Jane had told a particularly dumb joke and we both laughed) "Oh, I love my little nerd girl!"

Ruby Jane: "I'm not a nerd-- if I was, I'd tell really scientific jokes like this: what did the astronaut say to his dog? Stop licking Uranus!"

(Hmmmm, case in point, Ruby Jane: nerd! And nothin's better in my book.)

4. Me: "I'm getting my hair cut, bud-- what do you think about that?" (I pantomime the length at my chin.)

LM: "Great! You'll look like Willy Wonka from the Chocolate Factory!"

(Hmmmmm, as much as I like Johnny Depp....)

Well, hubby has stayed disappointingly silent tonight. But, fear not, he's bound to start chattering another time! And when he does.... :)

Reflections....

Most of you know by now that hubby's dad passed away last week after having suffered a massive heart attack. Although he was an older gentleman, it was still quite a shock. We always thought of him as a tough old bird (think Clint Eastwood) even when rheumatoid arthritis began to ravage his joints and he got a dose of the gimpies. But heart problems? Not even on the radar.

Seeing my husband lose a parent; hard. But death has a way of making you reassess life. What's important, what's not, what's right, what's wrong.... And I've decided to make a deliberate recalibration of my values, because while looking at life through death's eyes, I saw some characteristics in me that needed changing. I've been getting too caught up in desires that don't matter; the size of my house and the furnishings in it, gadgets and newfangled devices I'd like to own, losing weight and fantasizing about various plastic surgeries that could propel me toward that end, moving up in the world, insecurities, anxiety, pride, envy, I could go on but I've embarrassed myself enough.... But all of a sudden, that stuff seems so petty. So worldly. So...far from who I want to be.

If I were to die tomorrow, would a tummy tuck be considered amongst my greatest achievements? Will getting in the last zinger of an argument win me favor with my Maker? What if I never look as cute as you do in jeans and despise you for it-- will that enhance our friendship? Will I get to Heaven and think, "geez, my only regret is not having a house as big as The Jones's"? Somehow, I think not....

So, if anyone's interested, here's what I came up with to combat, well...me. It's the renewed order of my values:

A. God.

B. People.

Pretty simple, really, but I need simple because I'm just not wired to handle complicated for more than a few seconds.

A no fail plan? Ha! Please! Any plan where I am the primary player is bound to stutter and sputter along, like a student driver working a manual transmission for the first time. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

But I've been reminded that death can arrive at any time for any of us (not trying to be morbid here, just tellin' the truth), and when it comes for me, I don't want to be caught feverishly pursuing desires that are contrary to A and B. It's not about the things themselves, mind you, it's about my motivation. My priorities. My heart.

'Cause hey, if a surgeon ever offers me complimentary liposuction, a university begs hubby to come on staff so they can pay him a hundred grand a year, we can afford a nicer home in a great neighborhood with stellar schools, etc, I will accept that as God's generous blessing! Thank you, Jesus! And if I never reach the level of attractiveness our society deems worthy (and it seems less and less likely with every year I get older), hubby gets fired, and our home is flooded without our having the appropriate insurance coverage, I will accept that as well (albeit less graciously, I s'pose).

In the meantime, however, as life goes along the way it does; the good and the bad all mixed in together, it is my intention to pursue loving God and people first and foremost. Everything else is just...everything else. Because at the end of my life, only one thing will matter, and that is hearing these words: "Well done, good and faithful servant." (With or without a tummy tuck.)

A Course In Coarse

Tonight Ruby Jane asked the burning question: what does the term "junk in your trunk" mean? I explained it's when a woman has an ample backside (although, upon reflection, who's to say the term can't apply to a man? I mean, they have spare tires and all...). Anyway, she said, "oh, I thought it meant you had to go poop." I couldn't help it-- I totally cracked up. I offered, "well, maybe that's when you have a chunk in your trunk?" And the kids and I burst out laughing once again. (What can I say? Our collective sense of humor has yet to mature beyond that of a 6-year old boy.) Of course, after that our conversation began to seriously degenerate.

But it wasn't until, after coming up with numerous giggle-inducing rhymes, LM thought up this little gem: "Or what about having 'gas in your....'" I waited, holding my breath, caught between a ginormous guffaw and a mortified gasp. He doesn't know the word that would fit at the end of that thought, does he? Does he?! But he finished the sentence with an innocent, "back". Phew! That was a close call. Needless to say, I then redirected our conversation to...safer territory. ("Hey kids, how about those Portland Timbers, huh? And such crazy weather we're having! Oh look-- it's time for bed!")

I know, I know, I'm not going to win any Mom-of-the-Year awards at this rate. Guess there's a "tumor in my humor", too much "mock in my talk", or perhaps a bad "flavor in my behavior"? Okay, I'm done! Until later, alligator....