Death By Fire Escape

LM's been a touch obsessed with devising a fire escape plan at our house. Normally I would be thrilled at his initiative, but after hearing his ideas...I'm hoping that we don't experience arson in the near future. I'm pretty sure LM wouldn't die in a house fire-- he'd die trying to escape it.

Here are a few of his ideas:

•  “Dad can get some boards and we’ll nail the boards right by my screen outside my window. Then I can kick in my screen and step on the boards."
•  "If that doesn’t work, I’ll run out onto the deck and jump at the last second."
•  "Then I’ll meet at our meeting spot and we can climb the fence into our neighbor’s yard.”

Yikes. Apparently we've advanced way beyond "Stop, Drop and Roll."

1. LM: (after hubby pinched his booty) "Dad, don't touch my butt-- you don't know where it's been."
(On the contrary-- we know exactly where it's been. It's irresistible regardless.)

2. LM: "Mom, if we don't have money to pay for food, we're going to have to become couponers."
Me: "Nooooooooooo!"
LM: "Well, would you rather starve, or coupon?"
(I actually need to think about that one.)

3. LM: "Get outta my way, bloody dog! ...Mom, is bloody a cuss word?"
Me: "Well, it sort of is-- if you're British."
LM: "Phew! I'm not British."
(Ah, by all means, then, use it with impunity!)

4. LM: "Mom, I'm going to keep my room isolated while I'm gone, which is to say, I'm going to keep it cold."
Me: (???)
(Ohhhh! I get it! ICE-olated.)

5. LM: (watching a bunch of kids dance to French music) "Ugh. I could easily paralyze one of those French mon amis."
(So, I take it he's not impressed....)

6. Me: (watching a little boy sing on TV) "Do you like him, LM?"
LM: "Well...does he have Asperger's?"
Me: "No...I don't think so."
LM: "Oh. He's just okay."
(Ah-ha, I see the measure by which you judge-- and I think I like it!)

7. LM: "Mom, Ruby hit me! I was only mocking her, and Jesus says not to fight back!"
(Uhhhh. I think we're forgetting a few other things Jesus may have said as well.)

And now for a few sleep-talking quotes from hubby:

8. Hubby: (asleep) "Ummm...yeah. Rinse it clean in the bathtub. The buckets too. Mmmmmm-hmmmmmm."
(This is just a snippet from a lengthy monologue he was engaged in-- I couldn't get it all written down in time.)

9. Hubby: (asleep) "Yeah, I have to know how they're doing-- 'cause that's a lot of air, baby!"

10. Hubby: (asleep) "You are so young and beautiful...so young and beautiful."
(All I know is he'd better been dreaming about me!)

That's all I got for now!