Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hey, It's Not January Yet

The fact that I've managed to polish off about half a bag of dried mangos in the last 2 days may not bode well for my soon-to-be New Year's diet. Hey, they're addictive-- and I gotta get rid of 'em before January 1st! Can't have stuff like that lying around the house, after all.... So excuse me please, there's about half a bag left and only 1 day to go-- I gotta bit of work to do here.

Mmmmmmmmmmm!

Wiki-Leak

Unless you are a member of my family who is also living in my city, you're probably not aware of another, top secret, blog I have. Actually, it's not really my blog seeing as any of my local family members can post on it (and do!). I would share the address with you, but then I'd have to kill you-- and I really want to avoid that. I'm just too tender for jail. So, why am I even telling you about this other exclusive blog? No, not because I'm exceedingly rude (right? right?), but because it will explain the following post I am about to share. (It will also give you a lotta insight into where I get my particularly sense of humor.) See, my dad wrote it, and with his permission I am reposting an excerpt here. (And by the way, I highly recommend that you all start your own exclusive family blog-- it is just way too much fun!)

Just last night I realized that wearing my shirts untucked might not be hiding my increasing girth as well as I had thought. Ruby and LM spent the night and while in the tight quarters of the laundry room with LM, trying to fetch something for him from the closet there, I turned and brushed him with my stomach... just a little brush, that's all.

LM: "Whoa Popi! Your stomach is... (searching for the right words) a little overflowing there!" (Hilarious background laughter from Nini who is joyfully taking all this in...)

The look on my face must have indicated to LM that he was skating on thin ice because he immediately began fishing for a better set of words to communicate his surprise. "I mean, you need to lose a little weight!" (Nini is no less entertained by this new phraseology.)

Seeing that he's getting nowhere, LM decides to somewhat gently cut to the chase, "Popi, I mean you're a little fat."

OK, that does it. I think that is the first time in my 58 years that I've been called fat, even if "a little" fat.

Monday, December 20, 2010

B.M. Or T.M.I?

For some reason my little family has decided they no longer see the value in regular toilet flushing. More often than not these days, I can't visit the facilities without finding a hidden surprise when I get there. But I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they've simply begun a new green movement in our home (that they just forgot to tell me about). Except that's a little misleading, seeing as most of the movements I'm finding are of a distinctly different color.... Yeah, as much as I love Mother Earth, I think I'm gonna have to reinstate flushing.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Holiday Quotes

Truly, I find it amazing that I have time to throw up any posts at the moment. (Yikes, that didn't come out the way I wanted it to.) But the fact is: the reason I have time is because I'm avoiding the other more important things that I really should be doing instead. Can I get an "amen, sister"?

1. LM: (not wanting me to sit next to him) "Ugh, Mom! I need my personal space!"
(I've discovered my son is rather like a cat-- he's only affectionate when he feels like it, otherwise he has no need for you.)

2. LM: (after having laid a big smooch on my lips, he smiles) "Does that make you want to buy me a new Buzz Lightyear toy?"
(See what I mean? A cat.)

3. LM: (said very formally as I picked him up from school) "Well, hello my good friend!"

4. LM: (playing with his new "pooping Santa" toy-- which I did not buy for him) "Ho-ho-ho! Merrrrrrrrry Christmas! Who wants some poop?"

5. LM: (after I'd informed him that homework comes before TV) "Mom, have you lost your mind? I already worked really hard today!"

6. Ruby Jane: (while setting up our Christmas tree hubby asked her to put the tree skirt on) "Oh, so it's a girl!"

7. Ruby Jane: (to hubby after he dropped a glass ball, shattering it) "Daddy broke an ornament-- what kind of maturity is that?"
(I had just gotten done lecturing the kids on being careful with the ornaments, so they took particular delight in the fact that their father was having the hardest time.)

8. The Bopper: "Carson's still a dog. But what will she be when she grows up?"
(Hmmmm, an older, stinkier, fatter, naughtier dog I suppose.)

9. Ruby Jane: (after I had said something she thought was particularly corny) "Don't worry Mom, someday I'll find a good mental institution for you to live in."
(Not if I commit you first, sweetie!)

10. LM: (singing an impromptu song in my honor) "I love Mom! She's a fine old woman!"
(Ummmm...thank you?)

11. LM: (as our dog was barking her head off at something outside, LM was inspired to get all "Lassie" on us) "What is it, girl?"

Well, I'm now off for a little "chaser" workout after this morning's jog. I'm not a fanatical exerciser or anything, but if you'd seen how much divinity I ate yesterday (curse you, holiday treats! Curse you!) you'd understand why this is so necessary. I'd like to keep my overall holiday weight-gain under 10 pounds, after all.... And if I don't post again before, I'd like to wish you all a wonderful Christmas! (Ahhhh, who am I kidding? I'll post before then.)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Thousand Words....

He only thought he was going to be able to come home and relax. But 4 children and a dog had other plans. Plans not to prosper him, but to harm him.... Don't kid yourself, though, he's lovin' every second. (Deep, deep, deep, way deep down inside, anyway.) Uh, you're gonna wanna zoom in on this one.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bad Pizza

It was very early this morning that I was having a rather...awkward dream. In it, a friend had just started dating a girl and wanted to prove this fact to us by making out with said girl right in front of our faces. Okaaaay. Well, the sound of their sloppy kissing was nauseating-- literally. "Stop kissing!" I cried, and began to gag in my dream. I then started dry heaving but mercifully popped awake, stomach in knots. And after I awoke I noticed the distinct sound of our dog licking herself silly. Big, wet, juicy licks all up and down her haunches. So that's where the lovely sound-effects for my dream came from! Of all the things my mind could have come up with instead of messy kissing.... But of course that's exactly how it chose to assimilate those sounds. (What is wrong with me??)

Somehow I don't think I'll be able to look at this friend the same way ever again. (Or at least for a very long while.) And the next time he announces his dating status, I think I'd better be ready with a Tums just in case.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Okay, I Admit It-- I Over Ate!

A few weeks ago I was hired as a very part-time employee at the church I attend (I don't even want to hear the word nepotism, gosh darnitall!). Anyway, I act as support for a team who develops partnerships with various local and international organizations who advocate for the needs of the poor and disadvantaged. I have to tell you; I love it.

And I have co-workers now! I haven't had those in...ages. So the other day when I stepped foot in the office for a little meeting (woohoo! Meetings! I have meetings now!) with my boss (woohoo! I have a boss! I have two bosses! Probably even more!) I took the time to chat up some of the aforementioned co-workers. They're all so nice, see.

Mr. C: "Hi! You sure look like you enjoyed Thanksgiving!"
Me: (looking down at myself) "Does it show on my hips or something?"
Mr. A: "Are you calling her fat?"
Mr. C: "No! I'm talking about the pictures on your blog!"

Ah, yes, that makes sense. Indeed the pictures depicted a raucous good time. But then Mr. A (whose parents both happen to be privy to this here blog-- hint, hint) took up the baton where Mr. C had left off.

Mr. A: "So, Nona, is that a perm or did you just have a long morning?"
Mr. C: (emitting a knowing guffaw).
Me: "Is it that bad? Sheesh, you guys-- I'm gonna get a complex!"
Mr. A: "No! I meant that it takes a really long time for girls to curl their hair in the morning!"

Ah, yes, that makes sense too. Indeed it would have taken a long time if I'd curled every strand by hand. Alright, so I haven't just been called fat and ugly. This is a good thing.

So I bid my co-workers good day and controlled my sudden urge to find a mirror for a swift inspection. I think I have now been officially indoctrinated in the art of office chitchat-- either that or I fell prey to some sort of newbie hazing ritual. But one thing's for sure, I'm wearing a burka next time I come in.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Whopper Thursday

The quotes have been adding up lately-- and we'll get to them! But first, I have to share a delightful story about a man who thought his wife was being silly, but realized quickly (after eating a bit of humble pie) that his wife was actually prudent and wise.

Our street hasn't been plowed at all yet. And this morning I watched car after car get stuck at one end of the road or the other (a tow-truck was even called in at one point!). And after attempting to get Ruby to school and nearly getting stuck myself, I decided I wasn't trying that again. Period. Not worth it! Hubby thought I was being ridiculous, though. So he walked home from work and decided to give me a "lesson" about how to drive in heavy, slushy snow. I suggested we take a shovel with us just in case, but hubby assured me this was completely unnecessary. You guys are probably already ahead of me, aren't you? Long story short: we got so stuck it took three men and a truck with a plow attached to get us out.

1. LM: "What's for dinner?"
Me: "How about fish?"
Ruby: "Uggghhhh."
LM: "Ruby, it's our only hope."

2. LM: (trying to get hubby to play in the snow) "C'mon, Dad. Go outside and play with your son!"

3. LM: (coming in from playing out in the snow) "You won't believe what I've been through tonight! Sliding down the slide and crashing.... But the worst part was eating dirty snow!"
(Sounds like at least one of those unfortunate events was preventable.)

4. LM: (offering our pre-dinner prayer) "Thank you God for this food. And thank you for inventing sharks-- they are so cool!"

5. M-i-L: "Would you guys like to watch 'Itsy-Bitsy Bangy'?"
(M-i-L, much to our delight, often gets the titles of movies messed up. And this version of "Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang" was particularly memorable.)

6. LM: (as I was hugging him) "Uh, Mom, I think your boobs are crushing me."
(Well, son, I think "crushing" is a bit too strong a verb for a chest like mine....)

7. LM: (after I'd said no to his request) "But Mom, don't you want to do something nice for your kid?"
(Nope.)

8. Hubby: (to our stubborn boy) "LM, if you don't try a pancake, guess what you can't have?"
LM: (dismayed) "Turkey bacon?"
Hubby: "Yep."
LM: (staring in determination at his pancake) "Must. Eat. Pancake. No. Matter. What!"

9. Hubby: (talking about his sledding experience with the kids) "I hope people are careful sledding-- there are some pretty substantial rocks on that hill."
LM: "Yeah, I almost DIED out there!"
(He's not dramatic or anything.)

10. LM: (trying to convince hubby to watch Toy Story with him) "C'mon Dad, there are some good lessons in here!"
(That's right, kiddo, appeal to your father's educational side.)

11. Ruby: "I was not created out of dust-- I was created out of randomness and sarcasm."
(Uh.... I got news for ya about how exactly you were created-- and dust, randomness or sarcasm had nothing to do with it.)

12. LM: "Mom, do you make a dog with nitrogen and fartrogen?"
Me: "Fartrogen?"
LM: (giggling) "Yeah! And fur and meat and bones!"
(Hmmmm.... I think it's very possible that our dog is made from fartrogen, yes.)

13. Ruby: (commenting on how slow she is to lose teeth) "Does that mean my teeth are strong?"
Me: "Could be-- I might have heard that before."
Ruby: (smiling slyly) "Ah yes, well, parts of my body do tend to be very strong."
(Yeah, like your head!)

14. LM: (as we were talking about his milk intolerance) "But I can still have the milk outta your boobs, right?"
Me: "Um, I don't have milk in there anymore."
LM: "Oh.... That's really funny that you used to!"
(Just wait until you're 18 and think about it then.)

15. LM: (singing) "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas at the bottom of my heart!"
(You have to go all the way down there, eh?)

Whew-- that was a long one! Hope it provided a giggle or two!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Too Toothless

What started out as me trying to take a simple picture of LM's new (even toothlesser) smile, turned into an inadvertent photo shoot of a boy and his dog. Yes, he lets her lick his face. He loves it, actually. But the point is: check out that grin! How is he even gonna eat?



Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sista, Sista

I want you all to know that I'm putting my life in danger by posting the following pictures. Fortunately, my sisters have a good sense of humor (right, guys?).

Anyway, this is what happens when Mom innocently suggests we occupy ourselves with karaoke after having stuffed our faces with Thanksgiving dinner. Hey, you gotta work off all those calories somehow, right?

I am mercifully withholding the best photos in this series, mostly due to the fact that clothes kept being shed as the dancer grew hotter and sweatier.

But not only was there exuberant dancing happening. There was also some American Idol-worthy singing going on too.


And when you combine the dancer with the singer.... Well, you've got yourselves some fine entertainment indeed.


I feel like I'm watching America's Got Talent-- except...not.


Oh. My. And if I told you this was an alcohol-free event would you believe me? Okay, okay, I admit it-- four bottles of Martinelli's were consumed prior to this spectacle.

Sheesh, what do they put in that stuff, anyway? Oh, wait-- here comes the grand finale!

I'm not sure who's having more fun here. Mister is looking like he can't quite decide whether his auntie's intentions are honorable or not. But rest assured, no children were harmed in the making of this post feast fun.

Not everyone was thrilled with the evening's events, however.... Yeah, I couldn't agree with Carson more-- it was exhausting just watching them.


Yikes. I am so glad I was behind the camera for all this. And to my funny, quirky, awesome sisters, I am so thankful you're mine-- love you guys! :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Silly Hubby, Fans Are For Summer

Hubby thinks that running our ceiling fan full blast "helps circulate the warm air" in our house. I've got news for him, though. Over by the fan the thermometer reads 64 degrees. It's supposed to be 68 degrees in here according to the thermostat. But to be honest, both those numbers make my whole body shudder with shivers. So I turned down the fan and cranked up the heat.

Ahhhh, 70 degrees with no indoor "wind chill factor"-- now that's more like it! And if it's too warm for the hubster he can feel free to shed some of those unnecessary clothes of his. (Hmmmm, what a splendid idea! Excuse me while I go turn the heat up just a bit more....)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Thanks, Popi....

Far be it from me to question the wisdom of my father-- but the little gift he brought back for my 7-year old Aspie from his recent travels to Ethiopia.... Well, let's just say on a scale of 1-10 of how nervous it makes me, I'm at about a 97.

LM, on the other hand, has a brand new reason to adore his utterly cool grandpa. Nothing says bonding like a humongous African blade, don'tcha know.

If you'll excuse me, however, I have a very sharp weapon I'd like to go hide deep within the bowels of my basement where it will stay for, oh...the next forty years or so. Yeah, it was about the time that LM suggested we have a "knife fight" that something in me decided perhaps this wondrous new gift should be confiscated for the time being.

But LM wants to extend his heartfelt thanks before the blade is safely tucked away:

Dear Popi, I love you, love you, love you like crazy! I LOVE how you gave me that real, actual knife! And that money. And also that African doll. Goodbye!

Ah, yes-- truly we thank thee, dearest Popi. Truly indeed.

Friday, November 19, 2010

One Ring To Rule Them All!

I turned 33 today. I've been waiting for this one. Really! It's the "Jesus age"-- you know, when he did that little thing called die for the sins of the world. It's also the "Frodo age"-- you know, when he began that little adventure called Lord of the Rings. Hmmm, perhaps that explains why I look like a hobbit now....


Ahhhh, three, the perfect number-- and I now have two of 'em in a row! Can you see why I'm so stinkin' excited?? Dang, this is gonna be a good year. Now if I can only get control of this hair....

1. LM: "Anna still eats at McDonald's even though I told her it makes her fat. I don't get it!"
(Wow. I simply cannot imagine why she isn't listening to you. You did emphasize the word fat, right? Yikes....)

2. LM: (fessing up to his sister that he was joking with her) "I'm just pulling your leg off!"

3. LM: "Mom, Anna's just a sour-puss-- 'cause she's sour and she's pussy."
(Ohhhhhh myyyyy goooooodnesssss.)

4. LM: (quoting a "Bible verse") "Just be kind to others and me. Give others a chance and do their bidding. PCP 3:0."
(This is what happens when people who cannot read try to instruct.)

5. The Bopper: (feeling her Adam's apple) "Hey, is that Jesus in there?"
(For sure, sweetie! Every now and then he gets bored in your heart, so he travels up your esophagus for a fun little vacation.)

6. LM: (upon seeing my new 'do) "It's a little hideous, but I kind of like it."
(Still working on that mind-to-mouth filter thing....)

7. LM: (later on that evening, singing an impromptu birthday tune for me) "Her name is Nona! And even though her hair is curly now, she's...still beautiful...."
(Just so you know, it was clear as he was singing that "beautiful" was not the first word that came to his mind-- but it was wisely added at the last second. He's learning!)

Well, I'm off to bed! And tomorrow, Sam, Merry, Pippin and I are going to head off toward Mordor-- I've got this ring, see....

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Oh, The Irony!

We had a conference with LM's homeroom and resource room teachers today. One of the ladies had a cut on the very tip of her nose which was extremely red-- and I was sitting right next to her. Inches away. Every time she spoke to me I had to repeat the mantra, "look at her eyes, not at her nose, look at her eyes, not at her nose...." I think I was beginning to go cross-eyed. It was killing me!

Then I got home and saw the whitehead that had suddenly developed next to my upper lip. Poor lady. Her own little mantra probably went a bit like, "look at her eyes, not at her zit, look at her eyes, not at her zit...."

Personally, I think she had it worse than me. Just sayin'....


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Late Night Epiphany

I just figured something out. What manufacturers are really saying when they claim their medications have a "warming effect" is: "This medicine will burn your throat, and keep burning your esophagus as it slowly travels to your stomach, where it will probably result in indigestion. Maybe an ulcer. We don't know for sure.... But we're FDA approved, so don't worry about it."

Hello-- why can't they just say what they mean? Warming effect my bootay!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Measuring Up

Today when I took LM to his occupational therapy appointment we saw an extremely petite woman. LM looked at me and started to giggle. "Mom, do you see that tiny lady?" Yep, I see her-- keep walking! As we headed into the lobby I had to stop by the front desk and check him in. And when I reached the waiting room there he was, standing next to the lady with his hand up to measure who was taller (she had him by about an inch). Aye, aye, aye....

1. LM: "Mom, I love you so much-- your breath is enchanting!"
(Practicing his pick-up lines for the future, perhaps?)

2. LM: "Shut it, Ruby!"
Hubby: "Don't say 'shut it', LM."
LM: "But you say it!"
Hubby: "Yeah, but I'm not always a good example."
(Wha'? Hold on a sec....)

3. Creepy Old Man: (said to me while I was grocery shopping with Ruby) "Wow-- you sure are pretty for a mom."
(Ruby was completely disgusted and horrified by this. It was a thing of beauty.)

4. LM: "Today I got in trouble for calling Alexis nutty."
Me: "Ohhhh-- you got in trouble for that?"
LM: "Yeah. But she actually is pretty much a nut-job."

5. LM: (listening to the doctor and I discuss his Asperger's) "What? I have Asperger's?!"
Me: "Yes, remember we talked about it?"
LM: "Oh yeah-- the thing that makes me cool!"
(I am so glad that is what he gleaned from our conversation. Especially since a classmate of LM's recently informed him that his mom said LM had something wrong with his brain. Nice.)

6. LM: "Mom, can I watch TMNT?"
Me: "Homework first."
LM: "Are you going to challenge me, old woman?"
(Uh...yes.)

7. LM: (drinking a glass of pop which he thought was water) "Hey, it's Sprout!"
Hubby: "You mean Sprite."
LM: "Oh yeah!"
(Pop is such a rare commodity around our house he doesn't even know what to call it. Actually, I find that kind of awesome.)

8. Ruby: (examining a photo of herself from 2nd grade) "Ahhhhh, look at me-- I'm soooo cute!"

9. Ruby: (divulging a list of her secret crushes) "It's good to have a lot of options."
(Well, I suppose so.... But at 10??)

10. LM: (after I'd praised him profusely for getting himself ready for school in the morning-- without help) "Yeah, I'm getting pretty responsible!"
Me: "Yes, you are!"
LM: "Yep, I've learned all my lessons! Mom, don't you think it's about time for me to leave the house?"
(Wait a minute-- not so fast, buddy.)

11. LM: (after he and I had a lively dance party in the living room) "Mom, will you never forget this night for the rest of your life?"
Me: "Never!"
LM: "Oh. I'm going to forget it."
(Okay, then.)

12. LM: (after Ruby had smacked his sneaky hand away from her dessert) "Hey!"
Hubby: "Jeez, Ruby, don't be so violent!"
Ruby: "Sorry Dad, I have ninja reflexes-- it's just my nature."
(Hmmmm, she has a point....)

That's it for now! As always, stay tuned....

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho, A Pirate's Life For Me!

We've had a lot of fun with costumes lately. In the past Ruby hasn't been one for Halloween much, but this year was different. When her auntie offered to make a costume for her, suddenly Ruby's interest in the holiday was piqued. And to my utter surprise, Ruby decided to be Artemis. Why was this so surprising, you wonder? Well, this is a child who loathes wearing dresses-- so much so that I once offered to pay her to don one to her Christmas choir concert. And it's quite obvious that in order to be a Greek goddess, a gal can't throw on a pair of skinny jeans and Converse tennies. (Well, if you're a Percy Jackson character I suppose it would be apropos-- but I didn't want to suggest this and then ruin the possibility of seeing my Ruby looking feminine.) So I happily covered the cost of the supplies needed to get my little lady to look like, well, a lady.


LM, on the other hand.... He just likes dressing up. Period. In fact, it's not unusual for him to come home from school and immediately strip off his regular clothes and hop into a costume. The following shots are not from Halloween, however. These are from his cousin's pirate-themed birthday party. LM wanted to keep his attire as authentic as possible, and so he elected to take his shirt off. (He must have been impersonating a Hawaiian pirate or something.) And if one piratey eye-patch makes you look deliciously malevolent, then two must make you even more so-- even if you can't see anymore.


And, of course, if you're truly going to be a pirate, you gotta get a bit rowdy. After all, pirates don't sit quietly, politely eating their cake and ice cream-- right? And attempting to "borrow" the guest of honor's new birthday presents in order to play with them yourself is perfectly acceptable behavior for swashbuckling buccaneers. (And look-- he even has a realistic looking rum belly too!)


Hey, that gives me an idea! I think LM's next birthday party theme should be "Door Mouse" or "Victorian Gentleman". Agh, who am I kidding? LM would find loopholes, no doubt. The door mouse would probably stumble into some mutating gel and turn into a ninja master ala Splinter. And the victorian gentleman would certainly find cause to duel the other party-goers with pistols at dawn.

Yeah, it's best to just go with the flow, I suppose. Besides, it's really more fun that way.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Like, That Was So Bodacious!

The other day I was able to attend a lecture by the renowned scientist and author, Dr. Stephen Meyer. Afterwards I bought his book, "Signature in the Cell", and then stood in line to have him sign it. When it was my turn, what do you suppose I said to this extremely intelligent man? (Hint: I sounded like an idiot.)

"I super enjoyed your talk!"

Yes, I actually said that. To a man who moments previously had described things such as DNA and the laws of physics with such dynamic academic language my brain was smoking by the end of his presentation.

Yeah-- I'm, like, really awesome at making a good first impression.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Ouch, Your Honor!

Today at the placement hearing I attended, my supervisor smacked me when it was my turn to speak to the judge. Apparently he wanted me to stand up, and that was his idea of giving me a little hint. There was an awkward moment as the judge just stared at us. I wanted to file a dependency petition right then and there to remove myself from my sup's "care", 'cause I'm pretty sure that was abuse. And I have witnesses.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

No Thanks, I'm Full

As most of you know, hubby and I hit the jackpot in terms of having unique children. I know, I know; every child is unique. But you gotta admit-- mystery dermatological diseases and quirky social disorders are not something that the average parent gets to navigate through. So, needless to say, we've dabbled in all sorts of health-related fields over the years. This week we explored naturopathy. (Naturopathy is not a new concept for us, of course-- raw diet, anyone? But I've never taken both the kiddos to see an actual naturopathic doctor for testing before.)

And you know what we found out from the naturopath? We are not allowed to eat food anymore. It's rather unfortunate, really-- I've always enjoyed eating. But the naturopath identified the children's intolerances and in our family we have an "all for one, one for all" food policy, which means that if one of us isn't allowed to eat something, nobody else gets it either. (At least, not while anyone is looking. Hey, I'm not an angel, folks.)

For LM, milk and soy are now off limits. For Ruby Jane, it's potatoes. At first glance these might seem like simple (although unfortunate) foods to avoid. But what you may not realize is that there are milk, soy and potato derivatives in literally everything. Regular salt? Off-limits due to its potato-derived anti-caking agent. Most rice milk? Off-limits due to a milk-derived calcium additive. Chocolate? Soy-lecithin. Bread and meat? Most likely have potato starch or milk-derived preservatives. (Unless I get the uber-expensive stuff at health food stores.) So, what does that leave us? Celery and water, my friends. Celery and water.

Mmmmmmmm.

Now, if hubby and I get tested it's quite possible that celery will be taken off the list of allowable food items. So hubby and I will remain in blissful ignorance-- for now....

Any bets on how long this is gonna last?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Video Du Jour

I have a video quote (of sorts) to share this time. In it you will notice a few things-- one of which is the fact that I find my son hilarious when really I should be correcting him. You might also notice that LM finds the image of himself (which he can see while I'm recording him) quite distracting.


I'm gonna have to do some research to find out what the Bible says about archenemies, 'cause I don't have an answer for that one. As usual, LM's mind is operating on a more profound level than mine.

On to the "regular" quotes:

1. LM: (commenting on hubby's breath) "Ewwwww! That smells disgusting!"
Hubby: "I'm not feelin' a lot of love right now."
LM: "Saying 'ewwww!' isn't loving? I don't get it."
(We know son, we know....)

2. Ruby: (trying to assist her littlest cousin in the bathroom) "Mister, are you pretending to go potty?"
Mister: "Yeah. I preten'n to go potty. Wanna see my butt? Wanna see my butt?!"
Ruby: "Ummmm, no thanks."
(Boys.... Do they ever tire of showing us their favorite parts? Ever?)

3. Hubby: (seeing our daughter looking all comfy-cozy) "I'm gonna take Ruby's book page and get into my bathrobe."
(Or, would you be "taking a page from her book" rather? I'd say skip the bathrobe and go straight to bed, babe.)

4. LM: "Mom, you rock!"
Me: "Ah, thanks, bud!"
LM: "You could rock a guitar! You could rock it anywhere!"
(Sometimes LM gets his metaphors a little too on the literal side.)

5. Me: (with Mister on my lap waving a pair of toy scissors in front of my face) "I'm scared!"
The Bopper: "Don't be scared! Trust in the Lord with all your heart!"
Me: "Okay!" (Mister then proceeds to pinch my face-- hard-- in between the scissors.)
Me: "OW! Bopper, I trusted in the Lord but still got hurt. Now what?"
The Bopper: (thinking a moment) "Make Mister get off-- just go give him to my mom."
Me: (removing the tike from my lap) "Good idea."
(As usual, I enjoy dissecting the profundity of kids' answers. And I came up with this: trust God always, but don't let that stop you from removing the wild kid with scissors from your lap before he attacks your face.)

6. LM: (looking in the mirror after I had unsuccessfully attempted to tame his morning hair) "Looks sexy!"
(Yikes.)

7. LM: (after telling me that one of his classmates informed him their school is haunted) "Looks like I have a mystery on my hands!"
(Indeed.)

8. LM: (upon seeing my grandma and uncle who were visiting from out of town) "Did you bring us something?"
Me: (slightly horrified) "If they didn't that would be okay-- because you're happy to see them whether they bring you something or not, right?"
LM: (looking back to my grandma) "Yeah." (Pause.) "But did you?"
(As a matter of fact, she did!)

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, all! :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Zdravo, Dober Dan!

Ummmm.... I just discovered the confusing "stats" tab on my Blogger dashboard. It mostly tells me information I don't understand in the least, but this little tidbit I do understand: someone from Slovenia has checked out my blog this month. Uh, I don't know anyone from Slovenia. But I would like to extend a heartfelt "dobrodosli!" in case they should ever return. (And to the few Canadians who stopped by, "Hello, eh!")

Delicioso!

I'm growing something in a jar on my counter. On purpose. I'm not even sure what it is, but in a week when it's all fermenty-like, I'm gonna make my daughter drink it. To be honest, I feel a little bit like a witch who's mixing up some nasty potion for my hapless victim.

Kombucha. Ever heard of it? I have-- but I've never tasted it let alone fermented the stuff right in my own kitchen. It's just one of the many experiments (in a long line) that we've dabbled in for the sake of Ruby's mystery disease. A little old lady I don't even know gave me a "start" of the stuff so that we can mix the magical brew and cure Ruby once and for all! (If I had a dime for every time we've been given a "miracle cure" I'd be in Hawaii right now.) Heck, we're always game for a dietary adventure, though-- 'cause you never know when something might actually work, right?

So if you come over and see the bowl of brown liquid with a blobby mass growing inside it, know that it is not a science fair project gone terribly wrong. It is far, far worse than that. It is Kombucha. (Whatever the heck that is exactly.) But hey, at least I don't have to drink the stuff. That's Ruby's job. Wahahahahahaaa! Ahem, I mean, poor little thing....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

What's Your Function?

Commas are very, very important-- as are conjunctions. When they're not used appropriately, nauseating food may result. Like the sign I saw today advertising "Cornbread Chili" and "Coleslaw Brownies". How disgusting! And to think that something delicious like "Cornbread, Chili, Coleslaw and Brownies" could have been served instead-- if only some decent punctuation had been implemented. What a shame! All those poor customers needlessly eating cabbage-infused brownies and dry, crumbly chili as a result....

So, let that be a lesson to restaurants everywhere: food tastes better with a dash of proper grammar! (And since you cannot eat my writing, I hereby exempt myself from my own advice. Thank you. That is all.)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

He Does That....

We were at a busy playground this afternoon, the kids and I. I always keep a hawk-eye on LM at these places because the boy loves talking to strangers-- and this particular crowd was pretty ghetto. But within the span of about 5 seconds I lost sight of him. He does that...wanders off. (I estimate that at least 10 years have been taken off my life span due to moments like these.) But I finally spotted him running toward the covered picnic area. He was dodging behind beams ala James Bond before breaking out into an army crawl on the concrete ground under the tables. What the...? When I finally caught up to him, he was already speaking to a young woman with her daughter and grandmother. He was apologizing for something.

"He's apologizing for being mean to my daughter," the young woman explains.

"What did you do, LM?" I ask, not having seen whatever encounter was being discussed.

"Well, I accidentally stepped on her finger when she fell down," he explains. The mother of the little girl then adds, "I believe he growled at her afterward-- so she started to cry and ran over here." Yep-- he does that!

"Ohhhhh," I say, not knowing what else to do. After all, it looked like LM had already taken care of the problem on his own. But LM wasn't through. He addressed the child's mother again.

"Yeah, I almost didn't come over here. I was scared you'd kill me. But then I thought, 'hey, it's the right thing to do!' and so I snuck over to apologize."

"Well, that was very brave of you!" exclaims the grandmother.

"Yeah! Just look at how strong I am!" LM proceeds to roll up his sleeve and display his impressive bulk. "Check out these muscles!" he invites. A chorus of ohhhhhs and ahhhhhs follow. The little girl is smiling now, too. "Hey, let me make it up to you," LM adds. He opens up the little black backpack that is his constant companion on outings and takes out his collection of prized possessions. "Let me show you my toys-- you can play with them for a while!" A very generous offer. But oh my, look at the time! I convince LM to put his toys back so that we can go and collect his sister who is playing the "I don't know these people" act.

We leave the trio to their KFC lunch, all of them smiling. I tell LM how proud I am that he took the initiative to go and apologize to the girl, but his mind is already on to the next thing. But my mind isn't, and I find myself smiling too. He does that...makes me smile.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Charmed, I'm Sure

It always brings a smile to my face when I hear of LM's antics second-hand from someone who has had the pleasure of his company while I was away. He is an equal-opportunity embarrasser-- so anyone is fair game. It sorta reinforces the fact that I do not make this stuff up.

Take, for instance, the story my mom relayed to me this evening about a fun excursion she had with LM today. You see, LM likes to start up conversations with strangers. And, depending on the stranger, these exchanges can range from quaint to mortifying. I don't know where this particular experience landed on that scale (I wasn't there, after all), but it was enough to send my mom into fits of giggles retelling it while my dad just shook his head, speechless.

According to my mother, LM found a nice elderly couple to cozy up to while he was taking a quick snack break at a major shopping center. First he commented on the sheer size of their grocery haul, and then he suggested possible ways they could use their bounty (like, make Chinese food, for instance). But it wasn't until he began giving them advice for how to look younger that my mom lost it. (I believe LM suggested hair dye and wrinkle cream.) Fortunately the couple found him charming. At least, that's what I assumed when my mom informed me the lady was covering her face in laughter by the end of their chat. I imagine LM made for a lovely dinnertime tale at someone's house this evening.

Ah, yes, that's my boy. So if you ever want to find out if that certain pair of pants really makes your butt look big-- you know who to ask. Heck, he might just tell you regardless.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ca-CHING!

Gosh, you learn something new everyday, don'tcha? For instance, today I learned that I am a good candidate to lead a life of crime without fear of leaving my fingerprints behind to incriminate me. Huh? What does that even mean? Oh, I'll tell you what that means. That means my fingerprints are virtually useless and unreadable for law enforcement purposes. I found that out today as I was, well, getting fingerprinted. (Don't anybody get alarmed-- it was just a security screen to allow me to officially work at my son's school.) Apparently I have too many wrinkles in my skin that impede the normal spiral pattern. They actually accused me of not moisturizing my hands enough, but I told them (and I would know, thank you very much) that my fingers are simply like that. What can I say? I have the hands of a 90-year old woman. They told me I would need to repeat the experience because my prints could not be scanned properly, and next time would I please come fully moisturized and ready. Yeah, sure, I'll do that. (In the meantime, I'm already scoping out banks.)

Anyway, that has nothing to do with any of the following quotes:

1. LM: "How much money do we have for the carnival?"
Me: "Not very much-- so don't ask for a lot of stuff-- just $15."
LM: "$15?! Ca-CHING!!"

2. LM: (after watching Survivor) "Dad, you're like an older tribe, I'm like a younger tribe."
(Yeah, enjoy it while you can, buddy.)

3. LM: (to one of Ruby's soccer teammates) "You look more like a mom than a soccer player."
(What every 10-year old girl wants to hear, I'm sure.)

4. Me: (to Ruby after she'd made fun of the mangled waffles she cooked up for us) "It doesn't matter what they look like...."
LM: (interrupting me) "Yeah! It just matters that she's a sister in Christ!"
(Well, I was gonna say, "It just matters how they taste." But I like his answer better.)

5. M-i-L (discussing Ruby's soccer game) "It looked like the ball was decepted!"
(I think M-i-L was creating her own word here by combining "deflected" and "intercepted". Hey, it could catch on in the sports world-- you never know.)

6. LM: (offering his pre-dinner prayer) "Dear Jesus, thank you for this day and this dreamy food!"
(If only he thought so highly of all my culinary creations.)

7. LM: (when I told him his TV quota had been filled for the day) "But Mom, you don't know the rules."
(Not only do I know them, kiddo, I wrote 'em!)

8. Me: "Can you guys give me ideas for Nini's birthday?"
Ruby: "For presents?"
Me: "No, for dinner."
Ruby: "Oh, I was going to say underwear, 'cause grown-ups always like boring presents."
(Indeed, we do. And to anyone who cares to know, I love getting underwear.)

9. LM: "Today Auna let me copy her spelling words. Wasn't that so nice?"
Me: "Well.... It sounds like cheating-- I hope it wasn't."
LM: (cheerily) "It was! But don't worry, I won't tell my teacher."
(Oookay, apparently a little chat is in order.)

10. Ruby: (regarding a highly made-up woman) "She looks like she put her makeup on with a paintball gun."
(I hope she remembers that woman during her first venture with eye liner someday....)

11. LM: (upon waking) "I feel refreshingly nice!"
(Oh, that we all could say as much at 7:30am....)

Well, it's time for bed. I have a very busy day tomorrow. First Chase, then Bank of America, and then perhaps Wells-Fargo-- but we'll see how I'm feeling.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Neti...Or Noti?

There are two types of people in the world: those who neti, and those who don't. Me? I neti. In fact, I've turned into a one woman walking advertisement for neti pots. I admit that at first the very idea of neti pots not only repulsed me, it scared the bajeezers outta me. Some of you may recall that last year I dabbled in nasal irrigation by snorting salty water up my nose through cupped hands. I believe I described it as "do-it-yourself waterboarding". Yeah, that didn't work out so well for me.

So this year when I realized that my first-cold-of-the-season congestion was turning into an outright sinus infection, I decided I was desperate enough to buy an actual neti pot. And let me tell you, it was love at first...irrigation.

Since then I've been conducting an informal poll of peeps with colds at the moment. Do they neti, or do they stubbornly choose to suffer? It's a fairly even split. Even now as some of you read this you're experiencing one of two reactions: "Me and my neti pot are tight fo' shizzle!" or "I pity the fool who irrigates their nasal passages!" (Yes, these are actually your exact thoughts.)

As for me, I've been converted. I'd love to convert you, too. So come by anytime and I'll give you a demo! I'll even shove the neti pot up your nose and lean you over the sink in proper position just to get you started. Trust me, you'll thank me profusely. You might even take me out for tea afterward in gratitude. And maybe a pastry, too-- but just tea would be fine.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hindsight Is 20/20

I am exhausted. I should totally be in bed right now, but look at me up blogging instead. Go figure.... It's just that I spent the entire day at my son's school doing vision screening, among other things. What are my credentials for vision screening, you ask? Well.... I wear glasses for starters. The fact that my own vision is atrocious oughta count for something, right? 'Cause, dang, I've been to oodles of eye appointments.

Actually, I have to be honest-- I have no idea why anyone would put me in charge of testing children's eye sight. They must've been pretttty desperate. And there were no real guidelines to follow so I sorta just made up my own. What else was I supposed to do? You see, I'm learning that volunteering in general requires a bit of...fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pantsiness. (Remember-- it's my blog, I can make up whatever words I wanna.) So in the absence of directions, my motto is "make up your own"! Sure, I was scared the first few times I tried this because I am an absolute dyed-in-the-wool direction follower. I read user guides and instruction manuals like they were the latest Grisham novel. My mom once got me a balloon that said, "Love Rules"-- our inside joke being that "love" was the verb and "rules" was the noun instead of vice versa. But we rule lovers are oftentimes not ideal volunteers, let's face it-- we're annoying. We ask too many dang questions! But it's a habit that gets a little more broken with every new volunteer opportunity.

So there I was, telling kids to cover up one eye and then the next, and then having them read the rows of letters from my handy-dandy eye chart. How many letters did they have to get wrong until I declared them to be 20/30, 20/40, 20/50 or beyond? Heck if know-- nobody bothered to explain that part to me! So I implemented my own set of criteria based upon what seemed logical at the time. (Ummmm, I don't think any of your children attend my son's school, but if they do, you might want to consider getting their eyes rechecked by a professional.) But did I get the job done? You betcha! And with a cheery smile to boot? Oh, yeah! And possibly even correctly? Well...possibly....

But the best part is knowing that I just gave a boost to the local optometric businesses, because a lot of kids are going to need professional vision testing after today. I mean, a lot. Ahhh, all in a day's work!


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

My computer's been in the shop for the last couple of days. I kinda missed it.... Okay, that's an understatement. Actually, in its absence I got all shaky and started muttering nonsensical phrases to myself, wringing my hands together all the while. Now I know what you coffee drinkers are talking about when you say caffeine withdrawal. Yikes-- not a pretty sight. So, I'm toying with the idea of having a computer-free day once a week. You know, so I can train my body to be without it. I mean, what if this thing breaks for good? I gotta get to the point where I could survive that scenario. But that has nothing to do with this post. It was just a rather long and unnecessary explanation for why I didn't get as many quotes as usual. (And if you are thinking to yourself that a pen and some paper would have worked well for writing down quotes in my computer's stead, then you are much, much smarter than I am. Did not think of that until right now....)

1. LM: "Mom, when I'm older, I'm gonna be bustin' crimes with Popi!"
(That idea is only slightly less farfetched than if he said he'd be bustin' rhymes with Popi-- although both are equally delightful to imagine....)

2. LM: "Hey Mom, I have a joke for you!"
Me: "Okay!"
LM: "Hi, Raph, watcha doin'?"
Me: (waiting for punch line).
LM: (whispering harshly) "Mom! You're supposed to say, 'I'm just mowin' the lawn with a monster truck'."
Me: "Oh! I'm just mowin' the lawn with a monster truck."
LM: (looking at me as if I'm an idiot) "What?! Are you crazy?"

3. LM: "Hey Mom, guess what?"
Me: "What?"
LM: "Today is servant day. And guess who's serving me today?"
Me: (with a sneaking suspicion) "Who?"
LM: "You!"
(So-- what makes that different than any other day?)

4. Me: "LM! There's pee on the toilet seat again!!"
LM: "You just have to get used to it, Mom."
(That just ain't right, son.)

5. LM: (talking about one of his grandma's friends who has been married and widowed three times) "But Lola made a good choice, right? She married plenty of husbands for a lot of enjoyment!"
(Hmmmmm.... That's one way to look at it, I guess.....)

6. LM: "Hey Mom, guess what I'm saying." (Proceeds to move his mouth in random, silent shapes.)
Me: (wishfully thinking) "You're saying, 'I love you sooooo much, Mom-- you're the best mom ever!!'"
LM: "Ummmmmmm...close. I said, 'I love you sooooo much, Mom-- thanks for buying me a ninja outfit online!"
(But wait...I didn't do that....)

Well, I'd say it's time to turn off my now wonderfully smooth-running Mac. And I will leave you with this one piece of advice-- buy the Apple Care Protection Plan when purchasing your new Mac (which, I'm assuming, will be everyone's next computer, right?). Worth. Every. Penny. Goodnight!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Do Re Mi

Is it just me-- or is there a direct correlation between the awesomeness of your voice and the volume of your iPod?  The higher I turn that puppy up the better I sound.  I mean, I think I should probably get discovered or something.  

Monday, September 20, 2010

Shoo Fly!

I find myself wishing I could be a fly on the wall at my kids' schools. I bet they're funny. Sure, I get a little taste of what they're like when I come in to volunteer, but I can't help but think I'd get a more accurate representation if they didn't know I was there. Do you think it would look bad if I hid in the bushes and peered through the windows into their classrooms every once in a while? In any case, I'm pretty sure I'd get a bunch more quotes that way.

1. Woman: "Hi, Nona! I didn't recognize you-- you look cute!"
(I believe the last time a woman didn't recognize me immediately was because I looked older. This time it was for looking unaccustomedly cute. I'm going to try not to analyze those things too much. I might get a complex.)

2. LM: (anxious for a book he had on hold) "Mom, can we walk to the library?"
Me: "No, bud, it's way too far."
LM: "Well, we could just make a chariot. All we need is some wheels, wood, and electronic stuff...I'm not saying it will be perfect."
(Um.... Or we could just wait until daddy gets home with the car.)

3. LM: "Can I play with a friend?"
Me: "No, but you can get dressed."
LM: "Nah, it's my goal to stay in my jammies all day."
(That's right, LM-- aim high.)

4. Ruby: "LM! How come you're being so mean to Carson?"
LM: "Because I have nothin' to do!"
(Eek-- get the boy some playdough or something!)

5. LM: (talking about the cookies I was making) "Mom, I just get the big ones. Ruby can have the runts."
Me: "Well, that's pretty selfish, isn't it?"
LM: "Yep."
(Well, okay then....)

6. Ruby: (after LM had explained that he told a bully his sister would defend him if she wasn't nice to him) "So, what did you tell her I'd do to her?"
LM: "That you'd give her a really piece of your mind!"
(Ruby then clarified that she was willing to punch the girl instead-- and forgive me, but I did not discourage this team building exercise, misguided though it was. But I may live to regret that....)

Perhaps you'll recall the recent quotes concerning LM's version of theology? Well, it was Ruby's turn this week!

7. Ruby: (trying to get her dad to do something she wanted) "Dad, the Bible says let your word be yes."
(Yikes-- we'd all be in for it then, wouldn't we?)

8. Ruby: (explaining what she learned at church, giggling uncontrollably) "Whatever comes outta the mouth goes into the stomach and out of the body."
(Although we corrected her wording of the verse, Ruby still laughed her head off. She was just too taken with the fact that Jesus was making a delicate reference to poop. Leave it to Ruby....)

There, consider yourself a fly on our wall! Never dull, never dull....

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Darn Donkeys!

Most of you (all of you??) know that my son has Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. (You didn't think all that hilarity of LM's came outta nowhere, did you?) Anyway, I've discovered that the general population remains fairly ignorant about Asperger's-- what it is and how it presents itself. (Hint: there is no mold-- Asperger's comes in many different shapes and sizes.) And sometimes when we're out in public people will openly stare in disapproval and even (gasp!) comment on our son's behavior (or try and correct him themselves). I find that prettttty annoying. So last time we were in to see the doc who diagnosed him, I asked her what I should say to these rude people. "Tell them he's autistic!" she exclaimed, clearly disgusted by the nerve of some folks. But I kept dreaming up better, more creative responses. I can't help it...it's how I'm wired. So here are some examples of the types of things people say, and how I imagine us responding to them-- of course, we've never actually said any of this stuff...yet:

Person: (scowling after LM has just run into her because, well, LM also has coordination disorder) "Watch out! You shouldn't be letting your son run-- this is a church, not a playground!"
Me: "You're right. He's got Ass Burgers, though, so sometimes he gets a little crazy."
Person: "Asperger's, huh?"
Me: "No, A-S-S-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. When he was younger we went to this 'upscale' restaurant, and unbeknownst to us they were making their patties out of donkey meat. He hasn't been the same ever since. So I've been on a crusade the last four years to eliminate donkey meat from every restaurant in the country, but it hasn't been easy-- it's a big chef conspiracy you know. But I'm really glad I got this chance to warn you-- don't ever let your kids eat Ass Burgers! I am telling you it is dangerous stuff, my friend. Dangerous stuff."

Me: (after LM has just said something very inappropriate) "Sorry about that! We never quite know what's gonna come out of his mouth!"
Person: "Hmph!"
Me: "Yeah, autistic kids sometimes need help learning how to use a filter-- we're working on it."
Person: (skeptical) "He doesn't look autistic."
Me: "I know. It's the plastic surgery we had done. He looks so much like a real boy, doesn't he? But it's plastic-- all of it. Insurance didn't cover the operation, of course, so we'll be paying for it until we die-- but it's worth every penny just to hear you say that."

Ruby's friend: "Your brother's a freak!"
Ruby: "Yeah, isn't it cool? We bought him from the circus when he was a baby. He was the bearded lady and fire-eating man's love child. We got a great discount because he already had a moustache at 3-months old-- but we figured with all the money we were saving we could just buy an electric razor. And, besides, he's so cheap to feed-- eats lit birthday candles. Man, I love that kid!"

LM's classmate: (direct quote from today at an after school event) "I don't want to sit next to weird LM-- he's annoying!"
Hubby: "I am so relieved to hear you say that, kiddo. Because when I walked in here I asked myself, 'now where should LM sit?' and I saw this super cool little boy-- do you see him over there? Yeah, that's him. Well, he's the nicest kid I've ever met, and I always tell LM, 'LM, aim high-- don't waste your time on mean little boys!' So you've really helped me out a lot here, bud. Thanks for not letting him sit next to you-- that woulda been a real bummer."

Too snarky? Well, if you can come up with something better, do share! :)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Arachnophobia

Do you remember that movie? I think I was in junior high when it came out, and at the time it was the pinnacle of horror movies for me. (Ummm, actually, it still is.) But why am I bringing it up now, you ask? Well, do you recall the shower scene? You know-- when the super deadly spider was slowly being rinsed down that chick's belly? (I'm shuddering right now as I type this.)

Uh, well I practically live that scene every other day. And I'm only sorta exaggerating just a little tiny bit. (Okay, so the spiders are never actually technically on me in the shower, but more often than not they join me in the stall.) Huge brown spiders with nasty, hairy bodies. (Shuddering again.) This time I'm not exaggerating at all: I've killed about ten of these buggers in the last two or three weeks.

There I am, minding my own business-- maybe shaving my legs or something ('cause that darn wax job finally wore off) when I look down to see a large, quickly moving creepy thing making a mad dash for the side of the stall. They're too big to go down the drain, and I'm too chicken to squash them with a bare foot (ew!). So more often than not, I simply wait for them to drown before washing their lifeless bodies to the side until I can dispose of them properly. I hope you are not feeling sympathy for them right now. You do realize they were about to attack me and inject my body with their deadly poison before sucking out all of my life blood, right? (Or was that in the movie? I can't remember.)

So if I'm a bit stinky next time you see me, you'll understand if I tell you I've been avoiding the shower....

Monday, September 13, 2010

Quotables

Whew-- it was a wild one last week! I haven't posted for a few reasons-- I've been gone, and I've been an angry person. But it's amazing how quickly anger dissipates when you write it all down in a scolding letter and send it off to the one(s) who wronged you. :) Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! The situation hasn't quite become funny yet (hysterical, yes-- but not in a good way), but when I reach that point you can be sure you'll read about it here first! In the meantime, I have quotes....

1. M-i-L: (walking into the bathroom) "Who was in here last? The water's running, they didn't flush the toilet-- and it's POOP!"
LM: "My bad!"

2. LM: (talking about a toy he'd ordered online and was anxiously awaiting) "I freakin' want it today!"
(Ummmm.... Okay, hubby, you were right-- I guess I do say "freakin'" too much....)

3. LM: (to the mailman) "Kind sir, do you have a package in there?"
(I don't know where he got it, but he's been addressing men he doesn't know as "kind sir" lately.)

4. Me: (in my cheery auntie voice) "Bopper, don't touch the TV screen, sweetie."
The Bopper: "But I didn't learn that yet!"
Me: "Well, now you learned it!"
The Bopper: (sadly) "No, I didn't."
(I guess aunties aren't quite as effective teachers as mothers are.)

5. LM: "Mom, you know Auntie T's last name? It's kinda a nickname for boobs."
(Or, as T puts it, "boobs are kinda a nickname for my last name." I'm not sure who's right, though.)

6. LM: "You know the best part of incorporated? Corporated!"
(Uhhhh.... Wha'?)

7. LM: (after we'd been teasing hubby for being a dork-- which is a good thing in our family) "Mom, next time just marry somebody else."
Me: "Like who?"
LM: "Mr. Craig."
(I gotta say, though, I'm having a pretty hard time believing that Mr. Craig isn't a dork as well. Perhaps his wife can verify?)

8. Ruby Jane: "Mom, can you read to us now?"
Me: "No, because you guys didn't obey-- that was the deal."
Ruby: "But I obeyed eventually!"
(I'm thinking there are some profound spiritual revelations in there. Brain. Is. Trying. Hard. To. Grasp. Them! Ugh...it's no use....)

Sheesh-- I thought I had more than that, but I must not have written them all down. Oh well, there's always more where those came from!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Gotta Love 'Em

I gotta tell ya; older people are really interesting. I've been hanging out with several lately (they're my homies, fo' shizzle), and ye gads, they can make you smile in affection and then bodily cringe within the span of 5 seconds. (I guess that's why I get along with them so great-- I have the very same effect on people.) And Dad, I would tell you to stop reading this post now except for the fact that you're on the verge of elderdom, and it's about time you start getting used to this sort of stuff. I mean, what are you gonna talk about with your friends in a few years if you can't handle subjects like kidney stones and atrophy? Oh, I hear about it all....

Next time you're lucky enough to hang with some seniors, do yourself a favor-- shut-up and listen. Just this weekend I learned more about elderly health than I could have gleaned from the entire content of webmd.com. Did you know it can take weeks to pass a kidney stone? Or the general procedure that is used to remove one that's 1/4" in diameter? It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. But I'm fairly certain I now know enough about this subject to actually remove one of your kidney stones if you're ever unlucky enough to get one.

I've also been able to practice my poker face when unexpected flatulence occurs. And boy, did I get a lot of practice with that little skill this weekend! Go ahead-- next time I see you just rip one. See if I don't keep on talking and going along as if the whole neighborhood didn't just hear that. I am getting good.

I've also discovered recently that a 70+ year old can leave my tush in the dust while on a walk...in the dark...on a deserted and hilly road. I would like to blame it on the fact I was wearing flip-flops while she was in tennis shoes, but I really don't think that was the deciding factor.... Girl can move, that's all I gotta say. Also humbling is the way that my mother-in-law can school me in the use of technology. Sometimes when she's chattering on about some software program I just nod my head like I'm tracking with her, but really, me no understandy.

An unexpected group, these seniors. Just when you think you've got them figured out-- BOOM-- they go and start humming the tune to Redneck Woman. And when they get to the "hell, yeah" part you can't help but smile, even though they just swore a little.... Yep-- gotta love 'em.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Go, Ninja, Go!


This is LM's new 'do for school this year. (See www.brainthing.blogspot.com for the photo.) It's a ninja haircut, see. He plopped himself right down in the stylist's chair and asked for it by name. I guess after his Transformer haircut he figured nothing was impossible. But the gal sorta looked at me like, "huh?" and I just shrugged my shoulders. Her guess was as good as mine! So when she brought out the book of hair style photos and LM's eye caught sight of the kid in a karate pose, he figured that must be what he was looking for. Only thing was, the kid had a faux-hawk-- a spiky red one. Hmmmm.

So here's picture number two. It shows off the red a bit more than the first photo. Don't worry folks, it's just red-colored hair gel-- it washes out...eventually. And, dang, that's one happy little ninja. Let's just hope he never becomes a huge fan of Donald Trump....






Monday, August 30, 2010

End Of Summer Quotes

Oh school, how I have missed thee! The way you take my children and keep them busy all day, and then return them to me in the afternoon exhausted-- and with homework. I'm so looking forward to our reunion, my friend! (Okay, I admit I'm gonna miss my li'l critters just a tiny bit. But I think I'll get used to the peace and quiet again real quick-- so don't worry a bit about me!)

Anyway, here are the quotes I've gathered lately. Even my mom and mother-in-law made it into the mix this time! Enjoy....

1. Mom: "I wish I didn't have such a big load in my back."
(FYI: she was talking about her "trunk" here-- like, the actual car kind. But I still giggled.)

2. Ruby: (while walking in our neighborhood) "Hey, maybe we'll encounter that funny dog."
(Yes, and when we do, we'll offer it a salutational wave! Geez, when did we start feeling the need to utilize such formal language?)

3. M-i-L: (asking about Ruby's upcoming doctor appointment) "So, I guess they won't know anything until the autopsy results come back?"
(Hmmmmm. I believe the word we were looking for here was "biopsy".)

4. Hubby: (after hearing a suspiciously juicy noise) "Ruby, did you just fart?"
Ruby: "Smell the air and find out!"

5. LM: Do you just love being with my mom?"
LM's Friend: (tentatively) "Uhhhhh.... Kind...of. But I like being with my mom better."
(Well, hey, at least she knows where her loyalties lie.)

6. LM's Friend: "My grandma is going to be 90 today!"
Me: "Really?! Your dad's mom?!"
LM's Friend: "Yeah! Or she might be 84 or in her 40's. I can't really remember, but she's SO old!"
(Wait a minute....)

7. LM: "When I grow up I'm gonna be a robber. A good robber. A robber who kills other robbers who rob banks."
(That is just wrong on so many levels.)

8. LM: (after we'd praised his sister for her expert car washing skills-- a bit too much apparently) "But do you know who the best car washer is?"
Me: "Who?"
LM: "Jesus!"
(Um....)

9. Ruby: (accurately suspecting her brother of foul play) "LM! What did you just do?"
LM: "I did absolutely nothing!"
Ruby: "Oh yeah? Well the tone of your voice says you did absolutely something."
(Ahhh-- already a detective-- she'll make a great mom someday!)

10. LM: "You know how babies come out? They just cut a hole in the mom's tummy and reach in and pull the baby out."
Hubby: "That's not the only way they come out."
Me: (cringing at this conversation).
Hubby: "If I tell you the other way, you need to promise you won't discuss it with your friends."
LM: "Wait! I don't want to know!"
(Smart boy. Relieved mom. Disappointed dad.)

11. Ruby: (after watching a violent nature show) "Is that why you became a vegetarian?"
Me: "Not exactly. But I could show you other videos that would make you wanna be a vegetarian."
Ruby: "Why?"
Me: "Because of how the farm animals are treated. You might decide you don't want to support that system."
Ruby: (deadpan) "It's called dominion, Mom."
(Well touche!)

12. LM: "Ruby, you're the grossest sister ever. And you're beautiful."
(Makes sense, coming from a brother and all.)

Enjoy the end of summer, everyone!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

EMOtion


Chicory. Chicory and Moroccan Sand, actually. Who would have thought that two such lovely sounding colors, when mixed, would produce what can only be described as emo hair. (Um...I was actually expecting something in the vicinity of brown.) Great. Just great. I'm a 32-year old mother of two who looks as though she might be harboring a secret teenage depression.

So, unless I can get this hair color to fade faster than an emo can say, "there is so much beauty in black despair!" I will have to just run with it. Perhaps my next post could be a poem about how much pain there is in the world. Or I could break out the ol' black eye liner and give my peepers a thorough go around. And next time you see me and ask, "how are you, Nona?" I could say something like, "Life is one long nightmare I can't wake up from!"

On second thought.... I'll just pretend that black is the new brown. Because, well...for a little while anyway, it is.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Nit-Twit

I am a twit. Er...a tweeter? A twitterer! Yes, that must be it. Anyway, I'm on Twitter now. Have been for a few weeks. This will come as a surprise to most of you who know how much I dislike Facebook. But it was actually my dad who (unwittingly) convinced me to join. It's like this; everything that makes me nervous about Facebook (farms, mafias, awkward "friendships" with people I haven't thought about for 20 years, etc.) is nonexistent on Twitter. And you only have 140 characters (not words, mind you) in which to express your thoughts. (Actually, that can be a bit of a bummer sometimes-- I'm not usually at a loss for words.)

But as wonderful as that all sounds, my twittering days are about over. I find that it's far too much like talking to myself. (And I can talk to myself without the help of a social networking site-- for Pete's sake, I blog!) You see, you gotta have a little something called followers. It's like the difference between speaking with a group of people, or talking to yourself while the group of people quietly ignores you. And perhaps the group ignores me because I have a very hard time being remotely serious. Every time I attempt to tweet something profound and spiritual, my mind automatically wanders to things like underwear and tripping-- or tripping on underwear. I suppose people are looking for more quality content to be stuffed into that tiny 140 character capacity than I have to offer.

Whatever the reason, I will finish out my 1-month Twitter experiment and then quietly recede back into real life-- where my "followers" find me charming, winsome and have to obey my every command. (That's the benefit of having children, you know.)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A Move To Remember

A couple words to describe the 4 day, 36-mile Glacier hike the men folk recently returned from: exhausting, draining, challenging.... And I'm not describing the men's experience, by the way. I'm talking about all of us ladies who had to stay home and care for the young'ns while they were gone. A description of a simple walk around the block with all four children will provide a suitable analogy to our entire 4 day experience, I believe.

First of all, just getting out the door had its own array of problems. From going on an all-out manhunt for lost shoes and then forcing a reluctant walker out the door, to explaining to the tween in the group that the reason she didn't get to take ice cream along (like the other 3 children) was that she chose pie earlier instead. (Sometimes basic logic that, on the surface, seems abundantly clear is easily corrupted in the complex brains of adolescent first-born girls-- I won't name any names specifically.) But eventually we all got outside-- which, in my humble opinion, is the best place to start a walk.

Once outside, we began to move. Now, please don't mistake the verb "move" for "walk". We were doing no such thing. In fact, I'm not sure what exactly we were doing, but it closely resembled some sort of interpretive dance. There were children romping around all over the place, and trying to get them to form a cohesive walking unit was like trying to organize a litter of kittens. (Ever tried to herd cats? There's a reason you never hear stories of lonely shepherd boys with their flock of felines.) But eventually we were able to guide the movement in one general direction.

Of course, the minute the children saw a big excavator (I can't believe I just spelled that right on the first try-- yay me!) moving earth a block away, they made a beeline right for it. And on the way, Mister managed to drool most of his fudgesicle down the front of his naked belly (my sister had wisely stripped him for such an eventuality). Ah, but I haven't adequately described the fudgesicle carnage here. Ever seen horror movie covers at the video store? You know, the kind where blood is dripping rivulets down the body of some hapless victim? (Now there's something for you to dream about tonight!) Well, Mister looked remarkably like a character from one of those movies. It was almost embarrassing to be within 20-feet of him, actually. That, and the fact that he played in whatever dirt he could manage to escape into when his mother lost hold of him-- well, let's just say that mess doesn't even begin to describe it.

When the children's excavator curiosity was adequately satiated, we once again began our slight "movement" down the street. We'd lose a kid here or there in a construction site (one of the many in my parents' neighborhood), have to manage my very obnoxious dog (who feels as though the mere sight of another animal is cause for foaming at the mouth), console crying children (I can't even remember about what) and sometimes have to stop to admire somebody's lawnmower (don't ask). But eventually we made it around one entire block! It was a feat to be admired-- and it only took about a half hour! Not even joking. Wish I was, but I'm not.

So, who was more worn out after their 4 day excursion? I think it might be a toss-up.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

I'm so glad I wasn't there for this one.... Hubby came home the other day and told me that he'd run into a former student's dad. This particular gentleman has been blessed with a generous portion of upper teeth-- and apparently LM noticed. So, naturally, LM asked the man if he was perchance a woodchuck. Oh, boy.... And if that wasn't bad enough, he proceeded to wonder aloud if the man had the ability to gnaw through wood. Ah, but there's more! LM then produced a fine piece of bark for the man to attempt his woodchucking skills on. I wondered how hubby had allowed it to get that far. Usually you can see LM's wheels spinning before he actually takes off, but hubby must have been too flabbergasted to stop the momentum that was clearly in full force. I can only hope that this man's sense of humor and graciousness are as large as his teeth.

Well, that one will make the following quotes seem quite tame, I'll bet.

1. LM: (on our way to the lake) "Getting to the lake is a piece of cake!"
Hubby: "Well, sometimes it's not...."
LM: "Yeah-- if you're a dunderhead!"

2. LM: (crying) "Mommy, Daddy's forcing me to eat pancakes-- and he won't let me eat nothin' else! That's no way to treat a kid!"
(Somebody call CPS!)

3. LM: (running into the bathroom before I could cover myself up after showering) "Mom, you look like an old Transformer grandpa."
(Sheesh, not even a grandma??)

4. LM: (talking to Ruby) "If you don't kiss Mom, she'll hit you a lot."
Me: "What?!"
(FYI: hitting is reserved for when the kids annoy me, not when they don't kiss me.)

5. Ruby: "How come in soap operas there's only 2 people and they stay in one room and argue for 2 hours?"
Hubby: "Where have you been watching soap operas?!"
Ruby: "Well, I don't.... But Grandpa does-- and I couldn't help but see a little bit."
(Hmmmm-- she has a point.... And just to clarify, she wasn't talking about my dad.)

6. LM: (sitting down to our dinner of pizza and buffalo wings) "Hey, this is just like a tea party!"
(Sure, maybe a "man tea party" or something.)

7. LM: (looking up into my nose) "Mom, did you know you have a hairy snout?"
(Well, it's better than being accused of having woodchuck teeth, I suppose.)

8. LM: (proclaiming loudly after having used a public bathroom) "I'm never going in there again! It's smells like rotten bacon and eggs-- I think I'm gonna throw-up!"
(Tell me how you really feel, LM.)

So, can I just reiterate that you speak to my son at your own risk?

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sister, Sister

Ummmm.... So, if you see a suspicious looking photograph of my little sister and me on Facebook in the near future-- allow me to do some pre-damage control. (I have a feeling my brother-in-law is going to doctor it up with a bit of photoshopping. He's hilarious, that one.)

Anyway....

First: it's chocolate.
Second: she couldn't reach it, so I had to.
Third: we're sisters, so I'm allowed.
Fourth: yes-- afterward we laughed until we cried.

Besides, I've had a bit of practice wiping her butt over the years (albeit without jeans on usually)-- she's almost 10 years younger than I am, after all. So I was a natural choice to get the job done!

There, hope that's all clear now. Er, and if the photo never surfaces, then just forget I said anything at all.... Nothing happened.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Hole-y Quotes

It's late, my feet are killing me (ah-- so that's what happens when you stand on them all day!) and I want nothing more than to stare at the back of my eyelids for the next 10 hours or so. But wouldn't you know the quotes are starting to stack up? So I need to unload a few to make room for the next batch-- I'll sleep better. You'll notice that LM has been waxing theological lately and, um...don't judge me....

1. LM: "Mom, there's two different kinds of frees. The number free, and the free that doesn't cost anything."
(Um...I guess it's time to work on that tricky "th" sound again.)

2. LM: (after I'd told him I would buy him a treat if he went to the grocery store with me) "Mom, I just hate food. If it's a toy, then yes. If it's a toy AND food, then it's absolutely yes."
(I ended up at the store alone.)

3. LM: "Mom, I'm Jesus' son."
Me: "You'r--"
LM: "That means I'm a god!"
Me: "Uh...no."
(Just nipping that potential future cult in the bud right away, folks.)

4. LM: (after posing a question he wanted a certain answer to) "Let's hear it from the boss of this whole place-- which is Mom."
(Well, at least he's got that right!)

5. Me: (handing Ruby a new brand of shower cleaner) "Wait a minute, let's read the directions first."
Ruby: (grabbing the bottle) "We don't need the directions! We're Americans!"
(Yikes.)

6. The Bopper: "I just wanna do it by myself-- like a big lady!"
(Amazing how just inserting the word "lady" in place of "girl" changes the whole connotation!)

7. Ruby: "Dad, could you do some stomach exercises, shave your chest, and get a tan?"
(Hmmmmm.... Somebody's been watching too much TV.)

8. LM: (after watching me make a move in a game which gave him an advantage) "Mom, you were dumb there for a second, weren't you?"
(For the record, I was letting him win.)

9. LM: (sneaking out of bed after being told to stay put) "Uh-huh! Mom, I'm good! I snuck past Daddy like a Ninja!"

10. LM: "Mom, can I watch TV?"
Me: "Did you finish your reading with Dad?"
LM: "Yeah, I read The Two Bobby Brothers."
Hubby: "You mean The Bobbsey Twins."
LM: "Oh...yeah."
(Yeah-- clearly the reading comprehension is still a bit lacking.)

11. Me: (at 6:00 in the morning) "C'mere buddy, sit on my lap!"
LM: (barely awake) "I'd rather sit in a purse and cry all day."
(Huh? Clearly he hadn't had his morning coffee yet.)

12. LM: "That little boy took something away from me and he was rude! When I get to Heaven, I'm gonna punish him!"

13. LM: "God knows all our secrets-- but I know one of his secrets. You know how he heals everyone? He uses potions! And miracles...."
(My, my-- that is a juicy secret, eh?)

Goodnight all!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Moi?

Sometimes I worry people might read this blog and find me a bit irreverent. But I want to assure everyone that nothing could be further from the truth. I absolutely love reverends! I would not be who I am today without the active involvement of many reverends in my life.

Phew-- I am so relieved to to have cleared that up!

Friday, July 30, 2010

30: The New "Tween"

My older sister and I are both in our 30s. I love it! It is youth with experience; energy with maturity; a well-traveled road behind, and a long journey ahead. But there are also some awkward aspects that go along with being at such a crossroads. Sis and I were just discussing the whole dichotomy today....

Like, when you see that adorable 18-year old guy working the check stand at the store. Wearing a big goofy grin, what you want to say is, "well, aren't you just the cutest little thing?!" But you have to stop and think about that. A grandma could utter such a sentiment without worry-- but we have not yet reached that honorable stage. (The stage where you can get away with a freakin' lot.) Heck, by Hollywood standards we could be the guy's cougar (the fact that we're both married having really no baring on the matter whatsoever-- remember we're talking Hollyweird here). See, we're "Tweeners"-- too young to stop noticing adorableness, but not old enough to verbalize it without getting into a bit-o-trouble.

Or how about this: clothes. What does a 30-something wear? Are we too old to wear a shirt with "Hollister" emblazoned across the chest? Certainly we're not old enough to start wearing knit vests with animals embroidered on them. Too old for the juniors section, not quite ready to head to misses.... What's a Tween (with a capital T!) to do? Are we doomed to be in clothing limbo for the next decade? I mean, when both my daughter and my mother are able to look in my closet and find pieces to their liking, you can imagine the crazy mish-mash that is my wardrobe.

What about the physical side of things? I'm still not too old to set some pretty ambitious goals. But I'm not young enough to actually achieve many of them. Know what I mean? Like, I could try to get back down to my high school size. I've got the energy and know-how to exercise and diet like a maniac. But I'm too old to actually care anymore. So I just sorta dabble in exercise. I'm faithful, but I'm not fanatical. (Besides, my knees crackle when I bend down-- that can't be good.) Frankly, I'd rather just read a book. Better yet-- I'd rather read while eating. Mmmmmm...food. See? My priorities are in conflict!

I think a little sympathy is in order for those of us in our 30s. We are considered "old" by teens and 20-somethings, but are still widdle babies by AARP standards. So throw us a bone, will ya? If we come over wearing our hair in pigtails, a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" in our hands, while discussing potty-training one minute and asking about the new downtown dancing hotspot the next-- just roll with it. We're in our Tweens, after all.