Friday, July 30, 2010

30: The New "Tween"

My older sister and I are both in our 30s. I love it! It is youth with experience; energy with maturity; a well-traveled road behind, and a long journey ahead. But there are also some awkward aspects that go along with being at such a crossroads. Sis and I were just discussing the whole dichotomy today....

Like, when you see that adorable 18-year old guy working the check stand at the store. Wearing a big goofy grin, what you want to say is, "well, aren't you just the cutest little thing?!" But you have to stop and think about that. A grandma could utter such a sentiment without worry-- but we have not yet reached that honorable stage. (The stage where you can get away with a freakin' lot.) Heck, by Hollywood standards we could be the guy's cougar (the fact that we're both married having really no baring on the matter whatsoever-- remember we're talking Hollyweird here). See, we're "Tweeners"-- too young to stop noticing adorableness, but not old enough to verbalize it without getting into a bit-o-trouble.

Or how about this: clothes. What does a 30-something wear? Are we too old to wear a shirt with "Hollister" emblazoned across the chest? Certainly we're not old enough to start wearing knit vests with animals embroidered on them. Too old for the juniors section, not quite ready to head to misses.... What's a Tween (with a capital T!) to do? Are we doomed to be in clothing limbo for the next decade? I mean, when both my daughter and my mother are able to look in my closet and find pieces to their liking, you can imagine the crazy mish-mash that is my wardrobe.

What about the physical side of things? I'm still not too old to set some pretty ambitious goals. But I'm not young enough to actually achieve many of them. Know what I mean? Like, I could try to get back down to my high school size. I've got the energy and know-how to exercise and diet like a maniac. But I'm too old to actually care anymore. So I just sorta dabble in exercise. I'm faithful, but I'm not fanatical. (Besides, my knees crackle when I bend down-- that can't be good.) Frankly, I'd rather just read a book. Better yet-- I'd rather read while eating. See? My priorities are in conflict!

I think a little sympathy is in order for those of us in our 30s. We are considered "old" by teens and 20-somethings, but are still widdle babies by AARP standards. So throw us a bone, will ya? If we come over wearing our hair in pigtails, a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" in our hands, while discussing potty-training one minute and asking about the new downtown dancing hotspot the next-- just roll with it. We're in our Tweens, after all.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Toothless Wonder

I thought some photographic proof of the tooth extraction service we offer might be in order. You can see in the photo how pleased the subject is with his results. Just look at that beautiful hole in his smile!

I haven't received any customer requests yet. What's wrong with you people? Do you have so few teeth you can't stand to lose a couple more?
Operators are standing by....

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Call For Your Free Trial!

We have invented a new method for tooth extraction over here and are looking for some customers who might be interested. In fact, the method is so effective-- the tooth doesn't even need to be loose before the procedure! I am so confident that we can remove your child's unneeded teeth that I'm willing to guarantee your full satisfaction-- or your money back! But, wait, there's more: not only can we remove your child's teeth (as many as you'd like), we will provide the ice and paper towels for the aftermath as well!

It works like this (and I'm speaking from experience here-- my kids tried it just this morning!): first, my daughter will distract your child by suggesting they play-fight. Then, when your son or daughter least expects it, Ruby will "accidentally" deliver a powerful right hook in the general vicinity of your kid's mouth. (While we cannot guarantee that the tooth you were hoping to remove will be the one that is hit-- we can assure you that we will keep trying until the job is done!) Anyway, one (or more) of your child's teeth will then be loosened and/or removed, after which we will quickly distribute the ice and paper towels to numb the area and soak up all of the ensuing blood and tears.

The only part we don't quite have figured out is how to not cut up Ruby's knuckles in the process. Teeth are sharp, see. Hmmmmm.... Brass knuckles! Now there's an idea!

Anyway, my kids are looking to earn a little extra money this summer, so give us a call if you want in on this gig. LM can attest to the effectiveness, and Ruby is more than happy to keep delivering walloping blows.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Latest....

LM has been in spectacular form lately. Especially when my aunt was in town for a visit last week. I try not to hover over LM too much, but I feel like I need to be on hand to explain in case he says anything not quite...appropriate. Like, for instance, when he told my aunt she didn't bring him the correct toys as a gift-- that next time she should bring something better. And then he gave her a detailed description of what exact type of toy he likes and where to buy it. Mortified, I took him into the other room to explain how rude this behavior was, and that he needed to go and thank my aunt right away for the wonderful toys she had brought him. "Thank you!" he said, as he bounded back into the room. He then dropped one of his favorite action figures into her lap. "They look like this," he whispered to her, covertly trying to get her to notice the type of toy he was expecting next time. Then he quickly scampered off. Aye, aye, aye.

1. Ruby Jane: (as she and her brother were vying for my best snuggle-worthy parts) "You can have her bottom as long as I can have her cookie dough belly!"

2. LM: (as his little friend was talking incessantly) "Stop jabbering off my ear! Can you play the quiet game?"

3. Ruby: (after having asked why our church denomination is called Foursquare) "Oh, I thought it was because they had foursquare courts in every classroom."
(On second thought....)

4. LM: (looking at a very beefy, rugged-looking man) "He could take you down, right Dad?"
Hubby: "...I guess...."

5. LM: "Mom, you should have given me a different name."
Me: (thinking uh-oh, here it comes-- the 'why didn't you just name me John?' conversation) "Why's that?"
LM: "It's just silly! It should be something like Megamind instead."
Me: "Ohhhhhh. Okay, Megamind."

6. LM: "Mom, did you know I'm 7?"
Me: "Yes, I did."
LM: "Well, actually I'm 7 and a half and a quarter and a penny."

7. LM: (who had rushed downstairs to change into his Megatron outfit the moment he heard his friend at the door).
Friend: "Hi, LM. Watcha doin'?"
LM: (lifting weights and acting as though her presence was a complete surprise) "Oh! Hi there, Auna! I'm just doing a little workout."
(Oh mylanta! He's already trying to "impress" girls! Help!)

The fun just never ends, does it?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Get'cher Quotes While They're Hot!

You'd think that during the summertime I'd have more blog material because the kids and hubby are home all the time. But you see, that's exactly the point. The kids and hubby are home all the time. Ah, but right now they're all downstairs reading together for their nightly bedtime ritual. This leaves me with a bit-o-time to catch up on the latest quotes.

1. LM: (to our friend wearing a very revealing top) "You should cover those up! Here, let me help you." (He then proceeds, much to her mortification, to try and close her jacket around her ample bosom.)

2. LM: (bemoaning the fact we're not rolling in dough) "Guys, we're gonna get new jobs. Okay-- Dad, you're going to be a rockstar. And Mom-- are you good at magic?"
Me: ""
(Dang, his plans for riches are foiled again!)

3. Friend: "Oh, hi Nona! You look older!"
Me: ""
(Seeing as I hadn't seen this person in at least 2 months, I can't blame her for noticing the considerable aging I had undergone since our last meeting.)

4. LM: (screaming his head off as he ran full speed to the front door, rescued spider in hand) "Don't bite me! Don't bite me! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
(Thankfully, both boy and spider made it outside alive. Although, personally, I would have just squashed the thing in the first place.)

5. LM: (after writing with pen on his sister's favorite shirt) "Mom, you can either kill me, or put me in timeout-- you choose."
(Hmmmm-- let me think about that.)

6. LM: (creating his own TV show in the mirror) "Dragons versus humans: Aghhhhh! Pewpewpew! I really wasn't hoping for this! Pschhchh! Arghhhh! I. Really. Was. Not. Hoping. For. This!"

7. LM: (singing at the top of his lungs) "My heart is warm when a friend comes over or my sister plays with me! My heart is warm! My heart is warm when my mom kisses me! Warm like the sun...!"
(Yikes. Just what I need; a Barry Manilow wannabe in my own house. Two words: lounge lizard.)

Have a splendid rest-of-the-week!

Friday, July 9, 2010

It's A Sign

While on vacation we spent a lot of time in the car. Like, 20-plus hours. Yeah, we weren't messing around. But a girl's got to entertain herself on such a long road trip. So when I wasn't answering the many calls of, "I'm hungry!" or "are we there yet?" or "I have to PEE!", I kept my eye out for interesting stuff on the road.

My main objective was to finish collecting license plates for our 50-state scavenger hunt. (Only 3 more states to go! Come on Rhode Island, show thyself!) But along the way I also noticed several signs with various errors or funny catchphrases. It wasn't until the end of our trip that I actually started to write them down, though-- and by then, alas, I was only able to collect two. But they strike my quirky funny-bone, so I figured I'd share them with you!

1. "Kinder enrollment now open."
This was a relief to see. I've never been a fan of "mean enrollment" at elementary schools. I hope this gentler method of enrolling children for school catches on everywhere!

2. "Welcome to Cloverdale, Oregon's best kept...."
I mean, this place is so secret they can't even say! Shhhhhhh-- don't tell anyone you heard it here!

Okay, maybe I'm the only one who was even remotely amused by these.... Ah well, there's no accounting for taste!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Viva La Villa

Am I allowed to say another man is smokin' hot as long as it's because he looks a lot like hubby? 'Cause if I am, then I gotta tell ya: David Villa is scrumdiddlyumptious! I just might have to root for Spain after all....