Monday, November 30, 2009

"Little Puff" My Butt!

Was anyone wondering where I've been lately? No? Hmmm, I was afraid of that....

Well, just so you know, I was actually trying to whittle my vast following of 7 people down to around 2 or so. I figured if I didn't post for a week or two then folks might stop reading altogether-- and that might provide me with a far more manageable fan base.

Actually, truth be told, there has been little going on around here worth blogging about. In fact, it wasn't until my eye appointment this afternoon (which was providing me with some mild amusement-- which tells you just how terribly UN-amusing the rest of my life has been lately) that I realized, "hey, I might finally have something to blog about here!" I mean, who doesn't find that little glaucoma test they do down at the eye doctor's just pure entertainment? There's something about sticking my chin on that cold plastic holder and pressing my forehead against the metal bar while waiting for that ominous "little puff of air" to blast my eye that makes me feel so...much like I'm in some sort of crazy-person therapy.

Or that fun little game that eye doctors like to play. You know, the "guessing game"-- where they provide you with two identical lenses through which to look at the eye chart and then make you choose which one is "better". Apparently I was awesome at this game because the doc kept saying "good" and "very good" every time I gave my answer. Guess I got 'em all right! Woohoo!

Anyway.... As you can see, I have very little to work with here. But with the holidays fast approaching, I trust I will be presented with a plethora of fine material. Until then, I hope both of you reading this will continue to stop by every now and then.

Monday, November 9, 2009

See For Yourself

I discovered LM with a black nose and Sharpie in hand the other day. When I asked him what the heck that was all about, I thought it'd be fun to record his answer.... (Ummm-- don't look at all the clutter in the background, okay?)

Now you have visual proof that I do not make up stuff for this blog....

Uh, by the way, does anyone know how to remove black Sharpie from human skin? We've managed to tone the color down to gray, but that just gives off the impression that someone punched him. Not good. Looking for some ideas here!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Sign Here, Please

My son was invited to his very first "real" birthday party today. He is beyond excited! Me? Well, I have some apprehension about it, actually. 'Cause, well, the invitation included a liability waiver. Yep, you read that right: a liability waiver. That's a first for me.

So, I'm kinda wondering-- what in the heck is that all about? I know there's gonna be a jumping castle, but sheesh, how many kids get mortally wounded by bouncing on something inflated with air? Dangerous stuff, that air....

Reminds me of what I notice while walking around his school. Basically there are a bunch of women whose job it is to repeat one phrase over and over: "no running!" Heaven forbid that kids should run! Especially outside where they might trip and fall in the grass. They might get a really nasty grass stain that is beyond the laundering ability of their mothers or something. I'm assuming they're allowed to run in P.E., because I just can't imagine what that class would be like otherwise.

"Johnny! You're walking a little too fast to the soccer ball there-- it's looking very similar to running if you ask me. Let's slow it down a little, okay?"

But back to the birthday party. I think I like the idea of this liability waiver stuff. In fact, I just might plan LM's next party at a firing range. I'll just include a fun liability waiver in there, arm each kiddo with a rifle, and let 'em have at it! Or maybe I'll drive the gang out to a remote wooded area and let 'em loose with a book of matches, a package of ramen, some rope and a tarp. See you tomorrow morning, kids! Nothing a little ol' liability waiver won't take care of!

Heck, let's not stop there! The next time I invite someone over for dinner, perhaps I'll include a liability waiver before we actually sit down to eat. "I will not hold Nona Yerbiznus responsible for any gastrointestinal distress this meal may cause me; whether that be in the form of vomit, diarrhea, constipation, gas, heartburn, nausea, or an act of God." (You always gotta include the "act of God" part to cover your fanny completely.) Maybe I'll even carry a liability waiver around with me for general social purposes. Before I begin a conversation with a friend I'll have them sign a paper that will not hold me liable for misinformation, questionable content, boring contributions or awkward silences.

Oh, yeah. I'm thinking that liability waivers could be the answer to a lot of my problems....

In the meantime, I have to RSVP to this party. I have to sign all responsibility of my son's well-being away and then send him off into the dangerous world of jumping castles. I can only pray that he won't hit his humongous head on any of the inflated surfaces. And for Pete's sake-- no running!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Whose Kid Is That?

I'm still trying to decide if I'm proud or embarrassed.... Proud, I think.

As I dropped LM off at school this morning, we spotted his little "nemesis" being escorted to class by her really super intimidating dad. (Towering with tattoos and piercings.) I've been hearing a lot about this little girl lately. Apparently she and LM share a mutual friend and Bully Girl doesn't want him to have anything to do with her. She'll even shout taunts at him on the playground and then try to run him off. Sometimes it's rough being a kid....

So LM stopped in his tracks at the sight of her, and I could practically see the wheels spinning in his head about what his next step of action would be. Being aware that LM has no filter on his mouth whatsoever, I leaned over and whispered, "LM, don't say anything to her right now, she's with her dad and it might hurt his feelings." Oh, LM, please, we don't want to hurt his feelings! But apparently this gave him an idea. He marched directly over to the girl and her father. Oh. No.

"I gotta talk to you about somefin," LM said, poking the man in the arm to get his attention. The man crouched down to be at eye level with LM. I braced myself. "Your daughter is kinda mean to me," he went on. I laughed nervously and was about to retrieve my boy and shuffle him off to his class, but the dad said, "oh?" clearly wanting to hear more. I braced myself again.

"Yeah, she teases me on the playground and says that I want Auna to be my girlfriend, and it makes me sad!" He then plastered a magnificent frown on his face that warned of impending tears. It was an incredibly heart-wrenching performance. I waited. The dad said, "well I'm going to talk to her about that!" and proceeded to have a mini-conference with his daughter right then and there. I could hear her small squeaky protests as he spoke firmly to her. LM just walked away and got in line for class, the whole thing already behind him.

I stared at him for a moment. The boy has no inhibitions whatsoever. And while this fact terrifies me in ways words can't describe, I also have to admire the little dude. Would I have the guts to do what he just did? Heck no! Anyone who knows me could tell you that. I would have written her a scathing anonymous letter-- take that! But I could learn a few things about boldness from LM. Maybe, just maybe, he'll start to rub off on me someday.