Monday, August 30, 2010

End Of Summer Quotes

Oh school, how I have missed thee! The way you take my children and keep them busy all day, and then return them to me in the afternoon exhausted-- and with homework. I'm so looking forward to our reunion, my friend! (Okay, I admit I'm gonna miss my li'l critters just a tiny bit. But I think I'll get used to the peace and quiet again real quick-- so don't worry a bit about me!)

Anyway, here are the quotes I've gathered lately. Even my mom and mother-in-law made it into the mix this time! Enjoy....

1. Mom: "I wish I didn't have such a big load in my back."
(FYI: she was talking about her "trunk" here-- like, the actual car kind. But I still giggled.)

2. Ruby: (while walking in our neighborhood) "Hey, maybe we'll encounter that funny dog."
(Yes, and when we do, we'll offer it a salutational wave! Geez, when did we start feeling the need to utilize such formal language?)

3. M-i-L: (asking about Ruby's upcoming doctor appointment) "So, I guess they won't know anything until the autopsy results come back?"
(Hmmmmm. I believe the word we were looking for here was "biopsy".)

4. Hubby: (after hearing a suspiciously juicy noise) "Ruby, did you just fart?"
Ruby: "Smell the air and find out!"

5. LM: Do you just love being with my mom?"
LM's Friend: (tentatively) "Uhhhhh.... Kind...of. But I like being with my mom better."
(Well, hey, at least she knows where her loyalties lie.)

6. LM's Friend: "My grandma is going to be 90 today!"
Me: "Really?! Your dad's mom?!"
LM's Friend: "Yeah! Or she might be 84 or in her 40's. I can't really remember, but she's SO old!"
(Wait a minute....)

7. LM: "When I grow up I'm gonna be a robber. A good robber. A robber who kills other robbers who rob banks."
(That is just wrong on so many levels.)

8. LM: (after we'd praised his sister for her expert car washing skills-- a bit too much apparently) "But do you know who the best car washer is?"
Me: "Who?"
LM: "Jesus!"

9. Ruby: (accurately suspecting her brother of foul play) "LM! What did you just do?"
LM: "I did absolutely nothing!"
Ruby: "Oh yeah? Well the tone of your voice says you did absolutely something."
(Ahhh-- already a detective-- she'll make a great mom someday!)

10. LM: "You know how babies come out? They just cut a hole in the mom's tummy and reach in and pull the baby out."
Hubby: "That's not the only way they come out."
Me: (cringing at this conversation).
Hubby: "If I tell you the other way, you need to promise you won't discuss it with your friends."
LM: "Wait! I don't want to know!"
(Smart boy. Relieved mom. Disappointed dad.)

11. Ruby: (after watching a violent nature show) "Is that why you became a vegetarian?"
Me: "Not exactly. But I could show you other videos that would make you wanna be a vegetarian."
Ruby: "Why?"
Me: "Because of how the farm animals are treated. You might decide you don't want to support that system."
Ruby: (deadpan) "It's called dominion, Mom."
(Well touche!)

12. LM: "Ruby, you're the grossest sister ever. And you're beautiful."
(Makes sense, coming from a brother and all.)

Enjoy the end of summer, everyone!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Chicory. Chicory and Moroccan Sand, actually. Who would have thought that two such lovely sounding colors, when mixed, would produce what can only be described as emo hair. (Um...I was actually expecting something in the vicinity of brown.) Great. Just great. I'm a 32-year old mother of two who looks as though she might be harboring a secret teenage depression.

So, unless I can get this hair color to fade faster than an emo can say, "there is so much beauty in black despair!" I will have to just run with it. Perhaps my next post could be a poem about how much pain there is in the world. Or I could break out the ol' black eye liner and give my peepers a thorough go around. And next time you see me and ask, "how are you, Nona?" I could say something like, "Life is one long nightmare I can't wake up from!"

On second thought.... I'll just pretend that black is the new brown. Because, well...for a little while anyway, it is.

Monday, August 23, 2010


I am a twit. Er...a tweeter? A twitterer! Yes, that must be it. Anyway, I'm on Twitter now. Have been for a few weeks. This will come as a surprise to most of you who know how much I dislike Facebook. But it was actually my dad who (unwittingly) convinced me to join. It's like this; everything that makes me nervous about Facebook (farms, mafias, awkward "friendships" with people I haven't thought about for 20 years, etc.) is nonexistent on Twitter. And you only have 140 characters (not words, mind you) in which to express your thoughts. (Actually, that can be a bit of a bummer sometimes-- I'm not usually at a loss for words.)

But as wonderful as that all sounds, my twittering days are about over. I find that it's far too much like talking to myself. (And I can talk to myself without the help of a social networking site-- for Pete's sake, I blog!) You see, you gotta have a little something called followers. It's like the difference between speaking with a group of people, or talking to yourself while the group of people quietly ignores you. And perhaps the group ignores me because I have a very hard time being remotely serious. Every time I attempt to tweet something profound and spiritual, my mind automatically wanders to things like underwear and tripping-- or tripping on underwear. I suppose people are looking for more quality content to be stuffed into that tiny 140 character capacity than I have to offer.

Whatever the reason, I will finish out my 1-month Twitter experiment and then quietly recede back into real life-- where my "followers" find me charming, winsome and have to obey my every command. (That's the benefit of having children, you know.)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A Move To Remember

A couple words to describe the 4 day, 36-mile Glacier hike the men folk recently returned from: exhausting, draining, challenging.... And I'm not describing the men's experience, by the way. I'm talking about all of us ladies who had to stay home and care for the young'ns while they were gone. A description of a simple walk around the block with all four children will provide a suitable analogy to our entire 4 day experience, I believe.

First of all, just getting out the door had its own array of problems. From going on an all-out manhunt for lost shoes and then forcing a reluctant walker out the door, to explaining to the tween in the group that the reason she didn't get to take ice cream along (like the other 3 children) was that she chose pie earlier instead. (Sometimes basic logic that, on the surface, seems abundantly clear is easily corrupted in the complex brains of adolescent first-born girls-- I won't name any names specifically.) But eventually we all got outside-- which, in my humble opinion, is the best place to start a walk.

Once outside, we began to move. Now, please don't mistake the verb "move" for "walk". We were doing no such thing. In fact, I'm not sure what exactly we were doing, but it closely resembled some sort of interpretive dance. There were children romping around all over the place, and trying to get them to form a cohesive walking unit was like trying to organize a litter of kittens. (Ever tried to herd cats? There's a reason you never hear stories of lonely shepherd boys with their flock of felines.) But eventually we were able to guide the movement in one general direction.

Of course, the minute the children saw a big excavator (I can't believe I just spelled that right on the first try-- yay me!) moving earth a block away, they made a beeline right for it. And on the way, Mister managed to drool most of his fudgesicle down the front of his naked belly (my sister had wisely stripped him for such an eventuality). Ah, but I haven't adequately described the fudgesicle carnage here. Ever seen horror movie covers at the video store? You know, the kind where blood is dripping rivulets down the body of some hapless victim? (Now there's something for you to dream about tonight!) Well, Mister looked remarkably like a character from one of those movies. It was almost embarrassing to be within 20-feet of him, actually. That, and the fact that he played in whatever dirt he could manage to escape into when his mother lost hold of him-- well, let's just say that mess doesn't even begin to describe it.

When the children's excavator curiosity was adequately satiated, we once again began our slight "movement" down the street. We'd lose a kid here or there in a construction site (one of the many in my parents' neighborhood), have to manage my very obnoxious dog (who feels as though the mere sight of another animal is cause for foaming at the mouth), console crying children (I can't even remember about what) and sometimes have to stop to admire somebody's lawnmower (don't ask). But eventually we made it around one entire block! It was a feat to be admired-- and it only took about a half hour! Not even joking. Wish I was, but I'm not.

So, who was more worn out after their 4 day excursion? I think it might be a toss-up.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

I'm so glad I wasn't there for this one.... Hubby came home the other day and told me that he'd run into a former student's dad. This particular gentleman has been blessed with a generous portion of upper teeth-- and apparently LM noticed. So, naturally, LM asked the man if he was perchance a woodchuck. Oh, boy.... And if that wasn't bad enough, he proceeded to wonder aloud if the man had the ability to gnaw through wood. Ah, but there's more! LM then produced a fine piece of bark for the man to attempt his woodchucking skills on. I wondered how hubby had allowed it to get that far. Usually you can see LM's wheels spinning before he actually takes off, but hubby must have been too flabbergasted to stop the momentum that was clearly in full force. I can only hope that this man's sense of humor and graciousness are as large as his teeth.

Well, that one will make the following quotes seem quite tame, I'll bet.

1. LM: (on our way to the lake) "Getting to the lake is a piece of cake!"
Hubby: "Well, sometimes it's not...."
LM: "Yeah-- if you're a dunderhead!"

2. LM: (crying) "Mommy, Daddy's forcing me to eat pancakes-- and he won't let me eat nothin' else! That's no way to treat a kid!"
(Somebody call CPS!)

3. LM: (running into the bathroom before I could cover myself up after showering) "Mom, you look like an old Transformer grandpa."
(Sheesh, not even a grandma??)

4. LM: (talking to Ruby) "If you don't kiss Mom, she'll hit you a lot."
Me: "What?!"
(FYI: hitting is reserved for when the kids annoy me, not when they don't kiss me.)

5. Ruby: "How come in soap operas there's only 2 people and they stay in one room and argue for 2 hours?"
Hubby: "Where have you been watching soap operas?!"
Ruby: "Well, I don't.... But Grandpa does-- and I couldn't help but see a little bit."
(Hmmmm-- she has a point.... And just to clarify, she wasn't talking about my dad.)

6. LM: (sitting down to our dinner of pizza and buffalo wings) "Hey, this is just like a tea party!"
(Sure, maybe a "man tea party" or something.)

7. LM: (looking up into my nose) "Mom, did you know you have a hairy snout?"
(Well, it's better than being accused of having woodchuck teeth, I suppose.)

8. LM: (proclaiming loudly after having used a public bathroom) "I'm never going in there again! It's smells like rotten bacon and eggs-- I think I'm gonna throw-up!"
(Tell me how you really feel, LM.)

So, can I just reiterate that you speak to my son at your own risk?

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sister, Sister

Ummmm.... So, if you see a suspicious looking photograph of my little sister and me on Facebook in the near future-- allow me to do some pre-damage control. (I have a feeling my brother-in-law is going to doctor it up with a bit of photoshopping. He's hilarious, that one.)


First: it's chocolate.
Second: she couldn't reach it, so I had to.
Third: we're sisters, so I'm allowed.
Fourth: yes-- afterward we laughed until we cried.

Besides, I've had a bit of practice wiping her butt over the years (albeit without jeans on usually)-- she's almost 10 years younger than I am, after all. So I was a natural choice to get the job done!

There, hope that's all clear now. Er, and if the photo never surfaces, then just forget I said anything at all.... Nothing happened.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Hole-y Quotes

It's late, my feet are killing me (ah-- so that's what happens when you stand on them all day!) and I want nothing more than to stare at the back of my eyelids for the next 10 hours or so. But wouldn't you know the quotes are starting to stack up? So I need to unload a few to make room for the next batch-- I'll sleep better. You'll notice that LM has been waxing theological lately and, um...don't judge me....

1. LM: "Mom, there's two different kinds of frees. The number free, and the free that doesn't cost anything."
(Um...I guess it's time to work on that tricky "th" sound again.)

2. LM: (after I'd told him I would buy him a treat if he went to the grocery store with me) "Mom, I just hate food. If it's a toy, then yes. If it's a toy AND food, then it's absolutely yes."
(I ended up at the store alone.)

3. LM: "Mom, I'm Jesus' son."
Me: "You'r--"
LM: "That means I'm a god!"
Me: ""
(Just nipping that potential future cult in the bud right away, folks.)

4. LM: (after posing a question he wanted a certain answer to) "Let's hear it from the boss of this whole place-- which is Mom."
(Well, at least he's got that right!)

5. Me: (handing Ruby a new brand of shower cleaner) "Wait a minute, let's read the directions first."
Ruby: (grabbing the bottle) "We don't need the directions! We're Americans!"

6. The Bopper: "I just wanna do it by myself-- like a big lady!"
(Amazing how just inserting the word "lady" in place of "girl" changes the whole connotation!)

7. Ruby: "Dad, could you do some stomach exercises, shave your chest, and get a tan?"
(Hmmmmm.... Somebody's been watching too much TV.)

8. LM: (after watching me make a move in a game which gave him an advantage) "Mom, you were dumb there for a second, weren't you?"
(For the record, I was letting him win.)

9. LM: (sneaking out of bed after being told to stay put) "Uh-huh! Mom, I'm good! I snuck past Daddy like a Ninja!"

10. LM: "Mom, can I watch TV?"
Me: "Did you finish your reading with Dad?"
LM: "Yeah, I read The Two Bobby Brothers."
Hubby: "You mean The Bobbsey Twins."
LM: "Oh...yeah."
(Yeah-- clearly the reading comprehension is still a bit lacking.)

11. Me: (at 6:00 in the morning) "C'mere buddy, sit on my lap!"
LM: (barely awake) "I'd rather sit in a purse and cry all day."
(Huh? Clearly he hadn't had his morning coffee yet.)

12. LM: "That little boy took something away from me and he was rude! When I get to Heaven, I'm gonna punish him!"

13. LM: "God knows all our secrets-- but I know one of his secrets. You know how he heals everyone? He uses potions! And miracles...."
(My, my-- that is a juicy secret, eh?)

Goodnight all!

Sunday, August 1, 2010


Sometimes I worry people might read this blog and find me a bit irreverent. But I want to assure everyone that nothing could be further from the truth. I absolutely love reverends! I would not be who I am today without the active involvement of many reverends in my life.

Phew-- I am so relieved to to have cleared that up!