Friday, January 29, 2010

I'll Remember Next Time, I Swear!

Am I the only one who has a whole slew of those reusable grocery bags at home, but still manages to forget to use them almost every time I go to the store? And then, of course, I feel compelled to explain this to the checker-- who couldn't care less.

It's not easy being green....

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Return Of Starscream

Okay, so this video is at least a month old. I've been avoiding posting it for two reasons: my pride dictates that I should not post any images or videos in which I look like a big dork, and second of all, the clip is over a minute long. In this microwave world, who wants to sit and watch a video clip of someone's kid for over a minute?

But I came across it again today and it amused me. I figured, heck, why not post it? So just ignore the big geek in the background and focus on the little geek doing most of the talking.

This is the return of Starscream. (Sans black nose, thank goodness!)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Monsters! Little Stinking Beasts!

Let this be a lesson to all: be kind to everyone, for you never know if the person you have just offended has a blog. Wahahaaaaahaaaaa! (Yikes, sometimes those evil laughs just slip out!)

Every morning as I drop LM off at school, I wait until his teacher has let all the students in before I leave. I'm usually the only parent who does this.... But, then again, I'm the only parent whose son might just wander off to the playground and forget all about school. Heck, he may even try and catch a ride home with someone just to avoid having to do his math facts that day. I just hope that by the time he's in high school this little ritual will no longer be necessary....

Yet, being that I wait outside the class every morning, I get a front-row seat to lots of first-grader action. And many times I leave chuckling and shaking my head in amusement. First-graders, after all, are nearly as entertaining as Kindergarteners.

But not this morning.... This morning they were brats! And I will admit, without shame, that as long as they are not being brats toward my son, I usually don't say much. For my son's sake, I try to be as invisible as possible. But this morning, ah...this morning the fangs came out!

It started with three little, I mean boys teasing LM as he spoke to a little girl. You know the timeless taunt-- "LM and Maya sittin' in a tree...." The best part was, they spelled kissing wrong. But you'll be glad to know I did not stoop so low as to point this out. I allowed a round or two of this because LM and his friend seemed content to simply ignore the boys and continue their amiable chatter. It wasn't until the little girl expressed discomfort at the teasing and the boys redoubled their efforts that I stepped in with a gentle, "now boys, that's not very nice, is it?" They stopped, and I once again disappeared into the background.

But I could see that one little boy (a boy who probably picks up cats by their tails) did not appreciate my interference. He began to physically torment another child while keeping one eye on me. I squinted at him a little as the child begged him to stop. But he didn't stop-- he smiled. Are you psycho?? I wanted to ask, exasperated. Needless to say, I was thoroughly disgusted and had to control my anger as I firmly said, "Noah, do you need to go to the end of the line?" He was not, however, phased by my threat in the least and responded, "You're not the teacher!" Gauntlet thrown-- challenge accepted!!

"You're right, I'm not the teacher, but I can make you do what you need to do. I'm an adult and you need to respect adults." Not my most eloquent speech ever, but it got him thinking nonetheless. I could tell he still wasn't quite convinced, however, so I added, "I think I'll go ahead and tell your teacher what you've been up to this morning." Ah, mission accomplished. He fell silently back into line and glared at me. As the teacher opened the door to let her little cherubs in, snot-head filed past me and said, "aren't you going to leave now?" I smiled sweetly at him and replied, "no, I think I'll wait a minute until you've all gone inside."

Then, I told on him. I know-- adults aren't supposed to tattle! But it felt AWESOME! I hope he goes home and tells his parents, actually. They're just as snotty as he is.

I volunteer every week in LM's classroom, thus I'm getting to know all these critters pretty well. And I will make sure to be extra sweet to wee Noah next time I'm in. After all, doesn't the saying go, "keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer"? Noah, my love, you and I are going to be good buddies, I just know it. Wahahhaahhaaaaahaaaa!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Quoting Some Quotes

Go ahead and roll your eyes, but along with the quotes I'm including a little joke I made up on the fly at Christmastime. I mean, yeah, I'm tooting my own horn here-- but what you don't understand is that I don't normally come up with funny quips until about 24-hours after the opportunity is already gone. So allow me to just celebrate my moment of victory, please. They are so few and far between....

1. Ruby Jane: "Are Saturn and Jupiter gaseous planets?"
Hubby: "I can't remember which planets are made of gas."
Me: "I think the gassiest one is Uranus."

2. (LM: playing "Littlest Pet Shop" with a female friend-- boy style-- complete with growling and attacking.)
Friend: (getting weary of having the cute little figurines fight death matches) "No! Nobody else gets hurt!"
LM: (genuinely bewildered) "You mean-- nobody dies??"

3. LM: (cheerily to a frozen dinner roll) "Alright, my friend, let's put you in the microwave for a bit!"

4. LM: "Satan, you're dead! I'm workin' for Jesus!"
(Preach it, brutha!)

5. LM: "Whoa, Sonia is staring at me!"
Me: "She's saying good morning!"
LM: (truly surprised and pleased by the thought) "Hey, she's never said that before!"

6. LM: "Hey, Mom?"
Me: "Yeah?"
LM: "You know school? It's not really my kind of sport."
Me: "O...kay."

Bonus: Our foreign exchange student is at it again! And for goodness sake, please nobody tell her I have a blog! If you even threaten me in jest I swear I will immediately remove all posts concerning the little darling whom I love with all my heart and soul and would never ever no never want to offend in any way ever because my love for her is so very deep and wide. (Did I cover myself well there? I thought the lack of punctuation was a nice touch. You?)

1. Brasileira: (after seeing the recipe I was making for dinner called "Mini Shepherd's Pies" she asked what a shepherd was. I explained.) "So, we're eating 'Mini Guys Who Take Care of Sheep Pies'?"
Me: Uhhhh...something like that."

2. Ruby Jane: (excited about a carnivorous plant she ordered) "Brasileira! I'm going to get a meat-eating plant!"
Brasileira: "What!? You're going to plant meat?!?"

Life is never dull, is it? Oh, but how I wish sometimes it were! Alas....

Friday, January 15, 2010

Couldn't Help Myself....

Yeah, I've caught "Pants on the Ground" fever along with the rest of the nation. I can't help it-- it's stuck in my head like nobody's business. But it got me thinking (after about the 100th time I'd sung it today), that there is a female equivalent to the shame of a guy's pants on the ground. And that is when a chick's panties are hanging out. So, if I may be so presumptuous, I'd like to coin a tune for the ladies:

Panties Hanging Out

Panties hangin' out, panties hangin' out,
Lookin' like a fool with your panties hangin' out!
G-string peepin', butt-crack showin',
Call yourself a lady,
Lookin' like a slut 'cause I can see your butt
With your panties hanging out!
Pull your pants up!
Or, tug your shirt down!
Lookin' like a fool--
Bending, leaning with your panties hangin' out!
Pull your pants up!
'Cause you know those guys ain't lookin' at your eyes.
Pull your pants up!

Ah, youth. If only they would all wear belts....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Sonia To The Rescue!

Many of you know that we are the proud parents of a fawn boxer named Carson (or Sonia, as LM prefers to call her). We adopted her from a shelter about four years ago and let's just say she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Or, is she...?

The other day there was a package of a dozen powdered sugar donuts sitting on the counter. I know what you're thinking: donuts?? Nona buys donuts?? No, she doesn't. I mean, sure, I love a good donut-- but let's face it-- they're of the devil. You could not pick a more vile food on earth. Bleached, processed, simple carbs, fried in trans fats then coated in more bleached, processed, simple carbs. Yikes. Delicious? Heck yes-- but yikes. Donuts are pure, unadulterated nutritional evil. And my neighbor just loves to bless us with them about once a week. (Does she adore us or despise us? I'm not sure....)

So what does the dog have to do with donuts? I think you already know where I'm going with this. Fat-head ate the entire package while I was running an errand. All 12. Down her belly. In a matter of minutes. One donut should be enough to make a dog sick-- but my genius downed a dozen of those bad boys. Side effects? Oh yes. It started with farting. If she got up, she farted. If she lied down, she farted. If she stretched, she farted. Even LM stopped giggling after a while. (He usually has an endless comical appreciation of gas.) Then came the dry heaves. At least, I think they were all dry.... We've found no "evidence" to the contrary. (Oh, Lord, please spare me from such a discovery!) Of course, she spent a lot of time in her bed for a while as well. (Recovering, no doubt.) But you know what I wasn't expecting? The sugar high. I mean, I can't say for sure that's what it was-- but we all noticed it nonetheless. Carson was...(there's no other way to describe it) hyper. Bouncing off the wall crazy. It was incredibly annoying. But finally, today, she has settled down. (I hear her hacking every now and then, but otherwise she seems fine. At least she's stopped tearing through the house in pursuit of phantom prey.)

The sad thing is, I'll bet no lesson has been learned here. (Well, except the one I learned-- which is to keep temptation on a higher shelf). Carson would eat another dozen donuts in a heartbeat, I have no doubt. But I guess I should thank her, really. If she hadn't sacrificed herself for us, we might have been the ones to eat those donuts. And that is a very scary thought.

So thank you, Sonia. Your unspeakable act of love has not gone unnoticed. Truly you are a gift to us.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2010 Already?

New Year's resolutions: to do, or not to do-- that is the question. I know, I know-- we're already well into the first week of 2010 and if I haven't already landed on a set of resolutions perhaps I should just forget about the whole thing.... Hey, wait a minute-- I love that idea! And really, it just came to me-- this is no premeditated post. I am switching directions midstream and you are all along for the ride. Let's see where this goes, shall we?

No resolutions.... Lovin' that thought-- what a novel idea!

One year I resolved to not eat chocolate. It sucked. I was a wench the whole year. (You ladies know what I'm talking about?) One year I resolved to go without pop. That was really a sort of pansy goal, however, since I've never been a big soda drinker. (Talk about easy.) One year I resolved to start running-- and I never stopped-- although I never quite achieved that marathoner's body I was dreaming of (I think you actually have to run marathons to get one of those. Uh, no thanks). One year I decided to read one book a week, and actually read more than that. (Go ahead, you can say it: DORK!) But this year? Losing weight, eating right, exercising more.... None of those sound like any fun to me. Why do resolutions always have to be such...bummers?

So let's think of some fun resolutions instead! I mean, hey, life's short. (Do you see what happens when I don't rehearse a post in my head first? Already I've gone from touting "no resolutions" to brainstorming ideas for "fun resolutions" instead. There's no stopping me now, though! Heck, maybe I'll even throw caution to the wind and forgo proofreading this train-wreck altogether before posting. Crazy!)

How about these:
1. Eat more trans-fats. Sure, they kill you-- but we're all going to die someday anyway. And let's face it, trans-fats taste awesome.
2. Spend more money. I have a credit card. I've never once run up a debt on it. But 2010 is a year for new experiences! Who's with me? Come on everybody, let's say it together: European vacation!
3. Pinch more butts. I tend to stick with familiar family booty, but maybe this will be the year I branch out into far more riskier territory: stranger booty. Which brings me to:
4. Spend a day in jail. Never done it. Might be fun. They have cable there and an exercise room as well as three square meals a day. Am I wrong, or did I just describe a hotel??
5. Change my name. What girl hasn't dreamed of owning a moniker like Princess Cordelia Penelope Sweetloveything? Ah, yes-- this year it can be yours!
6. Buy a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey? (Oh, if only I had a million dollars....) Speaking of which....
7. Play the lotto more often. Spending a few bucks to get a few million bucks sounds like the world's greatest financial move to me, folks. This may be my year!
8. Make-out more often. Because...heck, it's freakin' fun. Do you actually need a good reason for that one?
9. Become a superhero. Let's see.... I'd like to be called Super Mega Ultra Lightning Babe (thanks for the idea, Frozone). And if pitted in an epic battle against Storm of the X-Men, I think it's clear by name alone who'd win that one, people.
10. Make every weekend a 3-day weekend. (Why hasn't anyone thought of that before? I'm a genius!)

On second thought-- I think I'll just stick with "no resolutions" this year.