Quoting Some Quotes

Go ahead and roll your eyes, but along with the quotes I'm including a little joke I made up on the fly at Christmastime. I mean, yeah, I'm tooting my own horn here-- but what you don't understand is that I don't normally come up with funny quips until about 24-hours after the opportunity is already gone. So allow me to just celebrate my moment of victory, please. They are so few and far between....

1. Ruby Jane: "Are Saturn and Jupiter gaseous planets?"

Hubby: "I can't remember which planets are made of gas."

Me: "I think the gassiest one is Uranus."

2. (LM: playing "Littlest Pet Shop" with a female friend-- boy style-- complete with growling and attacking.)

Friend: (getting weary of having the cute little figurines fight death matches) "No! Nobody else gets hurt!"

LM: (genuinely bewildered) "You mean-- nobody dies??"

3. LM: (cheerily to a frozen dinner roll) "Alright, my friend, let's put you in the microwave for a bit!"

4. LM: "Satan, you're dead! I'm workin' for Jesus!"

(Preach it, brutha!)

5. LM: "Whoa, Sonia is staring at me!"

Me: "She's saying good morning!"

LM: (truly surprised and pleased by the thought) "Hey, she's never said that before!"

6. LM: "Hey, Mom?"

Me: "Yeah?"

LM: "You know school? It's not really my kind of sport."

Me: "O...kay."

Bonus: Our foreign exchange student is at it again! And for goodness sake, please nobody tell her I have a blog! If you even threaten me in jest I swear I will immediately remove all posts concerning the little darling whom I love with all my heart and soul and would never ever no never want to offend in any way ever because my love for her is so very deep and wide. (Did I cover myself well there? I thought the lack of punctuation was a nice touch. You?)

1. Brasileira: (after seeing the recipe I was making for dinner called "Mini Shepherd's Pies" she asked what a shepherd was. I explained.) "So, we're eating 'Mini Guys Who Take Care of Sheep Pies'?"

Me: Uhhhh...something like that."

2. Ruby Jane: (excited about a carnivorous plant she ordered) "Brasileira! I'm going to get a meat-eating plant!"

Brasileira: "What!? You're going to plant meat?!?"

Life is never dull, is it? Oh, but how I wish sometimes it were! Alas....

100th Post!

I wish I'd remembered to jot down a few of the doozy quotes our exchange student has uttered over the past few weeks-- but alas, I have none to share. She and I did have a lovely conversation in Portuguese the other day, however.

It went a little something like this (translated):

Me: "Hi! That's hot! Window, dog, binder."

Her: "Green bean."

Me: "Yes. Brazilian. Thank you."

Her: "Vacation."

Not bad for a rookie, eh? At least it sounded impressive to those around us with no Portuguese language ability whatsoever-- which was the whole point of the conversation.

Anyway, moving on to the quotes I have prepared for your reading pleasure!

1. LM: "Feed me, Woman!"

(And, no, he didn't learn that one from his daddy. At least, I don't think so....)

2. LM: (singing the Transformers theme song) "Transformers, more that meets de eye! Transformers, robots in da skies! Transformers, win every million times!"

3. LM: (aiming his toy gun at Ruby's head)

Me: "Don't aim at her head."

LM: (aiming at Ruby's chest)

Me: "Don't aim at her heart, either."

LM: (running out of good places to aim) "Can I aim at her vagina?"

Me: (finally just taking the gun away) "Um...no."

4. The Bopper: (overwhelmed by the immensity of her clean-up task) "Mom, I'm just gonna ask Jesus to help me!"

Her Mother: (exasperated by how long it was taking The Bopper) "Yeah, Bopper, whatever. Try that."

The Bopper: (5 minutes later) "Mom, Jesus not comin'!"

5. LM: "Have you seen Voltron?" (action cartoon from the 80s-- one of hubby's favorites)

Friend: "No."

LM: "It has 5 tigers and is about Jesus."

(Hmmmmmmmm.... I'd like to know how he came up with that.)

6. LM: (after hearing me let a little tootaloo slip) "Hey, you tricked us-- you can fart!"

(Darn, I'm discovered!)

Bonus:

7. LM: (singing a favorite Latino Christmas tune-- see if you can figure out which one) "Elise muddy dust! Elise muddy dust! Elise muddy dust, phmms anhns eh fessd. Elise muddy dust! Elise muddy dust...!"

Long Time No Quotes

It's been a while since I've posted quotes and believe me, it's not for a lack of good material. I just haven't been writing them down with the same regularity as I used to-- but I'm hoping to get back on top of things again. In any case, here are the latest:

1. LM: "Are you so excited for Christmas? I can't wait for the presents!"

Ruby Jane: (superiorly) "LM, Christmas isn't about the presents."

LM: "What is it about?" (Then with some disappointment) "Oh, yeah...Jesus."

2. Me: "What would you do if Mama was ever late picking you up from school?"

LM: "Go home with someone else."

Me: "What?!? No!!"

LM: "Oh...stay with my teacher."

(That's one I'm going to need to address again, I can tell.)

3. Anonymous Dad: (exasperated while watching his son...get creative...on the playground) "Why would you stick a rock up your butt?"

4. Ruby Jane: "Hey Popi, can I inherit your phone?"

Popi: "But I'd have to die first!"

Ruby: "Okay!"

5. (After being treated to pizza by our exchange student we thanked her for a good time had by all.)

Brasileira: "I'm going to bring peace to the world."

Me: "One pizza at a time?"

Brasileira: "...and with my dad's credit card."

(I could bring a lot of peace to a lot of people with my dad's credit card, too. Okay...mainly just to myself, but that's worth something, right? Let's try it, Dad!)

6. LM: "Mom, will you help me clean my room? 'Cause this is too much mess for one little boy to clean up, right?"

(Definitely.)

Sorry, Susie Doesn't Live Here

Some of you have been wondering how my Susie Homemaker Project is going.

Susie who? What are you people talking about?

Okay.... I admit, I've been a bit derailed by the arrival of our exchange student. But in some areas her presence has motivated some very housewifey behavior. Cleaning has been given a boost. (Although I've already warned her not to expect too much in this area.) And I've been an ace with laundry, too! Since I have one more person's dirty clothes to wash I have to be that much more on top of it. Oh, are you surprised that I'm doing her laundry? Um, well, I am too! (And, yes, "sucker" is written on my forehead in permanent marker. It's a long story and not very amusing at that.)

The amorous side of the equation has suffered a bit, I confess. You see, when there is a veritable stranger sleeping in the room next to you it sort of...squelches the love-- know what I mean? Not for hubby, of course. (Nothing seems to phase him.) But I guess when I'm constantly hissing "shhhhhhhhh!" every time he so much as smooches me...well, it's sort of a mood killer. Poor, poor hubby.... But don't waste too much of your precious sympathy on him, because for what I've lacked in affectionate attention I've more than made up for with belly-satisfying food. And you know the way to a man's heart is really through his stomach, right? (Who made up that fluffy crock-of-poo anyway? We all know what men really want, and their stomach has nothing to do with it.) But my point is that hubby's been getting some good dinners when he gets home, and that's all I have to say about that!

And do you think I've organized any papers? Oh, I've made some attempts-- yes I have. But the funny thing about paper is that it reproduces like rabbits. Every day I get more! It's worse than laundry in terms of multiplying itself. My sister, God bless her, has tried to whip me into shape in the past, but I'm beginning to think I'm a hopeless cause. Someday I will drown in a sea of paper piles, I just know it!

But I still have about a week to finish strong. A week to make hubby stand up and take notice! I've got to redouble my efforts-- so wish me luck! (I'm gonna need it.)

Be Careful What You Wish For

Okay, when I said I needed to invite a guest over in order to kick my booty into cleaning gear, I wasn't at all expecting the answer I got to that little "prayer".

How's a foreign exchange student sound? Oh, yeah-- not joking. It was rather a surprise to me, too. A bit more on the spontaneous side than I'm used to! And not only that, but how about a foreign exchange student from one of the cleanest cultures on earth? Perhaps most people would not assume that Brazilians are so pristine a people, but I happen to know a bit about Brazilians. They're scrupulously clean. It's a bit ridiculous, actually.

So, I'd just like to take a moment to thank the Lord for his funny little sense of humor. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very amusing. I'm laughing all the way to the cleaning cabinet.

And since our delightful guest will be moving in the day after tomorrow, you'd better believe I will be spending every waking hour until then scouring my filthy house.

Kick in the patooshky? Ummm...yes. Just a bit.

So, ready or not-- here we go!