Saturday, May 29, 2010

Short, But Sweet!

Oh, Xami, we only knew you for a few moments (long enough for the kids to name you), but you were loved!

Here is a photo of my pops with the darling little stinker my mom found running around loose on a busy street. (Those on the email list should check out to view her.) She's a 6-month old boxer-- and a naughty one at that! Thankfully her people have been found, because I'm not sure if we could have resisted keeping this one. And that would have been a very, very bad idea.

Instead, we're stuck with this ugly old mug:

All's well that ends well!

Friday, May 28, 2010

My Kids, Corrupting Yours


When I picked LM up from school today his teacher pulled me aside for a little chat. We haven't had one of those in a while, so I was curious about what could be wrong.

"LM, tell your mother why you had to miss recess today," she said, looking disapprovingly at my son. Bracing myself for something unpleasant, I was caught off guard when he mumbled, "I peed on the pass with Micah." I wasn't even sure what that meant. But apparently pee was involved somehow-- and pee is hilarious. I had to turn my head away quickly so I could hide my amused expression. This caused LM's teacher to have to cover her goofy grin as well. Great, just great. Here we're supposed to be chastising this kid and instead we're having to fight our laughter while we desperately try and pull ourselves together. What a team!

I got control of myself and turned to look at LM once again, who hadn't noticed my delight in the situation at all and was still remorsefully hanging his head. (Phew!)

"LM..." What do I say now? I thought. How does one address a situation that has no precedent and likely no future either? "LM, that is really gross! We only pee in toilets! Not on passes!" I realized how ridiculous I was sounding. This caused another fit of hysterics to wash over his teacher and me. Quickly we hid our faces again. She must really be impressed with my parenting skills.

Somehow we managed to get through it and exact a promise from LM to be more responsible with his body fluids, and I headed out to pick up Ruby Jane.

When I retrieved Ruby from her school she started in on a story about a classmate who had uttered an exclamation today that sounded suspiciously like a 4-letter word.

"Thad, did you just say s-h-i-t??!" Ruby asked him, in shock. But apparently our little Thad has less knowledge of such foul language than Ruby, and proceeded to ask her what s-h-i-t was. He wanted to know if it was related to the word "shift" at all. Well, the teacher heard him say "shift" and mistook it for the aforementioned naughty word, and rebuked him heartily for it. So, not only did Ruby teach this innocent young soul a wonderful new vocab word, she also got him in trouble for not saying it. Way to go, hon! Well done. Well done.

I'd say my two little cherubs put in a full day's work today! Peeing on inappropriate objects and defiling pure minds. Thus proving what I already suspected to be true: I am one awesome mom!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

You Know You're Raising A Pre-Teen Girl When....

You know you're raising a hormonal pre-teen girl when the night begins with tears (because she was utterly distraught over the dress code for her school concert-- meaning jeans and t-shirts were not allowed) and ends with baking a cake and snuggling on the couch (because she missed the concert due to the extent of her earlier meltdown and we just had to redeem the night somehow).

Oh, mylanta! Help!

Did I Ever Tell You About The Time....

I drove across town today to have lunch with my father-in-law at his retirement community. He just moved in a couple weeks ago and I've been hearing all the rave reviews since. What I didn't know was that I wouldn't be sharing a cozy little table for two with the lad. Instead, I got to experience lunch at a table with a group of older gentlemen. Chalk that one up as a new experience for me! I was getting the major stare-down from all the little old ladies in the room. They either thought I was "darling" (as I heard one woman exclaim when I walked in), or-- and I think this explanation more likely-- they were irritated I was sitting at one of the only gentlemen's tables where the men weren't in motorized chairs or using walkers and canes. I think that made these men what constituted as "hotties" at the retirement center. Sorry, ladies-- they were all mine today!

I think the most memorable part of the afternoon was when the old guys started literally pointing out all of the fattest residents of the home and then animatedly pantomimed their various shapes. Amazingly, nobody seemed to notice! The reduced ability to see and hear amongst many of the residents was an obvious advantage for this group of characters. That, and I think inhibitions are drastically reduced with every year past 60 you reach-- and these guys were well past that age. (Ask my little sister about her tales from the assisted living center she worked at. Now those folks had some fun!)

But you know why I will be back for lunch again soon? Aside from all the antics, there is no one on earth more interesting to converse with than an over-60. I mean, these guys were flying planes in World War II and paying 15 cents for a burger and milkshake at a place called "The Shack". Heck, they lived through the depression! Needless to say, I did my best to keep them talking.

Now if only I could get in good with a few of the ladies....

Monday, May 24, 2010


I don't know what's worse: that my daughter's new favorite way to express exasperation is to say "seriously?" or the fact she learned that little gem from me..... All I have to say is, whatever!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Muchas Quotas

It's Sunday. Everyone is hard at work. Hubby is weed-whacking, Ruby's doing chores, LM is...running wild in the front yard (which is, arguably, an important job for a little boy). So while it may appear that I am the only one loafing around, I beg to differ. Do you think these quotes post themselves? No. No they do not. So enjoy the fruits of my labor:

1. LM: "Mommy, how old are you?"
Me: "You know the answer-- how old am I?"
LM: "32?"
Me: "Yes!"
LM: "Oh. I was about to say 100."
(What a charmer, that LM.)

2. Me: "Good luck on your book report presentation, Ruby!"
Ruby: (in her dramatic goody-goody daughter voice) "Why thank you, Mother! And good luck with your cooking today!"

3. LM: "Mom, for Mother's Day I'm going to give you a thousand kisses and a massage!"
Me: "Oh-- I can't wait!!"
LM: (looking gravely at me) "So, what are you going to do for me?"
(How about GIVE YOU LIFE? How's that for a trade, boy?)

4. Ruby Jane: (watching me peruse my friend Bethany's blog) "Why can't you make your blog cool like hers?"
(Where to start....)

5. Me: (watching in dismay as LM rolled around with the dog before school) "Ugh! LM, you're covered in dog hair!"
LM: "Yeah-- isn't it great!?"

6. LM: "Mom, in Heaven do you not have to go poop?"
Me: "Ummmmmm. I don't know...."
(Anyone have an answer for that? Since I'm pretty sure we'll eat, I'm wondering where that's all going to go....)

7. LM: (speaking to hubby while getting ready to head out the door) "Apparently I need shoes. Where are my shoes, human?"

8. LM: (to the neighbor boy while giggling his head off) "I tried my mom's bra on today!"
(TMI, buddy. T-M-I.)

9. LM: "Mom, see all those trees? If we pull them up, our planet will be naked!"
(Wow-- at only 7-years old he gets it!)

10. Me: "LM, get your socks on."
LM: (in the midst of a dinosaur battle) "Hang on, Mom. Just let me finish this dinosaur off first."
(Alright-- but the minute he's dead run and get your socks!)

Well-- I'd better start on a load of laundry before I get caught with this computer on my lap. Look busy-- look busy!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Imagination Inflation

Apparently congratulations are in order. I found out the other day that I have a daughter I never knew existed. (I'm thinking a paternity test is in order.) Her name is Logan, but I'm not sure how old the little darling is. Such an odd feeling finding out about a child you don't remember birthing.... So surreal!

Of course, the lost memories could be due to the fact that Logan is an imaginary child, so I've never actually seen her. But Ruby Jane and LM insist she's there, and since they're much too old to be inventing fake imaginary friends, I have no other choice but to believe that Logan is a real imaginary friend. (Look at me creating new oxymorons!)

Okay, let's just be honest here. It's a big pain in the patooshky to go along with this ruse. Ruby insists that I feed Logan, take her to school, make room for her on the couch.... Sheesh! I try. I really do! But every time I set out a plate of imaginary food for the child, Ruby gives me the "Mom, I'm disappointed in you. You can do better than that! Get real food" look. I get accused of not taking it seriously. Oh, it's serious alright! Seriously messed up! I mean, when you're putting your own imaginary daughter into a time-out for hitting your un-imaginary son, you begin to wonder whether an intervention might be in order. (Maybe there's a good imaginary psychiatrist I could see. Anyone have any recommendations? I need an affordable rate since I don't have any imaginary mental health insurance.)

The bright side is that this fun little game can't last much longer. Right? If I'm wrong, then I'm thinking I will have to be on the lookout for some imaginary adoptive parents. I know a nice couple. He's a neurosurgeon and she's a rocket scientist. They live in a castle. I think Logan would be very happy there.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Accentuate The Positive

LM's teacher warned me before I opened it. "I can't wait to hear about what you think of your son's Mother's Day present!" Hmmmm. That smile of hers was a little too perky.

I waited until I got home, and then I tore open the manilla envelope containing the treasure inside. As you can see in the photo, I was treated to a very special surprise! The person on the left is me. I'm holding hands with LM, who is standing next to a large Transformer. But I'm wondering about the, um...I mean my, er...chest region. What would a psychologist say about this, I wonder? What would Freud say? Yikes. I'm sure Oedipus' name would get mentioned.

It's laminated, too. (Wistful sigh.) I'm so keeping this thing forever.

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mothers!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Busting Patooty

This weekend my older sister and I gathered up our troops and headed off to Nini and Popi's house for an overnighter. Spending the night with The Bopper and Mister is 1 part pure joyful entertainment, and 1 part utterly exhausting. Especially when Mister decides that getting up at the butt-crack-o-dawn is a great idea. He came toddling into my room bellowing a hearty "hi!" with my sister following close behind. Sis then decided to join me in the twin bed I was trying so desperately to remain asleep in. Well, good morning to all! And for all that, you'd think I'd have at least one quote of theirs to share with you. Alas....

1. LM: (upon seeing a police officer parked out in front of our house, he runs out the door to say hello-- and the dog goes with him, barking her head off as the man rolls down his window) "Carson, stop barking or else you'll get arrested!"

2. Hubby: (getting frantic about being late to soccer) "Guys, we need to bust ass to the car!"
LM: "Okay, Dad, we promise we'll bust our asses to the car."
Ruby: (shocked)
Me: (shocked)
Hubby: "Don't repeat that!"
(I'm still waiting for his teacher to inform me that LM suggested the class "bust ass" to P.E. or something like that, but so far it looks like he took his daddy's good advice.)

3. LM: (breathing deeply the steamy fumes of the dishwasher) "Oh, that just fills me with delight!"

4. LM: "Guys, whoever wrote our Bible-- they were really good."

5. LM: (giving me a hug and sneaking a peek down my shirt) "Ooooo, boobs!"

6. Me: (listening to LM's loud grunts from the bathroom) "Havin' a good poop in there?"
LM: "Come and see!"
Me: " thanks."
LM: "Come on, Mom-- you'll love it! It looks like a turd monster!"
(Double yikes.)

7. LM: "Mom, do you think girls are kinda wimps?"
(Well, are we talking about pain tolerance or brute strength here? Because I have a different answer depending....)

8. Me: (yelling at LM who began distractedly wandering into his sister's soccer game) "LM! Get off the field!"
LM: (startled and then a bit embarrassed) "Geez, Mom! Are you NUTS? You almost made me break my toy!"

9. LM: "Hey, Auna, it's like a man-eating lion is in your face and then he says, 'I'm Voltron! Pewpewpewpew!' Hey, did you know McDonalds is fat?"
(I'm not sure if she was trackin' with him through all that or not.)

10. Ruby Jane: (pondering our dog) "Why is Carson's skin black?"
Me: "Because she's African-American."
Ruby: "Really!?"
Me: ""

Well, I'd better get this posted before all this crazy wind knocks our power out! It's quite intense. (I think we have a piece of somebody's siding in our yard. I'm waiting for hubby to come and rescue it.)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Robots In Disguise

LM: (talking to the hair-stylist-in-training who was about to cut his hair) "Uh, do you do Transformer haircuts?"
Stylist Guy: (deadpan) "Oh yeah. We definitely do."
LM: "I'll get one of those."

The guy then looked at me quizzically as if to ask how exactly I'd like this fandangled Transformer haircut to look. I shrugged-- and then noticed the subtle stripes cut into one side of his hair. LM noticed them too. LM liked the stripes. So I gave the dude a thumbs-up to "funkify" LM's haircut in a similar fashion and this is what he came up with. (For those who receive these posts directly into their inboxes and therefore can't view the photos, go directly to my blog at: if you'd like a peek at the 'do.)

I suppose it won't surprise you to learn that LM adores his new cut. He says it even makes him run faster. Wow-- now that is a performance haircut!