Live-- From The Couch!

It's Christmas break!  Woohoo!  I'm still in my bathrobe!

Got some quotes for ya:

1. Ruby: (exasperated) "Why is my nose so shiny?!"
Me: "You're getting to the age where that happens."
Ruby: "What?!  You mean I'm getting to the age where my body parts are going to start getting shiny?!"
Me: "Uhhhhh--"
Ruby: "I'm going to need a sign that says, 'Caution, shiny body parts may cause permanent blindness'."
LM: "Don't worry, people won't notice your weird nose."
(Time to introduce Ruby to pressed powder....)

2. LM: "I told Mason that if he didn't work harder in school, he'd grow up to be a stinky fisherman!"
(Way to speak encouragement into people's lives, bud.  However, stinky fisherman oftentimes make very good livings....)

3. Hubby: (asleep-- and angry) "You'd better get thinkin'!"
(Must've been dreaming about one of his students.)

4. LM: "Mom, you're the best mom ever!"
Me: "Ahhh, thanks, bud!"
LM: "And Dad...he's close to the best dad."
(Er....)

5. LM: "Mom, come see...I'm redecorating my room!"
Me: (looking at some unauthorized artwork on his dresser, then scowling at him) "What's this?"
LM: (looking guilty and sheepish) "Uh, sorry Mom, that's not part of the tour."
(But it'll be part of the cleanup, right?)

6. Ruby: "You know how they say, 'holy infant so tender and mild'?"
Me: "Yeah?"
Ruby: "That makes me think of chicken."
(Gee thanks, Rube, now it will for the rest of us too.)

7. LM: (keeping me apprised of his progress on self-censoring his thoughts) "Mom, don't worry, I didn't call Robert fat today."
Me: (nervously) "Uhhh, that's good.  What...did you say?"
LM: "I said that if we had a humongous cake, Robert would definitely eat it."
(Yikes.)

8. LM: (looking at a picture of Ruby, then very casually stating) "Hey, Rube, you look hot there."
(Ruby was disgusted by this compliment.  Apparently we need to let LM know that, generally speaking, brothers do not call their sisters "hot" in any circumstance.)

9. LM: "Justin Beaver's pretty good...for a beaver."
(We've tried to correct LM, but it's impossible.)

10. LM: (looking at our dog fondly) "I really value this mutt."

That's it for now!  In case I don't post beforehand, merry Christmas!

A New Friend

Our church partners with an organization that matches elementary school children (from disadvantaged backgrounds) with an adult mentor.  When I heard that the school was in need of a mentor for a 2nd grade boy with Asperger's...well, it was irresistible!  I started today.

If you've met one Aspie, you've met...one Aspie.  They're all a little different, so I wasn't expecting this particular fella to be a carbon copy of my LM.  But there were so many similarities I felt an immediate connection to the kiddo.  (It's quite possible he'll be a great new source of quotes, in fact.)

For instance, when asked (per a questionnaire) whether he speaks a foreign language he replied definitively, "Yes."

"Oh?  Which one?"

"Cat.  'Meow'," he demonstrated.  He wasn't kidding around.

"Great news!" I exclaimed, "I speak Cat, too!"  But we conversed in English the entire time, as we are both more fluent in our native tongue than that of the feline variety.

When I first met him he wouldn't look at me (familiar!) and when I asked him questions he didn't respond (familiar!), but as soon as we sat down and began building our robots out of K'nex, the floodgates opened (familiar!).  So I decided to probe him to find out if he was aware of his diagnosis.

"Hey, guess what?  I have a little boy just a year older than you-- he has Asperger's.  Have you...ever heard of that?"

He didn't even look up to acknowledge my question, he was too busy connecting his tiny building pieces together, but eventually he mumbled, "Nope."  He was completely uninterested in hearing more, and I know the futility of trying to press on regardless.  So, unfortunately, this is a subject we'll have to avoid.

When it was time for me to leave we took his lunch tray back to the cafeteria to return it.  We walked in and stood in a line of kids waiting to do the same thing.  Suddenly he stopped, shoved his tray in my hands and shouted, "I'm not returning it!"  His eyes wild and wide.

"You're not?" I asked, confused.  This is pretty routine stuff, after all, and most Aspies are big fans of routine.  He started to run off, leaving me standing there with his dirty tray.  I hastily threw it on the pile (knocking a small girl in the head in the process-- oops!) and rushed to catch up to the little guy.

"Why didn't you want to return your tray?"

"I'm scared!" he shouted at me, angry.

"You're scared of what?" I asked, determined to get to the bottom of this.

"The Kindergartners!"

I withheld my giggle and probed further.  "So...the Kindergartners are scary?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"I don't know them!"

Aha!  "So, you're scared of people you don't know?"

"Yes!"came the firm, yet calmer reply.  He was upset, marching back to his classroom in a major huff.  Those dang Kindergarters had really upset his routine.  Normally he doesn't encounter them at lunch, but being with me had changed his schedule.  Good to know....

"Thanks for hanging out with me today!  I know you really wanted a boy mentor," I offered as a parting statement, "so is it okay that I'm a girl instead?"

"You know...I was just thinking of a girl mentor.  I was thinking of you."  He didn't look at me.  If he had, I might have cried.

He stepped into his classroom and didn't look back.  I already adore him.

Head's Up!

I walked into Ruby's room tonight and found her lying in bed, giggling as she read a book.


"Watcha readin'?" I asked, moving toward the bed.  As I sat down beside her I noticed the Bible in her hands-- the object of all that cheerful amusement. I tried to recall any laugh-out-loud scriptures I'd read recently, but none came to mind.  Although, I suppose Song of Solomon offers some pretty quirky possibilities....  Meanwhile, Ruby's still chuckling, hardly paying any attention to me at all.

"Okay, what's so funny?" I asked, because at this point I was dying of curiosity.  I love a good laugh, after all.  Ruby pointed to 1 Samuel chapter 18 and I desperately racked my brain for any possible comedic relevance to this particular book.  I came up empty.  So Ruby began to read verse 25.

"Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” 


I smiled.  Aha!  Ruby looked up at me, eyes gleaming. "So, what did David do?  Just, like, fill up a basket with foreskins, hand it to Saul and say, 'So...is this enough foreskins for ya?'"

This made me start laughing, too.  Am I really talking about circumcision (on dead bodies, no less!) with my tween daughter?  I mean, if she and I were watching a movie where collecting foreskins was a major part of the plot, I'd probably turn it off.  I eyed the Bible in her hands-- yeah, definitely PG-13, that.

"You know, Rube, I have no idea how David went about presenting all those Philistine foreskins to Saul."  I shuddered at the thought of harvesting such a collection.  "Aren't you just glad it's not a requirement for marriage these days?"

Ruby imitated her father. "Okay, you can marry my daughter, but first I'll need 50 Swedish foreskins from you.  If you can't get 50, then a split of 25 Swedish and 25 Canadian will be fine."

We bust up laughing.

Soon after, I turned out the light and we said our goodnights.  1 Samuel 18:25....  Who knew?

No Shave November?

A friend told me I needed to post something on my blog.  I don't know what made me happier; that anyone still checks to see if I've posted, or that they actually want to read what I wrote.  Either way, it made me smile and I figured I'd better hop to!

The biggest news?  Hubby is currently attempting a mustache.  Please use all your powers of persuasion to discourage this activity next time you cross his path.  Because, of course, I have to continue to tell him he's hot and sexy, but seriously people, there is nothing remotely hot or sexy about a Victorianesque 'stache.  I beg you, help a girl out!

In other news, I have some quotes for you.  It's a small list, but it's all I got.

LM: "Mom, you don't need to worry-- you have a fully trained ninja in the family."
(Well, I hadn't been worried, but now...I might be.)

LM: (as relayed to me by his teacher) "Mrs. B, can I talk to you?"
Mrs. B: "Sure, what's up?"
LM: "You shouldn't be very hard on me if I misbehave today-- I have tight underwear on."
(He has a point there....)

LM: "Mom, I wish you would move your big butt!"
Me: "That's not very nice."
LM: (softening his tone) "Well, it is big, and it is a butt, so...."
(Aspies...so literal.)

Hubby: (asleep)  "...it became kind of punchy and...overwhelming."
(One teeny-tiny sleep-talking quote here or there won't hurt-- right?)

LM: (watching a movie with me) "Did he just say a cuss word?"
Me: "No, 'damsel' just means girl."
LM: "Oh!  So how do you say boy in cuss words?"
(Dam...oh, nevermind.)

Me: (yelling to the basement where hubby was) "Did you already feed the dog?"
Hubby: "Yes!"
Me: "She's trying to convince me otherwise."
Hubby: "Well, tell her I said no!"
Me: (looking down at the dog) "Ummm, he said no."
(She still wasn't buying it.)

I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving!  Thanks for reading!  :)

Party Pooper

I'm only sharing this story because I've heard my son retell it twice already, and the way he tells it...well, let's just say that I have some splainin' to do.

I was in the bathroom.  (Don't all good stories start out this way?)  Anyway, I was in the bathroom, and it's rather integral that I tell you I was engaged in the business of #2.  Sorry-- just try not to picture it.  (Although, I do make a lovely figure on the pot.)

So there I was, finishing up, when I heard a yell coming from the living room.  It was Ruby, and I knew something was seriously amiss.  She had a breathless quality to her tone that indicated a certain amount of franticness.  

"Mom?  Mom?!  MOM!"

I poked my head out of the bathroom door and answered, hoping that I could easily solve the problem and get back to the business at hand.

"What's wrong with Carson?  What's wrong with her?!" Ruby gasped.

Oh, gosh.  The dog.  Did she keel over or something?  I couldn't see a dang thing, stuck on the john and all.

"What's she doing?" I asked, still calm.  One thing you should know about me is I'm an under-reactor in trauma situations.  I would almost say that I'm the perfect person to have with you in an emergency except for the fact that the very definition of under-reacting is evidence to the contrary.

"I don't know what she's doing!  I can't find her!" Ruby yells back, voice cracking.  LM begins to bawl.

Oooookaaaaaay.  At this point I'm at a loss.  Clearly my children are in a state of real crisis, but they are unable to tell me what is happening-- in fact, they are unable to even tell me IF anything is happening at all.  

"If you can't see her, how do you know something is wrong with her?" I holler out the door.  By now the kids are both gasping for air they're bawling so hard.  I'm beginning to realize my time in the bathroom will be cut unfortunately short.

"I heard her yelping!" comes the shrieking reply.

Well, this I can work with.  This is evidence!  Evidence that something indeed is wrong!  I hopped off the throne and jumped into action-- pants pooled around my ankles.  I searched all of the dog's known hangouts.  Meanwhile, the kids are in helpless, blathering heaps on the living room floor, sure that their beloved pet is dying in some hidden corner of the house.  I finally find the dog.  She's rolling on LM's bedroom carpet downstairs.  She's wagging her tail, having a grand ol' time, oblivious to the commotion upstairs.  

I went back upstairs to finish my business.

Why tell you all this?  Because my son is probably going to share with you that his mother went on a partially clothed doghunt sans proper wiping.  How do I know he'll say this?  Because he's already informed two of his little friends and his father.  But I DID wipe-- I did!  Don't believe that kid!  Remember, he was the one who was insisting our idiot dog was croaking when in fact she was having a heyday down on the berber.  Clearly he gets his facts confused.  

And, I washed my hands, too.  I'm a wiper and a washer.

Stupid dog....

Guilty!

What?!  No way 2 weeks have passed since I last posted.  But you'll be pleased to know I have been filling my time with important civic duties (aka jury duty).  And to all the people who said, "Don't worry!  You probably won't get selected for anything!" I would like to ask if you forgot to knock on wood after sharing such a delightful prophesy.  'Cause I did get picked.  And it was fascinating.  You know what else is fascinating?  (Okay, that was a lame segue, but we all know they aren't my forte.)  Quotes!

1. LM: (listening to his sister and her friend talk about the biggest baby ever born) "Whoa!  Can you imagine that coming out of the part?"

(We're all trying not to, bud, thanks anyway.)

2. LM: "Why do they call them stepdads?  'Cause they step on people?"

3. LM: (singing at the top of his lungs) "Eat up your kids!  Eat up your kids!  Eat up your kids and have fun!  Kids are tasty!"

(For the record, we do not eat children and never have.  Okay...maybe a little nibble here and there.)

4. Mister: (coming out of the bathroom with a big smile) "Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!  I got my poop on!"

5. Bopper: (reciting the pledge of allegiance, which she is learning in Kindergarten) "I pledge in public of North America, in geo public under God, Erin Divisible and Justin Thaw."

(So. Much. To. Say. Can't. Decide!)

6. LM: "Mom, if this house were a mouth, how much would it eat?"

(Wow-- think about that for a minute.  It's deep!)

7. LM: "Ruby, the boys in your class think I'm really popular, and that makes you really popular."

8. LM: "Mom, did you know that boys are more special than girls in Heaven?  I'm not trying to be rude, but...it's true."

(Ummm, no offense taken...I guess.)

9. LM: (referring to Survivor) "I'm blindsided, too-- I never see anything coming!"

10. Ruby: (listening to LM talk a bit of nonsense) "LM, don't burden me with your horrifying words."

(Okay, Rube, as long as you don't burden the rest of us with your over-adjectivication of thoughts.)

Notice anything missing?  Like, hubby sleep-talking quotes?  Well, Ruby let the cat out of the bag....  Busted!  :)  Maybe I can sneak a few in here or there in the future, but I got nothin' for you this time.

Sad But True...And Hilarious

I was going to write something witty to accompany this little map of the world, but find I cannot improve upon it in the least!  (Well, okay, I would change the verbiage in the yellow European section, but alas, I cannot.  Forgive that part....)

One Word: Yikes

I was introduced to the show "Hoarders" last night.  For your information, I will be busy the rest of today cleaning my entire house.

Decepticon Axels!

I just got done watching 5 hours (count 'em: 5) of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon today.  Why would I spend 5 hours watching a 2 1/2 hour movie, you ask?  Well, the first time was to screen it for the kiddos, carefully inventorying every cuss word and sensual or inappropriate scene (well, except for all the extraordinary violence, that is.  We allow all that-- duh!).  The second time was to watch it with the kiddos, monitoring the time display with one eye, while keeping the other on the fast forward button, my handy-dandy "skip these parts" list in front of me.  Turns out, however, that I missed some naughty words in my careful combing through the first time.  Oopsy.  So if you hear LM calling anyone an "axel" (I didn't bother to correct him), please tell him to watch his filthy mouth.

Folks, I think I've already explained that I'm no longer in the running for the "Mother of the Year" award, need I provide any more proof?  But do I have one deliriously happy 8-year old Transformer fanatic as a result of this censored movie viewing?  Why yes, yes I do.  And as much as I try, I just can't be too sorry for the indulgence.

Shhhhhh!

I have two little gems from hubby to share-- and I was lucky to get them!  As you know, hubby doesn't enjoy the clickety-clacking of my nails on the computer keyboard while he's trying to sleep.  But sometimes the man's so deep in it, he doesn't notice.  Thus, I was able to capture one of my all-time favorite sleep talking quotes recently.  (I swear, I don't make these suckers up.)  I'll even start off with them for those of you who comb through the list to find hubby's contribution first.  I'm all about making your life easier.

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Gotta remember that spirit unicorn thing-- she got some FUNK, man!"
(I lol every time I read this!)

2. Hubby: (asleep-- and this one was so rambling I only got the first two sentences typed out before I could no longer keep up-- he had a LOT to say this particular night) "You see an opening and you're going to climb in it-- that's just the way you are.  Part of me likes that."

3. LM: "Guess what? I kicked Robert in soccer today."
Me: "On purpose?!"
LM: "Don't worry, Mom, nobody saw."
Me: "Nobody?"
LM: "Well, somebody saw-- you know who."
Me: "Jesus?"
LM: "Yeah.  And his father."
Me: "God?"
LM: "Yep."
Me: "Well, then you'd better not do it again!"

4. Ruby: "I was reading my Bible the other day about Jezebel and how she committed sexual immortality...."
(Whoa-- that actually sounds pretty awesome.)

5. LM: (talking about his goals for the future) "I just want to get a Camaro and a good wife."
(Ah, the simple pleasures in life!)

6. Ruby: "Those pictures are stupendous-- they inhale through a straw!"
(Tween translation: "Those pictures are stupid-- they suck!"

7. LM: (after I'd given him a dose of liquid melatonin before bed) "Is there alcohol in this?"
Me: "Ummmm, yes."
LM: "So, I'm allowed to drink alcohol?!"
Me: "No-- this is different because it's like medicine.  There's not enough in one dose to affect you."
LM: "But if I had a cup of it would it?"
Me: "Well, yes."
LM: "Have I had a cup of this in my whole life?"
Me: "If you added up all the doses you've ever had, yeah, probably."
LM: "So, I'm drunk!"
Me: "Uh, no."
LM: "Maybe just a little?"
Me: "No."

8. Me: (asking Ruby about her upcoming 3rd soccer game) "How many goals are you going to score today?"
Ruby: "Probably none."
Me: "Why not?"
Ruby: "Well, after the first and second game, the glory days are over."
(Yeah, you're definitely past your prime, Ruby.)

9. LM: "Mom, when I grow up I'm going to be a government, with a pet shark and a Camaro."
(Now that is thinking big, folks!  Most kids want to be the president-- but how many want to be the entire government??)

10. LM: (insisting that I include one of his jokes on my blog) "Why did the skeleton play the piano?"
Me: "Why?"
LM: "Because he had no organs!"
Me: "Hahahhahahhaaa!"

Anyway, that's it for now.  Here's hoping that tonight I have a dream about the spirit unicorn thing.  She got some funk, man.

Penalty For Popsicle Sticking!

Hubby is relaxing on our couch watching sports and happened to flip the channel briefly to hockey.  I don't know anything about hockey except that whenever I've attended a live game, I'm surrounded by belligerent drunks as two teams of heavily padded men beat the snot out of each other.  And that's why when I heard the term "icing" I had to stop and ponder it for a moment.  I mean, icing doesn't sound like a very manly term for a rough and tumble game.

Can you imagine if off-sides in soccer was called "meringuing"?  What about if a false start in football was "frosting"?  Or if a foul in basketball was called a "ganache"?

I know, I know-- icing refers to the ice which hockey is played on.  But I can't help but conjure up images of buttercream and whipped fudge when I hear it.  Makes me giggle.  Yeah, hockey just lost a few macho points in my book for that one.

School Daze

LM's been doing well in his new school. Woohoo! And recently I got the chance to come and speak with his class about Asperger's Syndrome, and since then his classmates have been extra sweet towards him. (In fact, right at this moment, he's at a friend's house eating dinner and hangin' out-- it's the FIRST time a classmate has ever invited him over to play. Someone hand me a tissue!)

But he hasn't been altogether without issues at school. I got an email from his teacher (who we adore!) that some extra math homework was coming home. Apparently while the rest of the class was busy calculating answers, LM thought a better use of his time would be to draw two pink erasers running away with stolen bags of loot. I have no idea what kind of symbolism is involved there, but I gotta hand it to him-- he's creative!

Yet while we were busy completing the math page at home, new information came to light. I could tell LM was dying to share something because he began to clench his hands together and go red in the face, grimacing.

"What's up, bud?"

He looked like he was about to explode. "I cheated on these problems!" he blurted. He waved his hand over a whole row of math problems. But that didn't seem to diminish his anxiety.

"Okay, okay! I cheated on these, too!" He pointed to another set of problems. He then relaxed.

We've been over this before. Like, lots. LM has a tendency to cheat (and then dramatically confess). But I suppose-- in his defense-- it's pretty hard to complete story problems on your own when you can't even read them in the first place....

That didn't stop me from erasing every problem he cheated on and making him do them again, however. (Besides, the girl he cheated off of got some answers wrong!)

All in all, though, we're off to a great year. Phew!

Dreamocide

Maybe it was the effects of being up until 4:00am.

Maybe it was because I was with three of my favorite girls in the world-- two sisters and a cousin-- and spirits were high.

Whatever it was, when I look back at how hard I laughed (until I cried) after admitting that I sometimes dream about murdering people.... I'm wondering if it's actually not funny?

Dang-- I can't be the only one! C'mon, show of hands, how many of you peeps occasionally beat, stab or strangle folks while in REM? (What if they really deserved it?) Anyone wanna get all Freudian on me? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it might mean something.

In any case, I want to put everyone's mind at ease that I've never, ever murdered anyone while conscious. Like, not even once. And that's a pretty good track record if I do say so myself. So no worries, you're relatively safe while in my presence. (You're less safe if you enter my subconscious at night, however. Just sayin'.)

The Nose Knows

If you've eaten garlic in the last 24-hours I can probably smell you from two feet away. And for some reason, peeps have been eating a lot of garlic lately. I'm not sayin' stop, mind you, just...remember that mints are your friend.

Still Still Here!

Wow-- has it really been almost a month since I last posted? Where has the summer gone?! Have I lost everyone?

Well, I have a few quotes for any of you who've hung in there through the dry spell. This will probably be one of the last posts that include hubby's sleep-talking quotes since my computer has been banned from bed (something about it being annoying or something like that).

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Settle down, you wild punk! Settle down or you'll end up on your butt!"

2. LM: "Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to get a Camaro."

Me: "Did you know that my Uncle J used to have a red Camaro?"

LM: "Really?! Does he still have it?"

Me: "Ummmm...I don't know."

LM: "Well, if he does, I'm totally going to buy it from him for like, $400! Then I'll have my own sweet Camaro!"

(So, what do you say, Uncle J? Do we have a deal?)

3. LM: "Mom, did you know you have a big butt?"

Me: "Errr...yes, I did know that."

LM: "It's probably because of your muffin top, right?"

(Wow, a two-fer diss. Gotta love that!)

4. Hubby: (asleep) "What's going on there, big guy? And I don't mean He-Man."

5. LM: "I have one question; how do you feel about having a muscle on your core?"

Me: "Ummmmmm...huh?"

(How does he do that-- ask unanswerable questions with such ease?)

6. Hubby: (asleep, and in a Southern accent) "He got 'er good, Bobby! Yes he did! Damn St. Petersburg...." (mumble, mumble, mumble).

(Cussing doesn't count if it's done in one's sleep, right?)

7. LM: (talking about a kid who isn't very kind to him) "Mom, next time I see him, I'm gonna...." (Proceeds to describe some intricate form of torture I can't recall.)

Me: "But do you remember we're supposed to love our enemies?"

LM: "He's not my enemy...I just hate him."

(Ah, yes, well then go ahead and beat the snot out of him, kiddo. My mistake.)

8. Hubby: (asleep) "Sam, give'm a five. Nice. Very strange, very strange."

9. LM: (praying) "Dear Jesus, thank you for the lesson in Transformers. It's not as good as your word, but it's pretty good. I wish it was your word. Amen."

10. LM: (as his cousin is elbowing him at the dinner table) "Mister is nudging me! Tell him to stop!"

Mister: (turning to Nini, pointing to his elbow) "Is this my nudge?"

That's all I got, folks! I'm hoping that as school resumes I'll get back to a more normal posting schedule. 'Cause, dang, lots of funny things happen when school starts. G'night!

Still Here!

I tell ya, it's not easy keeping up a blog during the summer. I've probably mentioned that before.... Ach, I'm just makin' excuses for not posting-- it's a bad habit. (Excuses, that is.)

A lot's been going on, though. LM started Kendo class. Basically, it's a class to teach him how to wield a sword, Samurai style. For those of you who think that's an insane idea on our part, I may have to agree with you on that one. But, hey, if the kid's gonna wield a sword regardless, might as well teach him how to do it properly....

Anyway, the quotes are starting to stack up, so here goes nothin':

1. LM: (after being chided by hubby for not finishing his chore) "Oh well, at least I picked up half my mess!"

Hubby: "Oh, okay, maybe I'll only give you half of your breakfast tomorrow then!"

LM: "Sounds like a fair deal to me!"

(LM walked away from that exchange quite pleased, while hubby realized he'd been foiled again.... Note to self: if you don't intend for LM to take an offer literally, don't make it.)

2. The Bopper: (wanting to see her brother's new Toy Story character) "Hey Mister, can I check out your Woody?"

(Am I the only one who immediately thinks of...oh, never mind.)

3. LM: (amidst an argument he and hubby were having) "Dad, am I hearing a little bit of rudies coming from me and you? 'Cause I don't do rudies anymore."

(Rudies? What are we, in Kindergarten? Besides, he totally still does rudies!)

4. LM: "Mom, will you help me get my DS stylus from underneath Ruby's bed?"

Me: (having just gotten gussied up for a wedding) "No, bud, I just did my hair and make-up and I don't want to ruin it."

LM: (trying to find a loophole) "But Mom, I don't think your hair looks all that good."

(Nice try, buddy, I'm still not crawling under the bed!)

5. LM: "Hey Mom, I painted Starscream white, and now I call him Ice Scream."

(Ohhhhh, now there's a name to instill fear into the hearts of his enemies! Watch out, everyone, Ice Cream is coming to get you-- ahhhhhh, help! Not that cool, creamy sweetness!)

6. LM: (admiring his daddy's physique) "Dad! You have a six pack! Now, all you need to do is lose this." (Pokes hubby's paunch.)

The rest are hubby's sleep (or nearly sleep) talking quotes. He's usually good for a few laughs-- but you can be the judge of that.

1. Hubby: (asleep, but after I had coughed loudly) "Shhhhhhhhhh ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch-- quiet!"

2. Hubby: (asleep) "Hey, can I have one?" (Pokes me a few times.) "Can I have one?"

3. Hubby: (his sleep being disturbed after I reached over him to grab something) "Nooooo! You and your pesky friends!"

4. Hubby: (asleep-- rolls over and slings an arm around me) "Ahhhhh, you're amazing! Amazing! Amaaaaaaazing."

5. Hubby: (asleep-- and in a Southern accent) "Said one bun to the other bun, 'I won't make it!'"

In fact, while I've been typing this post (with my mad secretarial typing skills-- not) I upset hubby's sleep a bit. Unfortunately, he didn't say anything worth repeating-- it was much too coherent for public interest. But I suppose he's right about one thing: I should put this dang computer away and get some sleep. G'night, everyone!

Help, Sis!

You know you need a pedicure when...you're walking barefoot on carpet and your feet act as Velcro. In desperate need of a foot file here!

Lights, Camera...Action!

Such interesting, interesting things you discover when you find the homemade videos your daughter and her friend absent-mindedly left on your computer after they'd secretly whisked it away for their enjoyment. Interesting indeed.

Nothing horrendous, mind you, just...interesting. Definitely have a pre-teen on my hands!

Nighttime Nattering

I've gotten several comments on hubby's silly sleep-talking, and was asked why I haven't posted his unconscious musings until now. The answer is simple: many times his ramblings are in the middle of the night! I'm usually not awake enough to write them down and by morning I've forgotten exactly what he said. So why the sudden surge of sleepy chatter in my posts? Well, the answer to this is also simple: I've been taking my computer to bed with me. I know, I know-- how romantic. (Actually, I'm in bed right now posting this with hubby dead asleep beside me-- I'll let you know if he says anything interesting!) It's just that the last few weeks have been busy, and sometimes the only way I can get anything done is at night. Not that you asked....

So, here is a special "The Darnedest Things" segment of hubby's midnight musings (and if you'd like to continue to see them posted, I suggest you not mention it to hubster-- he might ban my computer from the bedroom!):

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Do you trust in good ol' Heidi? She's a good egg-- cut out of hard to find dye, I tell ya!"

2. Hubby: (asleep-- and throwing his hand up in the air with a "rock on" gesture) "Wooooohhooooo! Yeah!! I'm finding ways to pronounce Niger...Ni...Nigeria."

3. Hubby: (asleep) "I have only two covers on me right now. There's, like, a million out there with you. I'm sure it's all a plot."

4. Hubby: (asleep) "Yeah, there were...there were none. But I wasn't paying close attention."

5. Hubby: (asleep) "I didn't fall asleep while we were talking, did I? I don't remember falling asleep. I don't remember!"

And now for the quotes spoken while fully conscious-- starring the kiddos this time:

1. Ruby Jane: "Can we get a cat?"

Me: "No. We already have a dog and a frog-- and we're only allowed to get pets that rhyme."

Ruby: "You mean we can get a hog?!"

(Shoot-- I didn't think of that one. Guess my brilliant plan backfired....)

2. LM: (immediately after our friend walked into our house) "How old are you?"

Hubby: "How about saying, 'Hi, Mr. M!'?"

LM: "Hi, Mr. M, how old are you?"

Hubby: (shakes his head, eyes rolling upward)

Mr. M: "It's okay-- I appreciate his forthrightness. I'm 39, buddy."

LM: (disgusted) "And you haven't even married anybody yet?!"

(Still appreciating that forthrightness, Mr. M?)

3. Me: (after Ruby Jane had told a particularly dumb joke and we both laughed) "Oh, I love my little nerd girl!"

Ruby Jane: "I'm not a nerd-- if I was, I'd tell really scientific jokes like this: what did the astronaut say to his dog? Stop licking Uranus!"

(Hmmmm, case in point, Ruby Jane: nerd! And nothin's better in my book.)

4. Me: "I'm getting my hair cut, bud-- what do you think about that?" (I pantomime the length at my chin.)

LM: "Great! You'll look like Willy Wonka from the Chocolate Factory!"

(Hmmmmm, as much as I like Johnny Depp....)

Well, hubby has stayed disappointingly silent tonight. But, fear not, he's bound to start chattering another time! And when he does.... :)

Reflections....

Most of you know by now that hubby's dad passed away last week after having suffered a massive heart attack. Although he was an older gentleman, it was still quite a shock. We always thought of him as a tough old bird (think Clint Eastwood) even when rheumatoid arthritis began to ravage his joints and he got a dose of the gimpies. But heart problems? Not even on the radar.

Seeing my husband lose a parent; hard. But death has a way of making you reassess life. What's important, what's not, what's right, what's wrong.... And I've decided to make a deliberate recalibration of my values, because while looking at life through death's eyes, I saw some characteristics in me that needed changing. I've been getting too caught up in desires that don't matter; the size of my house and the furnishings in it, gadgets and newfangled devices I'd like to own, losing weight and fantasizing about various plastic surgeries that could propel me toward that end, moving up in the world, insecurities, anxiety, pride, envy, I could go on but I've embarrassed myself enough.... But all of a sudden, that stuff seems so petty. So worldly. So...far from who I want to be.

If I were to die tomorrow, would a tummy tuck be considered amongst my greatest achievements? Will getting in the last zinger of an argument win me favor with my Maker? What if I never look as cute as you do in jeans and despise you for it-- will that enhance our friendship? Will I get to Heaven and think, "geez, my only regret is not having a house as big as The Jones's"? Somehow, I think not....

So, if anyone's interested, here's what I came up with to combat, well...me. It's the renewed order of my values:

A. God.

B. People.

Pretty simple, really, but I need simple because I'm just not wired to handle complicated for more than a few seconds.

A no fail plan? Ha! Please! Any plan where I am the primary player is bound to stutter and sputter along, like a student driver working a manual transmission for the first time. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

But I've been reminded that death can arrive at any time for any of us (not trying to be morbid here, just tellin' the truth), and when it comes for me, I don't want to be caught feverishly pursuing desires that are contrary to A and B. It's not about the things themselves, mind you, it's about my motivation. My priorities. My heart.

'Cause hey, if a surgeon ever offers me complimentary liposuction, a university begs hubby to come on staff so they can pay him a hundred grand a year, we can afford a nicer home in a great neighborhood with stellar schools, etc, I will accept that as God's generous blessing! Thank you, Jesus! And if I never reach the level of attractiveness our society deems worthy (and it seems less and less likely with every year I get older), hubby gets fired, and our home is flooded without our having the appropriate insurance coverage, I will accept that as well (albeit less graciously, I s'pose).

In the meantime, however, as life goes along the way it does; the good and the bad all mixed in together, it is my intention to pursue loving God and people first and foremost. Everything else is just...everything else. Because at the end of my life, only one thing will matter, and that is hearing these words: "Well done, good and faithful servant." (With or without a tummy tuck.)

A Course In Coarse

Tonight Ruby Jane asked the burning question: what does the term "junk in your trunk" mean? I explained it's when a woman has an ample backside (although, upon reflection, who's to say the term can't apply to a man? I mean, they have spare tires and all...). Anyway, she said, "oh, I thought it meant you had to go poop." I couldn't help it-- I totally cracked up. I offered, "well, maybe that's when you have a chunk in your trunk?" And the kids and I burst out laughing once again. (What can I say? Our collective sense of humor has yet to mature beyond that of a 6-year old boy.) Of course, after that our conversation began to seriously degenerate.

But it wasn't until, after coming up with numerous giggle-inducing rhymes, LM thought up this little gem: "Or what about having 'gas in your....'" I waited, holding my breath, caught between a ginormous guffaw and a mortified gasp. He doesn't know the word that would fit at the end of that thought, does he? Does he?! But he finished the sentence with an innocent, "back". Phew! That was a close call. Needless to say, I then redirected our conversation to...safer territory. ("Hey kids, how about those Portland Timbers, huh? And such crazy weather we're having! Oh look-- it's time for bed!")

I know, I know, I'm not going to win any Mom-of-the-Year awards at this rate. Guess there's a "tumor in my humor", too much "mock in my talk", or perhaps a bad "flavor in my behavior"? Okay, I'm done! Until later, alligator....

Survey Says!

I learn something new everyday. Sometimes I learn two or three new things. And when they happen to be about one of my kiddos, it's an especially successful day. Take for instance the very interesting little tidbits we discovered about LM recently. (These coming from the psychologist who evaluated him for social and academic purposes.)

First of all, LM has a poor short-term memory. That explains soooo much. He's often asked to do chores which then don't get completed, only to insist, "I forgot!" when he gets in trouble for the lapse. Well, the doc informed us he probably really does forget. (Oops.) But if LM thinks this gives him a free pass for negligence or disobedience, he's got another thing coming! Knowing this fact about my boy will only mean that he's expected to get things done immediately, before they slip his competent little mind (oh, 'cause we also found out he has a high I.Q.). Poor guy.... I would like to welcome him to the fun world of lists, calendars and schedules-- they're going to be lifelong friends of his, I think. Now, as for his long-term memory-- that's another story. It tends to be more excellent than I would actually like....

Second of all, LM has poor facial interpretation skills. This means he has a very difficult time reading your face for information about what you may be feeling. In fact, he might not even recognize you at all. Your face matters very little to him, apparently. He oftentimes will see strangers in stores, or pictures of celebrities in magazines, or even acquaintances he's met before, and mistake them for family members and friends. (Pointing to a picture of Julia Roberts, he once asked, "is that you, Mom?" I wanted to say yes, but....) So, when dealing with LM, make sure you use other context clues to help him decipher what you're trying to communicate (tone of voice and surrounding circumstances help), because if you just give him a "look", he'll probably have no idea what you're trying to convey.

To help illustrate her point, the doc had LM look at my face as she asked him, "how do you think your mom is feeling right now?" I grinned at LM and gave him a little wink. He glanced at me and proclaimed my emotional status as, "horrible!" She asked him why he thought so, and he explained that I was probably disappointed by his test results. She then asked him to tell her what my mouth was doing; I smiled bigger. His response? "She's chewing gum." (I was.) The doc probed and coaxed and finally got him to admit that I was indeed probably happy and not disappointed at all.

So what does all this mean? I don't even know! But it's interesting, huh? I think what it could mean, though, is that I'm a lot better looking than I previously thought-- 'cause apparently Julia Roberts and I are like twins. Awesome.

When It Rains....

Poor hubby. He's off on a 3-day, 2-night field trip with his students. But that's not what makes the man poor. It's the fact that he's off on a 3-day, 2-night field trip with his students without his suitcase of clothes, sleeping bag and pillow. Yep, all his gear is still in the back of our car. He forgot to load it on the bus. Whoopsie! Those of you who know me well know that I laughed hysterically at this news. But it gets worse (and much less funny). He also lost his iTouch while sightseeing with the kiddos. Big bummer. So every time the phone rings now and it's him, I cringe a little. (What next? I don't think I wanna know....)

1. Mister: (throwing a small fit)

Me: (with mock seriousness) "Do you know what we do with little boys who throw fits?"

Mister: (a bit worried) "What?"

Me: "We kiss 'em!!" (I proceed to plaster his face with kisses.)

Mister: (indignant) "No we don't! We spank 'em!"

(Sorry, bud, I can't help you there.... And just in case his mother reads this and gets any ideas about a post-event punishment, rest assured I already took care of the little bugger. Yep, he got tickled no joke!)

2. LM: "Nini said we'll probably take drugs when we grow up."

Hubby: "Why would she say that?"

LM: "Because I'm cool and might like to do that."

(Hmmmmmm.... I think something was definitely lost in translation. Either that, or we're gonna have to keep both eyes on that Nini!)

3. LM: "You know what my least favorite words are?"

Me: "What?"

LM: "'What the hell' and 'Oh my god'. Wanna know what my favorite words are?"

Me: (nervous) "Uh-huh...."

LM: "'What the blazes' and 'What the heck'."

(Well, I think it's clear we may need to diversify his favorite vocabulary a bit here. Especially after I saw him trying to teach a friend's 18-month old how to say "what the heck". I'm sure they were thrilled.)

4. LM: "Mom, know who my favorite dicycle is?"

Me: "Who?"

LM: "Peter! 'Cause I just love how he cut off that guy's ear."

(He's my favorite, too! But for different reasons....)

5. LM: (trying to, um, impress a friend) "I've drunked my own blood before, have you?"

Friend: "You've drunked it?! That's not how you say it! You say 'I've drinked it'!"

(Ugh, I don't know what's worse-- that his friend took no issue with LM's nasty confession, or the fact that his grammatical correction of my son was so grammatically atrocious itself.)

6. Hubby: (asleep-- dead asleep) "That's a bunch of bull! Hogwash! You're not fine-- you're just saying washy, washy, happy, happy!"

("Washy, washy, happy, happy" being said in a "neener neener" tone. Folks, I could create an entire blog around what this man says in his sleep.)

7. My Sister: (singing silly songs to The Bopper)

Bopper: "Mom, sometimes when you sing it makes my stomach feel sick and I wanna throw up a little bit."

(Ahhhh, so sweet!)

Well, I'm off to bed! I'll be thinking of hubby as I snuggle up all nice and cozy, head on an actual pillow instead of a wad of someone's dirty clothes. Wahahahahaaaaaa! No worries-- I'm sure he'll think the whole situation is funny too...eventually.

U2 360 6.4.11

No, that's not my bank account number, it's the name and date of the U2 tour we (my two sisters and all the hubbies) had the pleasure of attending last night. And let me tell you, after a day of traveling, shopping, eating and concert-going, I'm exhausted. Not feeling sorry for me? Oh, alright, I suppose that's fair enough-- even though I may be permanently deaf. (Hmmmm, now you feel a little bad, don't you? What? I can't hear you.)

But it wasn't just the concert that made the day entertaining. Getting there was a feat as well. My brother-in-law let us borrow their GPS system, and hubby didn't always get along so well with it. He's just too ADHD for such an efficient gadget, I think. We made a lot of premature turns, which had the added benefit of providing us with a more scenic route. ("Now this is a cute little neighborhood, isn't it? Okay, then, we're turning back onto the main road-- on we go!") But I think hubby really appreciated all the backseat driving we offered while he learned the ropes, as was evidenced when he lovingly yelled, "shut-up!" over and over when we all clamored to direct his path, voices raised in unity together. What can I say? Our helpfulness was a gift!

Meandering around the big city, once we eventually arrived, was an adventure as well. The weather was fantastic and people were out in droves. After finding a parking lot that didn't require us to take out a second mortgage, we abandoned the car and set out on foot. Almost all of us had a destination shopping spot we wanted to visit, so we headed toward my little sister's top pick: American Apparel. Those of you my age or a bit older will understand when I say that American Apparel's 80's theme was cringe-worthy. (T will try to defend it as "cool", but c'mon, those of us who lived through that era know there's a good reason to keep its fashion in the past.) Everything from high-waisted, taper-leg, pleated pants to cropped belly shirts and neon fingernail polish. My older sister and I couldn't wait to step out of the store and return to the 21st century.

Then onto dinner before the big show! What's the one kind of food that you should perhaps try to avoid while traveling as a group a long distance in a car? (Especially because a few in our party had been struggling with gastrointestinal issues.) If you said Mexican food then your thoughts are my thoughts exactly. But, that's precisely what we ate. Big, huge burritos. Beans, beans, the musical fruit.... (We did make sure to institute a no farting rule on the car trip home, which was honored by all-- at least, those of us who were conscious.)

But the concert? Wow. From the first chest-vibrating bass beats of Lenny Kravitz to the final haunting refrain of U2's "Moment of Surrender", I couldn't remove the look of awe plastered to my face. Even with the drunk middle-aged couple in front of us dirty dancing and sucking face the whole time, I was completely mesmerized by the band. (Well, okay, I did stare at the couple for a few moments, I mean, we all did. They were like a train wreck you wanted to, but couldn't, look away from. Sure, we were glad they seemed to have had such a, errr, healthy love life, but all that gyrating was enough to make one dizzy!)

After the show we headed home once again, stopping for a "quick" post concert meal at Dennys first (nothing but gourmet for our troop!). We thought eating might help us stay awake for the trip home (hey, we promised our mother we'd at least try for the sake of the driver). But, alas, most of us conked out within the first 15 minutes. Obviously, though, we made it home safely.

My final analysis?

6 tickets to see U2: $672

Gas, parking, and food for the journey: $250

Seeing Lenny Kravitz and U2 live at the highest grossing concert tour in history: Priceless (or $922-- however you want to do the math-- but the point is this: worth every penny).

Cruise Or Bust!

Our family just returned from a lovely 7 day Alaskan cruise. And when I say family, I mean parents, grandparents, siblings-- let me tell ya, we were not an easy bunch to accommodate at dinnertime. It's a bit depressing coming home, however. I mean, a cruise is a mommy's dream come true! And as I was thinking about why it's so hard to adjust back into real life, I came up with 10 reasons. So without further adieu....

1. I am currently without a good steward. Nobody made my bed or placed fresh towels in my bathroom for me this morning, and that truly bummed me out. If this is a position you'd be interested in filling, please let me know!

2. There is no breakfast or lunch buffet at my house, and if there was one, I'd be responsible to prepare all the food and then clean up afterwards. And frankly, that sort of defeats the whole purpose. Besides, without a "washy, washy, happy, happy, smiley, smiley" girl standing at the entrance ready to sanitize my hands before eating, I just don't think I could enjoy myself.

3. Since returning, I have yet to be given an activity schedule informing me of all the fun and free entertainment that's available all day long. I mean, I have a TV and all, but once you've seen the live version of "Dancing with the Stars" (and your sister and brother-in-law were two of the contestants) somehow TV just doesn't cut it anymore....

4. If I go out to eat, I will now have to pay for the meal. No more ordering appetizers, multiple entrees just to try 'em, or as many desserts as I can toss back before the kids become restless and want to leave (sheesh, let me finish my coconut souffle!). And, heck, speaking of the kids, they are so relegated back to the kids' menu from now on (where steak and lobster are not even an option).

5. I'm no longer within a minute's walking distance to multiple family members. I now actually have to get in my car and drive to their houses if I want to see them. That hasn't happened yet, by the way-- it's just too much work!

6. There is no chocolaholic's bar anywhere in sight. None! Of course, this could actually be an advantage seeing as I now have several extra pounds to lose.... (Probably due in part to the dessert buffet....) Yeah, I don't think having access to sweets 24/7 would benefit my current weight-loss goals at all really.

7. I probably won't see Ruby Jane in a dress again until prom night. But, hey, I may just institute a "formal night" at home every once in a while! Because doesn't food taste even better when you're all gussied up?

8. My town isn't nearly as charming as Juneau, Skagway, Ketchican or Victoria are. I can't just meander down the boarded sidewalks and pet horses I see along the way. Our sidewalks are made of dumb ol' concrete, and if I want to pet a horse, I'd have to drive out to the country and pay for the privilege.

9. I, like, have to work, volunteer, and take care of a house again. Amazing how fast you can get used to not having to do a darn thing all day. Want to head up to the lounge to watch a friendly game of Who Wants to Be a Gazillionaire? Go ahead! How about take a dip in a jacuzzi while drifting by snowcapped mountains? Do it! Feel like a midnight snack? There's always a restaurant open! Head out dancing at 11:00? Simply call your mom to come and watch the kiddos-- she's just down the hall (as is the nightclub)! Or take a jog on a treadmill while looking out at sea-- and you don't even have to set an incline because the boat rocks so much it inclines and declines for you about every 10 seconds. Spontaneous game of Farkle? Meet me in the game room in one minute! Gone! All of it's gone! I'm, gasp, a responsible adult again!

10. My kids are bored now. The sports court at my house is called the "backyard", and apparently since there are dog poop land mines to avoid, not to mention no ocean view, the appeal just isn't there. No kids' crew, either. I tried to send the kiddos to their rooms today saying, "go see what's happening at the kids' club!" but they weren't buying it. I guess it's just not the same without an activities director to entertain them....

Actually, I came up with a much longer list, but you get the gist....

You know, though, it's just as well that these things come to an end. I mean, how much would I weigh if I lived on a cruise ship all the time?! I shudder to think. Besides, now I have happy memories, and perhaps something to look forward to in the future. 'Cause, um, we're doing this again, right? Right?

Flasher

You know you've become one of the mature crowd when you bring home the top you bought in the junior's department and notice the tag on it reads "dress". The thing hardly covers my ample backside. This, my friends, is why people like me are supposed to stay out of the junior's department. From now on, I'll stick with the misses' section, where tops that hit me at my hips are meant to be worn with pants underneath. Lesson learned.

Bowling Ball Head

In my defense, LM had originally requested to go bald-- but we compromised.... I'm beginning to second guess my "you're in charge of your own hairstyle" policy, though. Ah, what the heck, hair grows, right? (Although I have a feeling the aunties will have something to say about this one....)

No, No, After YOU

Regardless of whatever road rules might normally apply, when a man in a motorized wheelchair comes blazing out of Lighthouse for the Blind's parking lot, you stinkin' get out of his way-- 'cause he pretty much owns that street (whether he sees you or not). But it does make one wonder....

Priceless Entertainment

Oh, this morning was a real treat! It was LM's 2nd grade music program, and boy, he did not disappoint. Below is a series of photos I like to call, "Yeehaw! Sing It, Cowboy!"

The hat.... He had a hard time keeping it on his head.

Takin' a moment to socialize with a friend. Yep, in the middle of the program.

He was really feelin' it here, deep down inside. And, no, I didn't just catch him with his eyes closed, he was hamming it up for the song.

Squirrel!

Startin' to get bored and itchy.

Second wind!

Bored and itchy again....

I'm not sure, but I think he was trying to send me an urgent message with his eyes here.

Motions? LM had his very own apparently, too bad nobody else got the memo.

Handy how those ears hold up his hat!

I love how this kid marches to the beat of his own drum. (Claps to his own beat, too. Although I prefer to call it syncopation.) He's definitely one of my favorite forms of entertainment-- yeah, I'm pretty blessed!

A Few Good Quotes

LM is home sick today. Nasty cough. Honestly, he's kinda crampin' my style. He wants stuff like snacks, beverages, entertainment...what does he think this is-- school? I told him he's far too sick to be prancing around the house playing with toys and that he'd better go get into bed for a nap. It, uh, worked. No, really-- he's actually down in bed right now resting. Sheesh, poor thing, he must be sick!

Looks like Mama has a few minutes to post on her blog! (Don't worry, I'll check on him in a few hours to make sure he's doin' okay down there. Just kiddin', he'd never let me off for that long.)

1. LM: (helping me in the kitchen, making dinner) "Want me to get the crap pot for you?"

Me: "The what?!"

LM: "The crap pot."

(I think that must be a cross between a crock pot and a...? Either that or he was anticipating some distressing bowel issues after the meal and just wanted to be prepared.)

2. LM: (when asked by hubby to pick up his toys) "Ugh-- Dad! You're making me frustrated! Now, I'm as angry as a rhino!"

(Watch out, hubs! We've all seen "When Rhinos Attack"-- and it ain't pretty.)

3. LM: (when hubby denied his request to have the dog sleep on his bed) "I have an idea! Let's let the one who made us in their tummy and suffered all that pain decide. Hey, Mom-- that's you!"

(This raises a couple questions: first of all, do I really make that big a deal about how much labor hurts? Hmmm, yes, yes I do. Second of all, why can't we default to this sort of logic in every decision making process? I think LM is onto something here!)

4. LM: (while in a serious wrestling match with hubby) "Alright, Dad, I'm gonna go koala on you now!"

(I believe hubby's terrified response was, "Oh no! Not koala!")

5. Ruby Jane: "Hey LM, do you want me to get you a cupcake from my class cupcake sale?"

LM: (pondering the offer grimly before deciding) "No, 'cause cupcakes are too fatty and I hafta watch my muffin top. And I need to eat, well, healthy."

(How does an 8-year old boy even know about muffin tops, let alone be concerned about having one? I'm a failure as a mother!)

6. LM: (trying to get me to buy hotdogs, obviously forgetting his plans for healthy eating) "Mom, I do like meat a lot-- especially when it's round."

(Funny, I would say the exact opposite: the more contrived the shape meat is in, the less likely I am to want it.)

7. Hubby: (to Ruby Jane) "If you can't say anything, don't say anything at all!"

(Wiser words were never spoken! Way to impart that wisdom to the kiddos, hon!)

8. LM: (pretending to answer the phone) "LM Yerbiznus, residence speaking."

(Soooo close! In fact, I may even prefer his way.)

Dang, this kiddo is hungry again! How does he last at school all day eating only one meal? Well, folks, duty calls. Perhaps I will find some round meat for him to enjoy.

C'mon Kids, Lock Those Knees!

There is perhaps only one thing more painful than attending an elementary choir/recorder concert. And that is sitting next to a grandma who likes to sing along with the children, whether or not she knows the songs well enough. And to make matters worse (or at least far less entertaining), none of the kids actually fell off the risers during the performance-- although a few came pretty close.

But on the bright side; it was all over in about 45 minutes and I got to sit next to my buddy during that time! (Still, I can't help but think that a good ol' fashioned fainting would have really enlivened the evening.)

Birds And Bees, Please

Every Monday I pick LM up from school early so we can go to his occupational therapy appointment. Today as he was traipsing down the hall toward me, he had some exciting news:

"Hey Mom! Brylie told me how babies are made-- sex!"

Giggles erupted from eavesdropping parents hanging around the office. I was momentarily dumbfounded. "Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy," was all I managed to eek out. We made our way out the door and I tried to gather my wits about me for the impending discussion.

"Did he tell you what sex is?"

"Nope! Hey Mom, can you have another baby?"

"Well...no...."

"Why? Is your sex broken?"

"Ummmmmm, no." (My mind was reeling for a way to take charge of this conversation and fast!) "It's true that sex makes babies. But daddy had an operation done so that we can't have any more."

"Ohhhhh-- 'cause he had too much of sex?"

I couldn't contain myself and burst out laughing. Why do I suck at these conversations??

"No, buddy. Sex isn't a thing, it's something that mommies and daddies do. It's private and I don't want you to talk about it with your classmates. If you have questions you can ask Mom and Dad anytime."

Thank heavens for small mercies, the boy didn't have any further questions for me at the moment. (Phew!) He seemed not at all interested in the specific mechanics of sex, which is just as well-- I have no idea how to go about explaining that to my obsession-prone aspie. And to expect him to keep that fascinating information to himself would be asking entirely too much. All of you with young children should be aware that the moment my son gains this exciting knowledge is the moment he will share it-- in detail-- with your wee ones. I accept no responsibility for this!

But for now, your children's ears are safe...relatively speaking. The fact is, LM now knows the word "sex". Yeah, scratch that, your children are about to get educated.

You're welcome! :)

Balder-wha?

I really need to have guests over more often-- and I say this for a number of reasons. First of all, my floor gets vacuumed and my toilet receives a wipe-down, and this is definitely cause for celebration. Second of all, I get to eat a real dinner. You know, not just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a bowl of oatmeal. I mean a real dinner with, like, all the food groups and everything. Thirdly, it's an excuse to get rid of the kids. (Errr...I mean, bless grandma with their cherub-like presence.)

But you know the best reason to have guests over? Balderdash. I laughed, I cried, I learned useless facts I will never remember. But I tell ya, you get insight into people's innermost beings when you hear their imaginary definitions of obscure words. (I can't tell you what I learned about my brother-in-law-- you'll have to play the game with him yourself sometime. One word: quirky.) And it certainly didn't hurt that all the folks sitting around the table were highly intelligent and creative sorts (ummm, myself excluded)-- they probably would have made a game of Go-Fish seem like an inventive pursuit.

Yet, just like Cinderella after the ball, my carriage has turned back into a pumpkin (amazing how fast kids can do that to a clean-ish house). And I think it might be pancakes for dinner again tonight. But to those folks who provided such rich, grown-up entertainment on Friday-- thank you for the fond memories (and the clean toilet).

Dumb And Bummer

Well, I warned you that I may have something to post about our home improvement projects this week-- and looks like I do! I'd like to present two photos. Can you see the difference in the them? Take a close look; it's the same wall in the same room, but....

See it? Yes, that's right-- they're different colors!

What's the big deal, you ask? Well, the first picture is the color I painted the wall on accident. Two coats. Completely finished. I kept looking at it thinking, I'm surprised I picked "antique white" for an accent wall...but oh well! The second picture is the color I had to repaint the wall after I'd double-checked my order and discovered the correct can of "baquette" paint. Two more coats.

This, needless to say, made me extremely grumpy. And I may have said a few things to the wall that I later regretted. But, the wall graciously chose not to hold it against me. And I'm happy to say we're on fine terms now.

Now to put the house back in order.... Can I have another spring break, please?

Sin Cerealy, Nona

Note to self: when writing an email it's always very important to do a quick proofread before sending it off. That way, when you accidentally type "Hellp!" instead of "Hello!", you won't alarm your recipient.

April Fool

LM has been giving us a bit of a run for our money lately. He's been taking a keen interest in tormenting his sister-- and she is an all-too-willing victim. It can get as ridiculous as the following: LM: "Hey Ruby, look at the blue grass outside!" Ruby: "It's not blue-- it's green." LM: (smiling impishly) "Nah-uh-- it's blue!" Ruby: (nostrils flaring) "LM, quit lying! It's green! Look outside-- does that look blue to you?" LM: (almost giddy with delight) "Yep." Ruby: (foaming) "Moooooom! Make LM stop saying that! Tell him to say the grass is green!" Eventually it ends with Ruby delivering a solid right hook to her brother's noggin as LM crumples to the floor in a dramatic heap.

So.... Who gets in more trouble? The one who is deliberately pushing buttons, or the one whose buttons are on hair-trigger switches? Or is the proper response the one that appeals to me most-- to run and hide in my closet until they both eventually go away? Er...not that I've ever done that, of course....

1. LM: "I passed the next level of math time tests!"

Me: "Awesome!" (And then more skeptically) "You didn't cheat, did you?"

LM: "Yep!"

Me: "But LM, cheating is wrong."

LM: (happy as a clam) "I just love cheating!"

(Don't worry, folks, he has confessed his sins to his teacher who is now keeping an extra eye on his test-taking. It's kinda hard to lead a life of waywardness when you can't manage to lie.... Phew!)

2. Ruby: (looking in a catch-all bin and noticing its newly organized state) "Is Auntie here?"

Me: (in mock offense) "No!"

Ruby: (shocked) "You did this?!"

Me: (meekly) "No.... Auntie was here yesterday...."

(Dang!)

3. The Bopper: "You ever have a naked lady?"

Her Mom: "A what?!"

The Bopper: "A naked lady! Ya ever have one?"

Her Mom: (puzzled).

The Bopper: (grabbing her ukulele) "THIS!"

4. Me: "What happens when you get bigger than me?"

LM: "I don't know.... You ride around on my back?"

(I may just take him up on that offer someday.)

5. Mister: "Ruby, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a big girl like you!"

(Probably didn't help that Ruby had just painted his fingernails pink-- per his request. But I'm thinking next time we'll just steer him toward a nice, manly sword fight with LM instead.)

6. LM: (looking at our dog's drooly jowls) "Ewwwww! What's with this organic's slime?"

(In Transformer world anything non-robotic is referred to as organic.)

7. This next one's from my dad-- and with permission I am reposting it here word for word as emailed to me:

"LM barges into the bathroom while I’m standing there with a towel wrapped around me after getting out of the shower… He looks at my stomach and says, 'Looks like you’ve lost some!' I can’t help but smile, feeling a little redemption after his last comment about my girth a couple months ago. ('Popi, I think you’re a little bit fat…') Then he steps back to get a better look and adds, 'Now you just need to get a little muscle.' (I’m hoping he’s comparing my physique to a Transformer and not the average almost 59 year old grandpa…) But wait, he’s not done… He promptly marches into our closet, looks at Nini’s clothes hanging there and says, 'Hey Nini, did you keep Grandma Bernie’s clothes???'"

(There goes LM, boosting others' egos again!)

For those of you on Spring Break next week-- enjoy! For us it means house projects (and sometimes that translates into blog posts). Wish me luck! :)

Science Unfair!

Hubby owes me. Owes me big.

"Hey Nona, how'd you like to be one of the judges for the 6th grade Science Fair? It's easy. I'll give you a rubric and instructions and Starbucks!"

What hubby failed to mention is that it would take me most of the school day to get through only half of what I was supposed to, and that they would be well...rather atrocious, honestly. Perhaps my expectations exceeded that which an average 12-year old can produce, or perhaps projects with names like "Sticky Crystals" really are as bad as they sound.

I did learn a few things, however. Important things I'd like to now share with you. (Knowledge not shared is knowledge wasted, after all.)

1. When bullets are shot into a phone book they look less like bullets and more like smashed pieces of metal.

2. It is no longer necessary to crack an egg to remove the yolk and white-- simply soak it in acid and the shell will dissolve right off! (A cook's tip for ya!)

3. Replacing candle wicks with shoelaces does not make for a romantic ambiance when lit. And, on a worse note, there goes your running shoes.

4. Don't buy Revlon liquid foundation. Just...don't.

5. Baby chicks can be dyed all sorts of colors. It still remains to be seen whether they can be flavored. I'd like a coconut-curry chick, please!

6. If you boil maple syrup and then freeze it, you may discover some crystals-- but how does that help your pancake situation? Two words: it doesn't.

7. Alka-seltzer will re-energize flat pop (and make it taste deliciously like medicine!).

8. Next time your child complains they are afraid of the dark, simply place a lightbulb in their mouth and hand them a balloon to rub on their head-- instant night light!

9. If you attempt to grow a plant in a jar upside-down and without soil, it will die.

10. A burning question is answered: Oreos and pureed kiwi are not a good flavor combination. And to think I might have tried it!

But the biggest disappointment? I did not see one, no not one, erupting volcano. Is that even legal? All I know is that if hubby thinks he's paid the debt with a measly tall Chai tea, he's has grossly underestimated how much he owes me. I'm thinkin' we need to head back to Starbucks....