Darn Donkeys!

Most of you (all of you??) know that my son has Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. (You didn't think all that hilarity of LM's came outta nowhere, did you?) Anyway, I've discovered that the general population remains fairly ignorant about Asperger's-- what it is and how it presents itself. (Hint: there is no mold-- Asperger's comes in many different shapes and sizes.) And sometimes when we're out in public people will openly stare in disapproval and even (gasp!) comment on our son's behavior (or try and correct him themselves). I find that prettttty annoying. So last time we were in to see the doc who diagnosed him, I asked her what I should say to these rude people. "Tell them he's autistic!" she exclaimed, clearly disgusted by the nerve of some folks. But I kept dreaming up better, more creative responses. I can't help it...it's how I'm wired. So here are some examples of the types of things people say, and how I imagine us responding to them-- of course, we've never actually said any of this stuff...yet:

Person: (scowling after LM has just run into her because, well, LM also has coordination disorder) "Watch out! You shouldn't be letting your son run-- this is a church, not a playground!"

Me: "You're right. He's got Ass Burgers, though, so sometimes he gets a little crazy."

Person: "Asperger's, huh?"

Me: "No, A-S-S-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. When he was younger we went to this 'upscale' restaurant, and unbeknownst to us they were making their patties out of donkey meat. He hasn't been the same ever since. So I've been on a crusade the last four years to eliminate donkey meat from every restaurant in the country, but it hasn't been easy-- it's a big chef conspiracy you know. But I'm really glad I got this chance to warn you-- don't ever let your kids eat Ass Burgers! I am telling you it is dangerous stuff, my friend. Dangerous stuff."

Me: (after LM has just said something very inappropriate) "Sorry about that! We never quite know what's gonna come out of his mouth!"

Person: "Hmph!"

Me: "Yeah, autistic kids sometimes need help learning how to use a filter-- we're working on it."

Person: (skeptical) "He doesn't look autistic."

Me: "I know. It's the plastic surgery we had done. He looks so much like a real boy, doesn't he? But it's plastic-- all of it. Insurance didn't cover the operation, of course, so we'll be paying for it until we die-- but it's worth every penny just to hear you say that."

Ruby's friend: "Your brother's a freak!"

Ruby: "Yeah, isn't it cool? We bought him from the circus when he was a baby. He was the bearded lady and fire-eating man's love child. We got a great discount because he already had a moustache at 3-months old-- but we figured with all the money we were saving we could just buy an electric razor. And, besides, he's so cheap to feed-- eats lit birthday candles. Man, I love that kid!"

LM's classmate: (direct quote from today at an after school event) "I don't want to sit next to weird LM-- he's annoying!"

Hubby: "I am so relieved to hear you say that, kiddo. Because when I walked in here I asked myself, 'now where should LM sit?' and I saw this super cool little boy-- do you see him over there? Yeah, that's him. Well, he's the nicest kid I've ever met, and I always tell LM, 'LM, aim high-- don't waste your time on mean little boys!' So you've really helped me out a lot here, bud. Thanks for not letting him sit next to you-- that woulda been a real bummer."

Too snarky? Well, if you can come up with something better, do share! :)