Hey, It's Not January Yet

The fact that I've managed to polish off about half a bag of dried mangos in the last 2 days may not bode well for my soon-to-be New Year's diet. Hey, they're addictive-- and I gotta get rid of 'em before January 1st! Can't have stuff like that lying around the house, after all.... So excuse me please, there's about half a bag left and only 1 day to go-- I gotta bit of work to do here.

Mmmmmmmmmmm!

Wiki-Leak

Unless you are a member of my family who is also living in my city, you're probably not aware of another, top secret, blog I have. Actually, it's not really my blog seeing as any of my local family members can post on it (and do!). I would share the address with you, but then I'd have to kill you-- and I really want to avoid that. I'm just too tender for jail. So, why am I even telling you about this other exclusive blog? No, not because I'm exceedingly rude (right? right?), but because it will explain the following post I am about to share. (It will also give you a lotta insight into where I get my particularly sense of humor.) See, my dad wrote it, and with his permission I am reposting an excerpt here. (And by the way, I highly recommend that you all start your own exclusive family blog-- it is just way too much fun!)

Just last night I realized that wearing my shirts untucked might not be hiding my increasing girth as well as I had thought. Ruby and LM spent the night and while in the tight quarters of the laundry room with LM, trying to fetch something for him from the closet there, I turned and brushed him with my stomach... just a little brush, that's all.

LM: "Whoa Popi! Your stomach is... (searching for the right words) a little overflowing there!" (Hilarious background laughter from Nini who is joyfully taking all this in...)

The look on my face must have indicated to LM that he was skating on thin ice because he immediately began fishing for a better set of words to communicate his surprise. "I mean, you need to lose a little weight!" (Nini is no less entertained by this new phraseology.)

Seeing that he's getting nowhere, LM decides to somewhat gently cut to the chase, "Popi, I mean you're a little fat."

OK, that does it. I think that is the first time in my 58 years that I've been called fat, even if "a little" fat.

B.M. Or T.M.I?

For some reason my little family has decided they no longer see the value in regular toilet flushing. More often than not these days, I can't visit the facilities without finding a hidden surprise when I get there. But I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they've simply begun a new green movement in our home (that they just forgot to tell me about). Except that's a little misleading, seeing as most of the movements I'm finding are of a distinctly different color.... Yeah, as much as I love Mother Earth, I think I'm gonna have to reinstate flushing.

Holiday Quotes

Truly, I find it amazing that I have time to throw up any posts at the moment. (Yikes, that didn't come out the way I wanted it to.) But the fact is: the reason I have time is because I'm avoiding the other more important things that I really should be doing instead. Can I get an "amen, sister"?

1. LM: (not wanting me to sit next to him) "Ugh, Mom! I need my personal space!"

(I've discovered my son is rather like a cat-- he's only affectionate when he feels like it, otherwise he has no need for you.)

2. LM: (after having laid a big smooch on my lips, he smiles) "Does that make you want to buy me a new Buzz Lightyear toy?"

(See what I mean? A cat.)

3. LM: (said very formally as I picked him up from school) "Well, hello my good friend!"

4. LM: (playing with his new "pooping Santa" toy-- which I did not buy for him) "Ho-ho-ho! Merrrrrrrrry Christmas! Who wants some poop?"

5. LM: (after I'd informed him that homework comes before TV) "Mom, have you lost your mind? I already worked really hard today!"

6. Ruby Jane: (while setting up our Christmas tree hubby asked her to put the tree skirt on) "Oh, so it's a girl!"

7. Ruby Jane: (to hubby after he dropped a glass ball, shattering it) "Daddy broke an ornament-- what kind of maturity is that?"

(I had just gotten done lecturing the kids on being careful with the ornaments, so they took particular delight in the fact that their father was having the hardest time.)

8. The Bopper: "Carson's still a dog. But what will she be when she grows up?"

(Hmmmm, an older, stinkier, fatter, naughtier dog I suppose.)

9. Ruby Jane: (after I had said something she thought was particularly corny) "Don't worry Mom, someday I'll find a good mental institution for you to live in."

(Not if I commit you first, sweetie!)

10. LM: (singing an impromptu song in my honor) "I love Mom! She's a fine old woman!"

(Ummmm...thank you?)

11. LM: (as our dog was barking her head off at something outside, LM was inspired to get all "Lassie" on us) "What is it, girl?"

Well, I'm now off for a little "chaser" workout after this morning's jog. I'm not a fanatical exerciser or anything, but if you'd seen how much divinity I ate yesterday (curse you, holiday treats! Curse you!) you'd understand why this is so necessary. I'd like to keep my overall holiday weight-gain under 10 pounds, after all.... And if I don't post again before, I'd like to wish you all a wonderful Christmas! (Ahhhh, who am I kidding? I'll post before then.)

A Thousand Words....

He only thought he was going to be able to come home and relax. But 4 children and a dog had other plans. Plans not to prosper him, but to harm him.... Don't kid yourself, though, he's lovin' every second. (Deep, deep, deep, way deep down inside, anyway.) Uh, you're gonna wanna zoom in on this one.

Bad Pizza

It was very early this morning that I was having a rather...awkward dream. In it, a friend had just started dating a girl and wanted to prove this fact to us by making out with said girl right in front of our faces. Okaaaay. Well, the sound of their sloppy kissing was nauseating-- literally. "Stop kissing!" I cried, and began to gag in my dream. I then started dry heaving but mercifully popped awake, stomach in knots. And after I awoke I noticed the distinct sound of our dog licking herself silly. Big, wet, juicy licks all up and down her haunches. So that's where the lovely sound-effects for my dream came from! Of all the things my mind could have come up with instead of messy kissing.... But of course that's exactly how it chose to assimilate those sounds. (What is wrong with me??)

Somehow I don't think I'll be able to look at this friend the same way ever again. (Or at least for a very long while.) And the next time he announces his dating status, I think I'd better be ready with a Tums just in case.

Okay, I Admit It-- I Over Ate!

A few weeks ago I was hired as a very part-time employee at the church I attend (I don't even want to hear the word nepotism, gosh darnitall!). Anyway, I act as support for a team who develops partnerships with various local and international organizations who advocate for the needs of the poor and disadvantaged. I have to tell you; I love it.

And I have co-workers now! I haven't had those in...ages. So the other day when I stepped foot in the office for a little meeting (woohoo! Meetings! I have meetings now!) with my boss (woohoo! I have a boss! I have two bosses! Probably even more!) I took the time to chat up some of the aforementioned co-workers. They're all so nice, see.

Mr. C: "Hi! You sure look like you enjoyed Thanksgiving!"

Me: (looking down at myself) "Does it show on my hips or something?"

Mr. A: "Are you calling her fat?"

Mr. C: "No! I'm talking about the pictures on your blog!"

Ah, yes, that makes sense. Indeed the pictures depicted a raucous good time. But then Mr. A (whose parents both happen to be privy to this here blog-- hint, hint) took up the baton where Mr. C had left off.

Mr. A: "So, Nona, is that a perm or did you just have a long morning?"

Mr. C: (emitting a knowing guffaw).

Me: "Is it that bad? Sheesh, you guys-- I'm gonna get a complex!"

Mr. A: "No! I meant that it takes a really long time for girls to curl their hair in the morning!"

Ah, yes, that makes sense too. Indeed it would have taken a long time if I'd curled every strand by hand. Alright, so I haven't just been called fat and ugly. This is a good thing.

So I bid my co-workers good day and controlled my sudden urge to find a mirror for a swift inspection. I think I have now been officially indoctrinated in the art of office chitchat-- either that or I fell prey to some sort of newbie hazing ritual. But one thing's for sure, I'm wearing a burka next time I come in.

Whopper Thursday

The quotes have been adding up lately-- and we'll get to them! But first, I have to share a delightful story about a man who thought his wife was being silly, but realized quickly (after eating a bit of humble pie) that his wife was actually prudent and wise.

Our street hasn't been plowed at all yet. And this morning I watched car after car get stuck at one end of the road or the other (a tow-truck was even called in at one point!). And after attempting to get Ruby to school and nearly getting stuck myself, I decided I wasn't trying that again. Period. Not worth it! Hubby thought I was being ridiculous, though. So he walked home from work and decided to give me a "lesson" about how to drive in heavy, slushy snow. I suggested we take a shovel with us just in case, but hubby assured me this was completely unnecessary. You guys are probably already ahead of me, aren't you? Long story short: we got so stuck it took three men and a truck with a plow attached to get us out.

1. LM: "What's for dinner?"

Me: "How about fish?"

Ruby: "Uggghhhh."

LM: "Ruby, it's our only hope."

2. LM: (trying to get hubby to play in the snow) "C'mon, Dad. Go outside and play with your son!"

3. LM: (coming in from playing out in the snow) "You won't believe what I've been through tonight! Sliding down the slide and crashing.... But the worst part was eating dirty snow!"

(Sounds like at least one of those unfortunate events was preventable.)

4. LM: (offering our pre-dinner prayer) "Thank you God for this food. And thank you for inventing sharks-- they are so cool!"

5. M-i-L: "Would you guys like to watch 'Itsy-Bitsy Bangy'?"

(M-i-L, much to our delight, often gets the titles of movies messed up. And this version of "Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang" was particularly memorable.)

6. LM: (as I was hugging him) "Uh, Mom, I think your boobs are crushing me."

(Well, son, I think "crushing" is a bit too strong a verb for a chest like mine....)

7. LM: (after I'd said no to his request) "But Mom, don't you want to do something nice for your kid?"

(Nope.)

8. Hubby: (to our stubborn boy) "LM, if you don't try a pancake, guess what you can't have?"

LM: (dismayed) "Turkey bacon?"

Hubby: "Yep."

LM: (staring in determination at his pancake) "Must. Eat. Pancake. No. Matter. What!"

9. Hubby: (talking about his sledding experience with the kids) "I hope people are careful sledding-- there are some pretty substantial rocks on that hill."

LM: "Yeah, I almost DIED out there!"

(He's not dramatic or anything.)

10. LM: (trying to convince hubby to watch Toy Story with him) "C'mon Dad, there are some good lessons in here!"

(That's right, kiddo, appeal to your father's educational side.)

11. Ruby: "I was not created out of dust-- I was created out of randomness and sarcasm."

(Uh.... I got news for ya about how exactly you were created-- and dust, randomness or sarcasm had nothing to do with it.)

12. LM: "Mom, do you make a dog with nitrogen and fartrogen?"

Me: "Fartrogen?"

LM: (giggling) "Yeah! And fur and meat and bones!"

(Hmmmm.... I think it's very possible that our dog is made from fartrogen, yes.)

13. Ruby: (commenting on how slow she is to lose teeth) "Does that mean my teeth are strong?"

Me: "Could be-- I might have heard that before."

Ruby: (smiling slyly) "Ah yes, well, parts of my body do tend to be very strong."

(Yeah, like your head!)

14. LM: (as we were talking about his milk intolerance) "But I can still have the milk outta your boobs, right?"

Me: "Um, I don't have milk in there anymore."

LM: "Oh.... That's really funny that you used to!"

(Just wait until you're 18 and think about it then.)

15. LM: (singing) "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas at the bottom of my heart!"

(You have to go all the way down there, eh?)

Whew-- that was a long one! Hope it provided a giggle or two!