A Pox On Us!

Chickenpox, round two!  That's right, LM finally got 'em (three weeks after Ruby's bout).  I can attest to the fact Ruby had them way worse, yet LM is far-and-away the more vigorous complainer and less easily appeased of the two.  Apparently a man's inability to handle sickness starts early in life.  (No offense to any of you macho exceptions out there, of course!)  But c'mon gals, can I get an amen?

1. LM: (trying to get by his sister) "Can I get through?"
Ruby: "No."
LM: "Why?"
Ruby: "Because you exist!"
LM: "What does exist mean?"
Ruby: "It means you're real."
LM: "I can't go through because I'm real?"
(Suddenly, her original proclamation doesn't seem so bitingly witty anymore.)

2. LM: "Mom, let's buy our favorite animal, cut it open, and offer it to God-- you know, like a sacrifice."
Me: "But we don't have to do that anymore.  Jesus came and was the last sacrifice on our behalf."
LM: "Well, Mom, God likes it when we give extra sacrifices."
(Somehow, I don't think dead animals is what He's after.)

3. Me: "LM, your zipper's down."
LM: "Oh, are the horses leaving the barn?"
Me: "...Um...no, they're still in there...."
(I believe the phrase he was looking for was "the barn door's open".  Dang, now I have imagery I need to remove from my head.)

4. LM: (looking at the freshly falling snow outside) "Uh, Mom-- this is a little crazy, but...I think Christmas is coming back!"
(Yeah, in about 10 1/2 months.)

5. LM: (talking about what he'd say if someone bullied Ruby) "If you put a hand on my sister, I'll put a hand on your FACE!!"
(You may know by now that, for better or worse, I don't discourage this sort of talk.)

6. The Mister: (after cracking an egg and missing the bowl entirely, he stares at the mess) "That's not my best work."
(Ah, but I beg to differ....  I believe that may indeed be as good as it gets.)

7. Hubby: (asleep) "Huuuuuuuhhhhh!  There it is-- THANK YOU, JESUS!"
("Thank you, Jesus" being yelled out in a child's sing-song manner.)

8. LM: (playing Clue, and offering a colorful guess) "It was Colonel Mustard, in the Hallway-- he shot the victim dead cold."

9. LM: "Mom, is it true on your second date you have to have French?"
Me: (stunned silent, wondering where he heard about French kissing.)
LM: "Mom! Did you and Dad eat French on your second date?"
Me: (relief flooding over me as I realize he's talking about food) "Oh!  No, we didn't.  You can eat whatever you want on your second date."
(As long as it's not each other's faces.)

10. LM: (having me compare pet weight to people weight) "How much would 2 Carsons weigh?"
Me: "That would be about one Ruby."
LM: "How much would one Carson and one puppy be?"
Me: "About one you."
LM: "How much would 100 Carsons be?"
Me: "Oh, gosh, I don't think---"
LM: "One Popi?"
Me: "Not even close, bud."
(Popi's more like three Carsons and a Chihuahua.)

Have a wonderful day, everyone!  We're about to start yet another movie here-- I've lost count.  (Don't judge me too harshly.)  Apparently my inability to handle the boy's sickness is just as dismal as his own.