I'll Have A Double-Shot, Please

I'm getting gray hair. Aack! It wasn't supposed to start this soon. But regardless, something has to be done about it, and so I thought I'd try to make my own hair dye. (Say what?!) Yes, you heard me right.

I'm sort of a study of contradictions. I'm the lady in the supermarket studying all the food labels to make sure there's no high-fructose corn syrup, partially-hydrogenated oils, artificial colors or flavors, and preservatives in the items I am purchasing. But, that very same day I might buy Jelly Belly beans and microwave popcorn for a special movie night with the fam. Hmmmm.... And how shall I reconcile my love of fair trade items with my occasional compulsion to zip into a Walmart for something cheap? Or what about the fact that I will wash my hair with eggs and Castille soap and condition it with pure Jojoba oil, but the next day I'll walk into the salon to have a chemical straightening procedure? How about this one-- I love homeopathic medicine (or simply taking no meds at all), but if you search my medicine cabinet you will discover one of my favorite nasal congestion remedies (right next to my neti pot); Afrin spray. I exercise regularly, but then I make sure I replace all those lost calories with extra portions of food, thus ensuring I never actually lose any weight. Ugh! How do I live with myself?!

But I digress. We were talking about hair dye. So anyway, I read that applying coffee to your hair will cover gray, and give your mane an energizing boost! (Really? Do they really think my hair will get a caffeine buzz? Come on.) So, naturally I had to try it! 'Cause I like dabbling in granola life, even if I'm a hypocrite of the worst kind. So I brewed some strong coffee, adding cocoa powder and cloves to the mixture, and then combined that with an egg yolk (to thicken it) and apple cider vinegar (as a "fixative"). Next, I proceeded to make a humongous brown mess in the bathroom as I applied this concoction to my hair. I snapped on a shower cap and set the timer for an hour.

Hubby: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Dyeing my hair!"

Hubby: (scowling slightly with suspicion) "With...what?"

Me: (trying to sound as nonchalant as possible) "With coffee and chocolate!"

Hubby: (rolling his eyes) "Why?!"

Me: (acting as though he is the idiot, not me) "To cover my gray hair! Duh!"

But you know what? Not only do I still have gray hair, but now it smells like coffee breath as well. I almost can't stand myself.

So I'll be returning to my old Redken color standby, traitor to the green cause that I am. Hey, I've never pretended to be perfect....