Death By Fire Escape

LM's been a touch obsessed with devising a fire escape plan at our house. Normally I would be thrilled at his initiative, but after hearing his ideas...I'm hoping that we don't experience arson in the near future. I'm pretty sure LM wouldn't die in a house fire-- he'd die trying to escape it.

Here are a few of his ideas:

•  “Dad can get some boards and we’ll nail the boards right by my screen outside my window. Then I can kick in my screen and step on the boards."
•  "If that doesn’t work, I’ll run out onto the deck and jump at the last second."
•  "Then I’ll meet at our meeting spot and we can climb the fence into our neighbor’s yard.”

Yikes. Apparently we've advanced way beyond "Stop, Drop and Roll."

1. LM: (after hubby pinched his booty) "Dad, don't touch my butt-- you don't know where it's been."
(On the contrary-- we know exactly where it's been. It's irresistible regardless.)

2. LM: "Mom, if we don't have money to pay for food, we're going to have to become couponers."
Me: "Nooooooooooo!"
LM: "Well, would you rather starve, or coupon?"
(I actually need to think about that one.)

3. LM: "Get outta my way, bloody dog! ...Mom, is bloody a cuss word?"
Me: "Well, it sort of is-- if you're British."
LM: "Phew! I'm not British."
(Ah, by all means, then, use it with impunity!)

4. LM: "Mom, I'm going to keep my room isolated while I'm gone, which is to say, I'm going to keep it cold."
Me: (???)
(Ohhhh! I get it! ICE-olated.)

5. LM: (watching a bunch of kids dance to French music) "Ugh. I could easily paralyze one of those French mon amis."
(So, I take it he's not impressed....)

6. Me: (watching a little boy sing on TV) "Do you like him, LM?"
LM: "Well...does he have Asperger's?"
Me: "No...I don't think so."
LM: "Oh. He's just okay."
(Ah-ha, I see the measure by which you judge-- and I think I like it!)

7. LM: "Mom, Ruby hit me! I was only mocking her, and Jesus says not to fight back!"
(Uhhhh. I think we're forgetting a few other things Jesus may have said as well.)

And now for a few sleep-talking quotes from hubby:

8. Hubby: (asleep) "Ummm...yeah. Rinse it clean in the bathtub. The buckets too. Mmmmmm-hmmmmmm."
(This is just a snippet from a lengthy monologue he was engaged in-- I couldn't get it all written down in time.)

9. Hubby: (asleep) "Yeah, I have to know how they're doing-- 'cause that's a lot of air, baby!"

10. Hubby: (asleep) "You are so young and beautiful...so young and beautiful."
(All I know is he'd better been dreaming about me!)

That's all I got for now!

Mini Date

Cute little fella, isn't he? My taste usually lies with tall, dark and handsome sorts-- but this short, blonde and adorable kid is exactly my type. He and I ventured out on a date today.

Mister turns 4 this week, and I felt the occasion warranted a special outing. So I called his mom and set up arrangements for the afternoon. I even wore a dress. A dress! After all, a dress is appropriate for the first date with a good-looking guy. (Go ahead and stick with sweats if you'd prefer not to see the gentleman again-- or if your first date is to the gym....)

I picked Mister up and my sister met me at the door.

"Did you get all dressed up just for Mister?" She asked.

"Yep."

"Mister-- what do you say?"

"Thank you."

Uh, you're welcome? In Mister's defense, the question "what do you say?" is almost always a mom's prompt for gratitude. But my sister nudged him, suggesting a different response instead.

"Oh! You look beautiful!"

After putting his carseat in my car (I've never dated a guy who had to sit in a harness in the backseat) and reminding her little man to act like a gentleman, my sister bade us farewell.

Our conversation was...interesting.

"Do you like having your sister gone at school all day, or do you miss her?"

"I like having her gone."

"You know what? When I was little I liked it when your mom went to school and I got to stay home, too."

"I remember that! Even though I wasn't born, I remember."

"Ohhhhhhh."

"Hey Lindsay, why are you always impressed?"

"Impressed?"

"Yeah. You're always impressed."

This question threw me for a loop. I think I'm going to ask an adult why they're always impressed so I can find out how to answer that one.

Hey Susie, why are you always impressed? I'd really like to know.

We arrived at Starbucks and I informed my date he could order anything he wanted.

"Do they have pink milk?"

"Yes!"

"I want pink milk and a pink cake pop."

So that's what he got. (Well, actually, he got 2 pink cake pops-- it's my job as auntie to make sure he gets more than he bargained for.)

Instead of sitting down and chatting, like my usual dating M.O., Mister bounced here and there, finally finding entertainment in shaking the umbrella pole outside.

"Uh, Mister-- you probably shouldn't do that. It might upset the workers here."

"Will they punish us?"

"They might."

"What will they do?" His eyes widen, envisioning heinous torture, no doubt.

"They might make us leave."

"They might make a sleeve?"

I could see him trying to process this unusual form of discipline. I tried to imagine it too. Starbucks employees, feverishly sewing a sleeve to present to us in disapproval of Mister's behavior. Indignantly tossing it in our direction upon its completion. Maybe a short sleeve indicates less anger, and a long sleeve implies you'd better not show your face at this particular Starbucks again. And a whole shirt? You're probably headed for jail. I didn't correct the misunderstanding.

After Starbucks we went to the park, and when he tired of playing alone (Auntie's dress was a bit short for running and jumping) we went to McDonald's for french fries and more play. There he unceremoniously dropped me for two cute little numbers closer to his age. Although, he did take a few breaks to come profess his love to me. Player.

"I love you so much, Auntie!"

"I love you too, Mister!"

"I love you more."

"Not possible-- I love you more."

Then he'd scamper away again. Off with Sophie and Eva-- the tiny date stealers.

At the end of our outing he thanked me. "Can we go again tomorrow?"

"Oh, I'd love to, but I can't, Mister."

"The next day?"

"Tell you what, we'll go out again really soon. Okay?"

"Okay!"

I wonder when it will stop being cool to date his aunt.... I think I have a few more years to enjoy. And after that, I'm not averse kidnapping.

Hab SoSlI Quch!

I'm a little early for Halloween, but I have the perfect opportunity to dress as a Klingon at the moment (although my forehead ridge is a bit off-center).

I ran into a tether ball pole today. Really. Hard.

There I was, enthusiastically waving good-bye to my son as he traipsed into school. Couldn't take my eyes off him in fact-- which explains why I didn't notice the tall metal beam blocking my path.

SMACK!

It took me a second to even realize what I'd done. My bell got rung good. It wasn't until an excited mother came barreling toward me yelling, "Oh my gosh-- are you okay?" that realization dawned.

Quiet, lady! Sheesh, do you want the whole school to know?

"You hit that hard! Those poles don't normally even move, but you made that thing shake!"

I clung to the pole like a drowning girl to a life preserver-- it was the only thing between me and the concrete. But I felt like I needed to convince this gal I was okay (after all, the sooner she left me alone, the less likely others would come flocking to my aid as well). So I let go of the pole and waved my hands around in an attempt to look nonchalant. Epic fail.

"Oh yeah, I got this. I'm good."

But I wasn't good. I believe the term "punch-drunk" would have been an apt way to describe my state. I'm surprised I didn't hug her and profess my undying love.

"Are you gonna faint? 'Cause I'd feel awful if you fainted."

Faint? What a wonderful idea! Why didn't I think of that? Dang, is it too late to try?

I assured her yet again that never in my life had I been better. Why-- cracking my head on metal beams was akin to drinking a stiff espresso! What a way to wake up-- good morning, world!

I toddled home, eyes and nose running, head spinning, embarrassed like heck. I'm sure Miss Good Samaritan watched my progress with a craned neck. I did my best to walk straight.

And what do I have to show for this adventure? A small ridge running down the right side of my forehead, and a cut lip. So I think I may don whatever black patent leather I own and growl at hubby tonight-- because I may never have this natural Klingon look again. (Although I'm sure the Klingons would unceremoniously do away with anyone stupid enough to accidentally brain themselves.)

Ugh. My head hurts.

Er...Yeah, What He Said!

One last weekend before school starts. I'm pretty sure this was the shortest summer on record.

Anyway, I have nine new quotes today. And if you like hubby's sleep-talking bits, then you're in for a real treat-- he's been chatting up a storm.

1. LM: (praying) "And God, please give my dad a job-- because you haven't been treating us very kindly lately."
(I've typed and erased a half dozen parenthetical thoughts here, but I decided this quote just speaks for itself.)

2. LM: (talking about what he'd do if a deer chased him) "I'd stay and fight back! Or maybe just run like a coward...."
(Well, which is it? Those two options are pretty diametrically opposed.)

3. Ruby: "At camp they had Lake Night every night where they'd do funny stuff. And they showed a video called 'Camp Tits'...."
(Say whaaaaaaaaaa?!)
Ruby: (mortified) "Wait a second...I meant 'Camp TIPS'!"
(Good, because for a second there I thought I may have sent her to the wrong camp.)

4. Me: (aghast) "LM, are you using a sharp nail to dig out toe jam?"
LM: (sensing my disapproval) "Mom, I'm not two. I can handle it."
(Okay, Mr. Mature.)

5. Hubby: (asleep) "Sheesh! Just slam yourself down a little harder there, hmmmmmmmmmm?"

6. Hubby: (asleep) "Lindsay, you need to explain that. You said that out loud like a champion. What?"

7. Hubby: (asleep-- putting his hand on my hip) "Ahhhh! It's a rocky spot right here!"
(At least he said "rocky" and not "fluffy".)

8. Hubby: (asleep) "The cops wanna find out what happened first. Then they'll probably write a ticket...at least."

9. Hubby: (asleep) "Gross...negative."

I so wish I knew what he was dreaming about sometimes....

I'm Serious...No, Really!

I thought perhaps I'd try to write something serious for a change. You know, to show another deeper side of me. 'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want anyone to think I'm a one-trick-pony, or that I don't have the needed maturity to tackle challenging subject matter.

So I'll just share what's been on my mind lately. I'm gonna freestyle a bit here, so bear with me as my profound thoughts flow freely from brain to screen.

Shame. Shame and prejudice. The shame that accompanies prejudice. Ugly, shameful prejudicity...prejudiceness...prejudicism...oh, whatever.

I feel I can speak out on this topic because I have a wart on my elbow. Now hear me out; this is a really ugly wart. (I would post a picture, but when I googled "warts"...{shudder}. Free advice: do not google warts.) Anyway, I've had it for at least 5 years now. My doctor says the wart will go away on its own, and if growing exponentially larger is part of this "going away" process, then she is absolutely right.

I've tried numerous remedies. Kombucha, garlic, tea tree oil, prescription wart remover, OTC wart remover, nitrogen, canola oil, and now, duct tape. This thing is stubborn like nobody's business!

You're asking what any of this has to do with shame and prejudice. I'm not exactly sure.... Hey, I said this was going to be free-style!

Okay, okay, I'll tie this all together. Just give me a sec.... Ah-ha! I feel shamed by the prejudice I experience from this wart. You should see how kids stare at it! I mean, it's sooooo shameful.

Ach. Never mind. I can't do it....

Hiiiiiiiiii-YA!

Holy cow it's been a busy week. But that's neither here nor there....

LM went back-to-school shopping with hubby's mom tonight. And I'm almost 100% sure I will regret allowing him to keep some of his selections, including this one:

Yes, that is a jacket. A ninja jacket. The hood zips all the way down his face to give that charming criminal look. But how do I say no to this face?

I can't.

Anyway, I have some quotes today:

1. Bopper: (on the phone with me) "Auntie, I lost two teeth!"
Me: "I know!"
Bopper: "I'm just soooo cute!"
(Two teeth gone; self-esteem still very present.)

2. LM: "...and then one dinosaur took the guy's legs in his mouth, and the other dinosaur took the other end of him and ripped him in two...."
Me: (interrupting) "Yikes!"
LM: "Actually, it was pretty godly to share their human."
(Yep, no doubt about it, those dinosaurs must have been Christians! Wait....)

3. Mister: "Ruby, you know, I'm just like God."
Ruby: "Why, Mister?"
Mister: "Because I eat bread."
(Well, if that's all there is to it, I have arrived!)

4. LM: "Dad can't even make the velociraptor sound-- like in Jurassic Park. But if we got a resonating chamber for him, he'd love it!"
(Amazon.com has those, right?)

5. Me: (to Bopper) "Carson sure likes you!" (Carson is our ancient Boxer.)
Bopper: "Yeah, I give her good rubbers."
(Yikes...can we please just call it petting instead?)

6. Me: "Will you grab me that book, Monkey Butt?"
LM: (trying to clarify this odd new term) "Are you calling me the monkey and Carson the butt?"
Me: "No. But Carson does smell like a butt...and you smell like a monkey."
LM: "But Mom, monkeys smell like butts, too."
Me: "Oh, I guess you might be right. Sorry about that, Monkey Butt."
LM: "Mooooooooommmm!"
(It must be hard having a mom who is barely more mature than you are....)

7. LM: (after I'd been reading to him for an hour) "Keep reading!"
Me: "I can't anymore, bud. My voice is tired."
LM: "Mom, I don't think in studies they've ever found that voices can be tired."
(His Aspie literalness...gets me every time.)

8. Me: 'LM, please go wash your hands before dinner."
LM: (hucks a loogie into his hands and rubs 'em together).
Me: "Uh, no, go wash them for real."
(I have no words....)

9. Hubby: (asleep) "Hands-offy! Too many times people reach for that stinkin' math! I said hands-OFF! That'll teach 'em."

10. LM: "Dad, I don't like it when you do all that explaining stuff. It annoys me."
(By "explaining" he of course meant "lecturing". And kids all around the world cheered.)

Well, that's it for today, folks!

Honest And Open

I have 10 random confessions I need to get off my chest. You know, in case these dirty little secrets of mine change whether or not we can still be friends. In the interest of full-disclosure, I feel you should have all the facts about me:

1. Bacon. I believe I find it repulsive. In fact, just thinking about it right now makes me wanna yak a little in my mouth.

2. I like naughty children. Not too naughty, mind you. Just naughty enough to make me giggle.

3. I routinely stare at people, and then pretend I was just gazing off into space if they catch me. I specifically like to look at hair, shoes and butts. Diagnose that.

4. Coffee tastes like burnt water. I judge the palate of coffee-drinkers and find it wanting. C'mon, don't deny it-- you had to learn how to like that stuff.

5. While it's probably more accurate to say I'm neurotic, obsessive, and borderline reclusive, I prefer to say I have an "artistic temperament". Join me in that little fantasy, will you?

6. I can't stand it when my hands are sticky. If my hands are sticky and we're having a conversation, I'm not listening to a word you're saying. There is only one thing running through my mind, "Let me gooooooo! I need to get to a sink STAT!"

7. I find poop, fart, burp, and other junior-high humor hilarious. If you don't, I will probably offend you at some point.

8. I think it's hilarious when people fall. Realizing this is not socially acceptable, I've trained myself to laugh in my head instead. It's genetic.

9. I am one half granola/green/hippy, and one half...whatever the opposite of that is. I am not disturbed by the hypocrisy in this.

10. I still run up the basement stairs so the monsters can't catch me.

Soooooo, do you still like me?