C'mon Kids, Lock Those Knees!

There is perhaps only one thing more painful than attending an elementary choir/recorder concert. And that is sitting next to a grandma who likes to sing along with the children, whether or not she knows the songs well enough. And to make matters worse (or at least far less entertaining), none of the kids actually fell off the risers during the performance-- although a few came pretty close.

But on the bright side; it was all over in about 45 minutes and I got to sit next to my buddy during that time! (Still, I can't help but think that a good ol' fashioned fainting would have really enlivened the evening.)

Birds And Bees, Please

Every Monday I pick LM up from school early so we can go to his occupational therapy appointment. Today as he was traipsing down the hall toward me, he had some exciting news:

"Hey Mom! Brylie told me how babies are made-- sex!"

Giggles erupted from eavesdropping parents hanging around the office. I was momentarily dumbfounded. "Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy," was all I managed to eek out. We made our way out the door and I tried to gather my wits about me for the impending discussion.

"Did he tell you what sex is?"

"Nope! Hey Mom, can you have another baby?"

"Well...no...."

"Why? Is your sex broken?"

"Ummmmmm, no." (My mind was reeling for a way to take charge of this conversation and fast!) "It's true that sex makes babies. But daddy had an operation done so that we can't have any more."

"Ohhhhh-- 'cause he had too much of sex?"

I couldn't contain myself and burst out laughing. Why do I suck at these conversations??

"No, buddy. Sex isn't a thing, it's something that mommies and daddies do. It's private and I don't want you to talk about it with your classmates. If you have questions you can ask Mom and Dad anytime."

Thank heavens for small mercies, the boy didn't have any further questions for me at the moment. (Phew!) He seemed not at all interested in the specific mechanics of sex, which is just as well-- I have no idea how to go about explaining that to my obsession-prone aspie. And to expect him to keep that fascinating information to himself would be asking entirely too much. All of you with young children should be aware that the moment my son gains this exciting knowledge is the moment he will share it-- in detail-- with your wee ones. I accept no responsibility for this!

But for now, your children's ears are safe...relatively speaking. The fact is, LM now knows the word "sex". Yeah, scratch that, your children are about to get educated.

You're welcome! :)

Balder-wha?

I really need to have guests over more often-- and I say this for a number of reasons. First of all, my floor gets vacuumed and my toilet receives a wipe-down, and this is definitely cause for celebration. Second of all, I get to eat a real dinner. You know, not just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a bowl of oatmeal. I mean a real dinner with, like, all the food groups and everything. Thirdly, it's an excuse to get rid of the kids. (Errr...I mean, bless grandma with their cherub-like presence.)

But you know the best reason to have guests over? Balderdash. I laughed, I cried, I learned useless facts I will never remember. But I tell ya, you get insight into people's innermost beings when you hear their imaginary definitions of obscure words. (I can't tell you what I learned about my brother-in-law-- you'll have to play the game with him yourself sometime. One word: quirky.) And it certainly didn't hurt that all the folks sitting around the table were highly intelligent and creative sorts (ummm, myself excluded)-- they probably would have made a game of Go-Fish seem like an inventive pursuit.

Yet, just like Cinderella after the ball, my carriage has turned back into a pumpkin (amazing how fast kids can do that to a clean-ish house). And I think it might be pancakes for dinner again tonight. But to those folks who provided such rich, grown-up entertainment on Friday-- thank you for the fond memories (and the clean toilet).

Dumb And Bummer

Well, I warned you that I may have something to post about our home improvement projects this week-- and looks like I do! I'd like to present two photos. Can you see the difference in the them? Take a close look; it's the same wall in the same room, but....

See it? Yes, that's right-- they're different colors!

What's the big deal, you ask? Well, the first picture is the color I painted the wall on accident. Two coats. Completely finished. I kept looking at it thinking, I'm surprised I picked "antique white" for an accent wall...but oh well! The second picture is the color I had to repaint the wall after I'd double-checked my order and discovered the correct can of "baquette" paint. Two more coats.

This, needless to say, made me extremely grumpy. And I may have said a few things to the wall that I later regretted. But, the wall graciously chose not to hold it against me. And I'm happy to say we're on fine terms now.

Now to put the house back in order.... Can I have another spring break, please?

Sin Cerealy, Nona

Note to self: when writing an email it's always very important to do a quick proofread before sending it off. That way, when you accidentally type "Hellp!" instead of "Hello!", you won't alarm your recipient.

April Fool

LM has been giving us a bit of a run for our money lately. He's been taking a keen interest in tormenting his sister-- and she is an all-too-willing victim. It can get as ridiculous as the following: LM: "Hey Ruby, look at the blue grass outside!" Ruby: "It's not blue-- it's green." LM: (smiling impishly) "Nah-uh-- it's blue!" Ruby: (nostrils flaring) "LM, quit lying! It's green! Look outside-- does that look blue to you?" LM: (almost giddy with delight) "Yep." Ruby: (foaming) "Moooooom! Make LM stop saying that! Tell him to say the grass is green!" Eventually it ends with Ruby delivering a solid right hook to her brother's noggin as LM crumples to the floor in a dramatic heap.

So.... Who gets in more trouble? The one who is deliberately pushing buttons, or the one whose buttons are on hair-trigger switches? Or is the proper response the one that appeals to me most-- to run and hide in my closet until they both eventually go away? Er...not that I've ever done that, of course....

1. LM: "I passed the next level of math time tests!"

Me: "Awesome!" (And then more skeptically) "You didn't cheat, did you?"

LM: "Yep!"

Me: "But LM, cheating is wrong."

LM: (happy as a clam) "I just love cheating!"

(Don't worry, folks, he has confessed his sins to his teacher who is now keeping an extra eye on his test-taking. It's kinda hard to lead a life of waywardness when you can't manage to lie.... Phew!)

2. Ruby: (looking in a catch-all bin and noticing its newly organized state) "Is Auntie here?"

Me: (in mock offense) "No!"

Ruby: (shocked) "You did this?!"

Me: (meekly) "No.... Auntie was here yesterday...."

(Dang!)

3. The Bopper: "You ever have a naked lady?"

Her Mom: "A what?!"

The Bopper: "A naked lady! Ya ever have one?"

Her Mom: (puzzled).

The Bopper: (grabbing her ukulele) "THIS!"

4. Me: "What happens when you get bigger than me?"

LM: "I don't know.... You ride around on my back?"

(I may just take him up on that offer someday.)

5. Mister: "Ruby, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a big girl like you!"

(Probably didn't help that Ruby had just painted his fingernails pink-- per his request. But I'm thinking next time we'll just steer him toward a nice, manly sword fight with LM instead.)

6. LM: (looking at our dog's drooly jowls) "Ewwwww! What's with this organic's slime?"

(In Transformer world anything non-robotic is referred to as organic.)

7. This next one's from my dad-- and with permission I am reposting it here word for word as emailed to me:

"LM barges into the bathroom while I’m standing there with a towel wrapped around me after getting out of the shower… He looks at my stomach and says, 'Looks like you’ve lost some!' I can’t help but smile, feeling a little redemption after his last comment about my girth a couple months ago. ('Popi, I think you’re a little bit fat…') Then he steps back to get a better look and adds, 'Now you just need to get a little muscle.' (I’m hoping he’s comparing my physique to a Transformer and not the average almost 59 year old grandpa…) But wait, he’s not done… He promptly marches into our closet, looks at Nini’s clothes hanging there and says, 'Hey Nini, did you keep Grandma Bernie’s clothes???'"

(There goes LM, boosting others' egos again!)

For those of you on Spring Break next week-- enjoy! For us it means house projects (and sometimes that translates into blog posts). Wish me luck! :)