Guilty!

What?!  No way 2 weeks have passed since I last posted.  But you'll be pleased to know I have been filling my time with important civic duties (aka jury duty).  And to all the people who said, "Don't worry!  You probably won't get selected for anything!" I would like to ask if you forgot to knock on wood after sharing such a delightful prophesy.  'Cause I did get picked.  And it was fascinating.  You know what else is fascinating?  (Okay, that was a lame segue, but we all know they aren't my forte.)  Quotes!

1. LM: (listening to his sister and her friend talk about the biggest baby ever born) "Whoa!  Can you imagine that coming out of the part?"

(We're all trying not to, bud, thanks anyway.)

2. LM: "Why do they call them stepdads?  'Cause they step on people?"

3. LM: (singing at the top of his lungs) "Eat up your kids!  Eat up your kids!  Eat up your kids and have fun!  Kids are tasty!"

(For the record, we do not eat children and never have.  Okay...maybe a little nibble here and there.)

4. Mister: (coming out of the bathroom with a big smile) "Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!  I got my poop on!"

5. Bopper: (reciting the pledge of allegiance, which she is learning in Kindergarten) "I pledge in public of North America, in geo public under God, Erin Divisible and Justin Thaw."

(So. Much. To. Say. Can't. Decide!)

6. LM: "Mom, if this house were a mouth, how much would it eat?"

(Wow-- think about that for a minute.  It's deep!)

7. LM: "Ruby, the boys in your class think I'm really popular, and that makes you really popular."

8. LM: "Mom, did you know that boys are more special than girls in Heaven?  I'm not trying to be rude, but...it's true."

(Ummm, no offense taken...I guess.)

9. LM: (referring to Survivor) "I'm blindsided, too-- I never see anything coming!"

10. Ruby: (listening to LM talk a bit of nonsense) "LM, don't burden me with your horrifying words."

(Okay, Rube, as long as you don't burden the rest of us with your over-adjectivication of thoughts.)

Notice anything missing?  Like, hubby sleep-talking quotes?  Well, Ruby let the cat out of the bag....  Busted!  :)  Maybe I can sneak a few in here or there in the future, but I got nothin' for you this time.

Sad But True...And Hilarious

I was going to write something witty to accompany this little map of the world, but find I cannot improve upon it in the least!  (Well, okay, I would change the verbiage in the yellow European section, but alas, I cannot.  Forgive that part....)

One Word: Yikes

I was introduced to the show "Hoarders" last night.  For your information, I will be busy the rest of today cleaning my entire house.

Decepticon Axels!

I just got done watching 5 hours (count 'em: 5) of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon today.  Why would I spend 5 hours watching a 2 1/2 hour movie, you ask?  Well, the first time was to screen it for the kiddos, carefully inventorying every cuss word and sensual or inappropriate scene (well, except for all the extraordinary violence, that is.  We allow all that-- duh!).  The second time was to watch it with the kiddos, monitoring the time display with one eye, while keeping the other on the fast forward button, my handy-dandy "skip these parts" list in front of me.  Turns out, however, that I missed some naughty words in my careful combing through the first time.  Oopsy.  So if you hear LM calling anyone an "axel" (I didn't bother to correct him), please tell him to watch his filthy mouth.

Folks, I think I've already explained that I'm no longer in the running for the "Mother of the Year" award, need I provide any more proof?  But do I have one deliriously happy 8-year old Transformer fanatic as a result of this censored movie viewing?  Why yes, yes I do.  And as much as I try, I just can't be too sorry for the indulgence.

Shhhhhh!

I have two little gems from hubby to share-- and I was lucky to get them!  As you know, hubby doesn't enjoy the clickety-clacking of my nails on the computer keyboard while he's trying to sleep.  But sometimes the man's so deep in it, he doesn't notice.  Thus, I was able to capture one of my all-time favorite sleep talking quotes recently.  (I swear, I don't make these suckers up.)  I'll even start off with them for those of you who comb through the list to find hubby's contribution first.  I'm all about making your life easier.

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Gotta remember that spirit unicorn thing-- she got some FUNK, man!"
(I lol every time I read this!)

2. Hubby: (asleep-- and this one was so rambling I only got the first two sentences typed out before I could no longer keep up-- he had a LOT to say this particular night) "You see an opening and you're going to climb in it-- that's just the way you are.  Part of me likes that."

3. LM: "Guess what? I kicked Robert in soccer today."
Me: "On purpose?!"
LM: "Don't worry, Mom, nobody saw."
Me: "Nobody?"
LM: "Well, somebody saw-- you know who."
Me: "Jesus?"
LM: "Yeah.  And his father."
Me: "God?"
LM: "Yep."
Me: "Well, then you'd better not do it again!"

4. Ruby: "I was reading my Bible the other day about Jezebel and how she committed sexual immortality...."
(Whoa-- that actually sounds pretty awesome.)

5. LM: (talking about his goals for the future) "I just want to get a Camaro and a good wife."
(Ah, the simple pleasures in life!)

6. Ruby: "Those pictures are stupendous-- they inhale through a straw!"
(Tween translation: "Those pictures are stupid-- they suck!"

7. LM: (after I'd given him a dose of liquid melatonin before bed) "Is there alcohol in this?"
Me: "Ummmm, yes."
LM: "So, I'm allowed to drink alcohol?!"
Me: "No-- this is different because it's like medicine.  There's not enough in one dose to affect you."
LM: "But if I had a cup of it would it?"
Me: "Well, yes."
LM: "Have I had a cup of this in my whole life?"
Me: "If you added up all the doses you've ever had, yeah, probably."
LM: "So, I'm drunk!"
Me: "Uh, no."
LM: "Maybe just a little?"
Me: "No."

8. Me: (asking Ruby about her upcoming 3rd soccer game) "How many goals are you going to score today?"
Ruby: "Probably none."
Me: "Why not?"
Ruby: "Well, after the first and second game, the glory days are over."
(Yeah, you're definitely past your prime, Ruby.)

9. LM: "Mom, when I grow up I'm going to be a government, with a pet shark and a Camaro."
(Now that is thinking big, folks!  Most kids want to be the president-- but how many want to be the entire government??)

10. LM: (insisting that I include one of his jokes on my blog) "Why did the skeleton play the piano?"
Me: "Why?"
LM: "Because he had no organs!"
Me: "Hahahhahahhaaa!"

Anyway, that's it for now.  Here's hoping that tonight I have a dream about the spirit unicorn thing.  She got some funk, man.

Penalty For Popsicle Sticking!

Hubby is relaxing on our couch watching sports and happened to flip the channel briefly to hockey.  I don't know anything about hockey except that whenever I've attended a live game, I'm surrounded by belligerent drunks as two teams of heavily padded men beat the snot out of each other.  And that's why when I heard the term "icing" I had to stop and ponder it for a moment.  I mean, icing doesn't sound like a very manly term for a rough and tumble game.

Can you imagine if off-sides in soccer was called "meringuing"?  What about if a false start in football was "frosting"?  Or if a foul in basketball was called a "ganache"?

I know, I know-- icing refers to the ice which hockey is played on.  But I can't help but conjure up images of buttercream and whipped fudge when I hear it.  Makes me giggle.  Yeah, hockey just lost a few macho points in my book for that one.

School Daze

LM's been doing well in his new school. Woohoo! And recently I got the chance to come and speak with his class about Asperger's Syndrome, and since then his classmates have been extra sweet towards him. (In fact, right at this moment, he's at a friend's house eating dinner and hangin' out-- it's the FIRST time a classmate has ever invited him over to play. Someone hand me a tissue!)

But he hasn't been altogether without issues at school. I got an email from his teacher (who we adore!) that some extra math homework was coming home. Apparently while the rest of the class was busy calculating answers, LM thought a better use of his time would be to draw two pink erasers running away with stolen bags of loot. I have no idea what kind of symbolism is involved there, but I gotta hand it to him-- he's creative!

Yet while we were busy completing the math page at home, new information came to light. I could tell LM was dying to share something because he began to clench his hands together and go red in the face, grimacing.

"What's up, bud?"

He looked like he was about to explode. "I cheated on these problems!" he blurted. He waved his hand over a whole row of math problems. But that didn't seem to diminish his anxiety.

"Okay, okay! I cheated on these, too!" He pointed to another set of problems. He then relaxed.

We've been over this before. Like, lots. LM has a tendency to cheat (and then dramatically confess). But I suppose-- in his defense-- it's pretty hard to complete story problems on your own when you can't even read them in the first place....

That didn't stop me from erasing every problem he cheated on and making him do them again, however. (Besides, the girl he cheated off of got some answers wrong!)

All in all, though, we're off to a great year. Phew!