Well, That Was Fun!

Today my sister and I thought it would be a good idea to gather up the kiddos and head to a local elementary school to take advantage of the free lunch program they offer all summer long. The idea had all the right ingredients to render it great: free food, good company, entertained children.... But, unbeknownst to us, all the forces of the universe were plotting against us today, and our fun adventure turned into what can only be described as a series of unfortunate events. But we learned a lot from our experiences-- lessons that I am happy to pass on to those of you who might also be thinking of heading off to get some free lunch at a local elementary school one of these days. Settle in people!

Lesson 1: If it's 96 degrees out, take your air-conditioned car instead of trying to walk the 1.25 miles to the school with 4 children. Walking sucks.

Lesson 2: If you're idiotic enough to walk anyway, don't wear uncomfortable flip-flops-- and make sure your children aren't wearing them either. That makes walking suck even worse.

Lesson 3: Take all the kiddos potty before heading out, because a mile and a quarter is a long time to have to hold it-- and the whining gets annoying after a while.

Lesson 4: Make sure you ate breakfast that morning-- because walking in uncomfortable flip-flops on a 96 degree day with an empty stomach is a real drag.

Lesson 5: Always consult Google Maps to find out the best route to take before walking to a school you've never been to from your house before. (With four children on a 96 degree day.) Because wrong turns are not "adventurous", they're from the devil.

Lesson 6: Confirm the operation hours of the lunch program before leaving your house, because nothing is worse than finally arriving at the school; hot, tired, hungry and cranky, only to be told that lunch ended 5 minutes ago. (And, no, they can't give you anything from the tray full of food you can see in the background being carted away-- that would be against the rules. Thank you, Lord, that we didn't break any rules!)

Lesson 7: If you don't stop halfway through your trek to apply the sunscreen you'd forgotten to slather on your children before you left, you won't be 5 minutes late and miss lunch.

Lesson 8: Call your hubby to come pick you up so you won't have to make the miserable trip back home on foot.

Lesson 9: Bring a cell phone with you. Don't assume your sister has hers. She doesn't. She thought you had yours. But you didn't! Neither of you dummies brought your stupid cell phones with you. So when you wanted to call your hubby and beg for a ride home so you could feed your hot, tired, hungry, cranky brood, you won't be able to. This bears repeating: bring a cell phone!

Lesson 10: Don't believe the crabby lunch-lady, the one who wouldn't bend the rules an inch to give your children any of the food that was clearly available, when she says there is no phone that you may use. That lady is a big dumb dodo-head. Instead, go behind her back and use the phone to call your hubby when she is not looking, because, technically you asked one of the teenagers in the school if it was okay and they said "yes". Take that, big dumb dodo-head lady!

Lesson 11: While you're waiting for your hubby to rescue you, don't have everyone go outside to see if he's arrived yet or else the doors will lock behind you and you'll be stuck outside in the painful heat instead of luxuriating in the air-conditioned indoors.

Lesson 12: Don't let your sister park behind your car when she goes to your house. If you do, your hubby won't be able to get in his car and rescue you from the terrible day you're having. He'll have to ride his bike to the school, get the keys from your sister, ride his bike back home, transfer her two carseats into his car (because her car won't seat 7 passengers), move her car out of the way, then drive his car over to the school to pick you all up. He will then exact a promise from you to provide a certain type of "thank-you" later that night in exchange for his heroics, no matter how hot, tired and grumpy you are. But you'd vow anything because you are eternally grateful to be riding in an air-conditioned vehicle.

Lesson 13: If your hubby suggests that you all go get pizza to make up for the lunch that never was, make sure someone in the group actually has a wallet. The pizza, unlike the school lunch, is not free.

Lesson 14: Go home, get your wallet, and then go get the pizza before everyone (including the mothers) begin to cry.

Lesson 15: Take a nap. You deserve it!

I hope that my experiences today will make a positive impact on your own choices the next time you think up a "great" idea. I'm here to help, people. Here to help.