MLS: Big Babies FC

Hubby and I drove across the state to an MLS game on Saturday (Major League Soccer, for you ignoramuses-- love you!). I'd never been to one before-- what a complete blast!

And very interesting, too.... I got an education of sorts. My first mistake was to assume that we could grab a bite to eat inside the stadium and not get fleeced while doing so. No such luck. When I tell you that the 12 ounce soda we purchased cost $4 does your heart skip a beat? Mine did! And if I mention the fact that a little (like, small frozen entree size) container of Pad Thai set us back $10 does that bring a tear to your eye? It did mine! So, $14 dollars later we were both still hungry but too darn cheap to buy anything else. (Note to self: bring lunch and eat in the car next time!)

I also learned that you have to accustom your ear to the strange new ways the English language is used at these events. Like the guy selling beer and drinks up and down the aisles. He attracted customers by shouting "Coho beer my hot l'monade!" I finally figured out he was selling cold beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade-- and the suckers who bought it were shelling out money from their kids' college savings accounts in order to afford it. Then there were the crowd's cheers. I never quite figured out what "SO-HO SO-NO!" meant, but apparently everyone else was on board because it was a very popular chant (I guess I missed that memo).

But the most interesting thing to me was witnessing the dramatic performances of the soccer players after they were fouled in one way or another. They must have all had to attend acting school before they signed their contracts-- either that or MLS guys (or, actually, just soccer players in general) are the biggest babies on earth. It was extremely amusing to watch, however. I kid you not, if any player laid a hand on another-- or gave just a bit of a shove-- the offended player would immediately throw himself on the ground and commence writhing and rolling around in feigned agony until the sports med folks flew out onto the field to save the day. A short chat later, that player would miraculously hop to their feet and run around again until it was another guy's turn to fall to the ground. I started dreaming up new names for the teams that were more apropos-- like, L.A. Whiners FC, Toronto Drama Queens FC, Houston Wittle Bitty Babies FC, Seattle Boo Boos FC, or the DC United Pansies FC.

Which then got me to thinking; a team of soccer mamas would not engage in such ridiculous frivolity. Can you imagine a bunch of ladies who've given birth flinching at a little push and throwing themselves on the turf? Wouldn't happen! When you've shoved the equivalent of a bowling ball out of your nether regions suddenly your pain tolerance goes through the roof. Besides, moms have to deal with enough engineered drama from their kids-- no way would they create it on their own.

Yet, despite the exorbitant food costs, the vendors speaking in tongues, and the silly antics of the players, I can honestly say I haven't had so much fun at a sporting event since....well, ever. And next time we go, I'm hoping to drag some of you along with us. We can hold up signs that read, "Rub Some Dirt On It!" or "Save The Drama For Your Mama!" or "Quit Whining You Big Babies!" or "Which One Of You Filthy Rich Pros Is Gonna Pay For My Freakin' Expensive Lunch?". Hey, I'd bet we'd get on TV....