Pardon Me, My Internal GPS Is Busted

I have no sense of direction. Zip. Zilch. Nada. In fact, 9 times out of 10 I will choose the wrong way if given a chance. I call it "directional dyslexia"-- and I have a very severe case.

Last night I went out with my mom. I met her at the mall for dinner. (I know how to get to the mall from my house.) Afterwards we ran back to my house to refrigerate the leftovers before heading off to the movie theater. (I know how to get to the movie theater, too.) But after the movie was over I had to drive back to the mall to drop my mom off at her car. Hmmm, going to the mall from the movie theater was a new experience for me.

I could hear the caution siren blaring in my head. "Warning! Warning! Internal compass was broken at birth! Do not attempt to direct yourself to the intended location! You will get lost! It doesn't matter that it's five minutes away-- that has no bearing whatsoever on your ability to find it!"

I've learned to listen to that little alarm over the years. So I turned to my mom and asked, "Uh, do I go right or left?" She paused a moment and then said something to the extent of, "you're kidding, right?" No. No, I'm not kidding. I would have to sit here for the next ten minutes trying in vain to reconstruct a map in my head in order to have even a faint idea of which way to turn-- and even then I'd probably be wrong. "Right," she finally told me. We got to the next intersection and I recognized that it was the street we needed to be on to get to the mall, but again, I could not even remotely guess which direction to go. Mom bailed me out again, even more baffled now that we were less than 2 minutes away from the mall. "I worry about you," she confessed.

Give me directions and I can follow them. A map? I can read it! But relying on my own sense of direction? Well, it's a little hard to rely on something that does not exist. I'm probably a good candidate for having some sort of tracking device surgically attached to my body-- just in case I ever wander off somewhere and never return.

So, just keep that in mind if someday you choose me to be your traveling companion to...anywhere. I will get us lost. I am 100% sure of that.