Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

My computer's been in the shop for the last couple of days. I kinda missed it.... Okay, that's an understatement. Actually, in its absence I got all shaky and started muttering nonsensical phrases to myself, wringing my hands together all the while. Now I know what you coffee drinkers are talking about when you say caffeine withdrawal. Yikes-- not a pretty sight. So, I'm toying with the idea of having a computer-free day once a week. You know, so I can train my body to be without it. I mean, what if this thing breaks for good? I gotta get to the point where I could survive that scenario. But that has nothing to do with this post. It was just a rather long and unnecessary explanation for why I didn't get as many quotes as usual. (And if you are thinking to yourself that a pen and some paper would have worked well for writing down quotes in my computer's stead, then you are much, much smarter than I am. Did not think of that until right now....)

1. LM: "Mom, when I'm older, I'm gonna be bustin' crimes with Popi!"

(That idea is only slightly less farfetched than if he said he'd be bustin' rhymes with Popi-- although both are equally delightful to imagine....)

2. LM: "Hey Mom, I have a joke for you!"

Me: "Okay!"

LM: "Hi, Raph, watcha doin'?"

Me: (waiting for punch line).

LM: (whispering harshly) "Mom! You're supposed to say, 'I'm just mowin' the lawn with a monster truck'."

Me: "Oh! I'm just mowin' the lawn with a monster truck."

LM: (looking at me as if I'm an idiot) "What?! Are you crazy?"

3. LM: "Hey Mom, guess what?"

Me: "What?"

LM: "Today is servant day. And guess who's serving me today?"

Me: (with a sneaking suspicion) "Who?"

LM: "You!"

(So-- what makes that different than any other day?)

4. Me: "LM! There's pee on the toilet seat again!!"

LM: "You just have to get used to it, Mom."

(That just ain't right, son.)

5. LM: (talking about one of his grandma's friends who has been married and widowed three times) "But Lola made a good choice, right? She married plenty of husbands for a lot of enjoyment!"

(Hmmmmm.... That's one way to look at it, I guess.....)

6. LM: "Hey Mom, guess what I'm saying." (Proceeds to move his mouth in random, silent shapes.)

Me: (wishfully thinking) "You're saying, 'I love you sooooo much, Mom-- you're the best mom ever!!'"

LM: "Ummmmmmm...close. I said, 'I love you sooooo much, Mom-- thanks for buying me a ninja outfit online!"

(But wait...I didn't do that....)

Well, I'd say it's time to turn off my now wonderfully smooth-running Mac. And I will leave you with this one piece of advice-- buy the Apple Care Protection Plan when purchasing your new Mac (which, I'm assuming, will be everyone's next computer, right?). Worth. Every. Penny. Goodnight!

Do Re Mi

Is it just me-- or is there a direct correlation between the awesomeness of your voice and the volume of your iPod?  The higher I turn that puppy up the better I sound.  I mean, I think I should probably get discovered or something.  

Shoo Fly!

I find myself wishing I could be a fly on the wall at my kids' schools. I bet they're funny. Sure, I get a little taste of what they're like when I come in to volunteer, but I can't help but think I'd get a more accurate representation if they didn't know I was there. Do you think it would look bad if I hid in the bushes and peered through the windows into their classrooms every once in a while? In any case, I'm pretty sure I'd get a bunch more quotes that way.

1. Woman: "Hi, Nona! I didn't recognize you-- you look cute!"

(I believe the last time a woman didn't recognize me immediately was because I looked older. This time it was for looking unaccustomedly cute. I'm going to try not to analyze those things too much. I might get a complex.)

2. LM: (anxious for a book he had on hold) "Mom, can we walk to the library?"

Me: "No, bud, it's way too far."

LM: "Well, we could just make a chariot. All we need is some wheels, wood, and electronic stuff...I'm not saying it will be perfect."

(Um.... Or we could just wait until daddy gets home with the car.)

3. LM: "Can I play with a friend?"

Me: "No, but you can get dressed."

LM: "Nah, it's my goal to stay in my jammies all day."

(That's right, LM-- aim high.)

4. Ruby: "LM! How come you're being so mean to Carson?"

LM: "Because I have nothin' to do!"

(Eek-- get the boy some playdough or something!)

5. LM: (talking about the cookies I was making) "Mom, I just get the big ones. Ruby can have the runts."

Me: "Well, that's pretty selfish, isn't it?"

LM: "Yep."

(Well, okay then....)

6. Ruby: (after LM had explained that he told a bully his sister would defend him if she wasn't nice to him) "So, what did you tell her I'd do to her?"

LM: "That you'd give her a really piece of your mind!"

(Ruby then clarified that she was willing to punch the girl instead-- and forgive me, but I did not discourage this team building exercise, misguided though it was. But I may live to regret that....)

Perhaps you'll recall the recent quotes concerning LM's version of theology? Well, it was Ruby's turn this week!

7. Ruby: (trying to get her dad to do something she wanted) "Dad, the Bible says let your word be yes."

(Yikes-- we'd all be in for it then, wouldn't we?)

8. Ruby: (explaining what she learned at church, giggling uncontrollably) "Whatever comes outta the mouth goes into the stomach and out of the body."

(Although we corrected her wording of the verse, Ruby still laughed her head off. She was just too taken with the fact that Jesus was making a delicate reference to poop. Leave it to Ruby....)

There, consider yourself a fly on our wall! Never dull, never dull....

Darn Donkeys!

Most of you (all of you??) know that my son has Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. (You didn't think all that hilarity of LM's came outta nowhere, did you?) Anyway, I've discovered that the general population remains fairly ignorant about Asperger's-- what it is and how it presents itself. (Hint: there is no mold-- Asperger's comes in many different shapes and sizes.) And sometimes when we're out in public people will openly stare in disapproval and even (gasp!) comment on our son's behavior (or try and correct him themselves). I find that prettttty annoying. So last time we were in to see the doc who diagnosed him, I asked her what I should say to these rude people. "Tell them he's autistic!" she exclaimed, clearly disgusted by the nerve of some folks. But I kept dreaming up better, more creative responses. I can't help it...it's how I'm wired. So here are some examples of the types of things people say, and how I imagine us responding to them-- of course, we've never actually said any of this stuff...yet:

Person: (scowling after LM has just run into her because, well, LM also has coordination disorder) "Watch out! You shouldn't be letting your son run-- this is a church, not a playground!"

Me: "You're right. He's got Ass Burgers, though, so sometimes he gets a little crazy."

Person: "Asperger's, huh?"

Me: "No, A-S-S-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. When he was younger we went to this 'upscale' restaurant, and unbeknownst to us they were making their patties out of donkey meat. He hasn't been the same ever since. So I've been on a crusade the last four years to eliminate donkey meat from every restaurant in the country, but it hasn't been easy-- it's a big chef conspiracy you know. But I'm really glad I got this chance to warn you-- don't ever let your kids eat Ass Burgers! I am telling you it is dangerous stuff, my friend. Dangerous stuff."

Me: (after LM has just said something very inappropriate) "Sorry about that! We never quite know what's gonna come out of his mouth!"

Person: "Hmph!"

Me: "Yeah, autistic kids sometimes need help learning how to use a filter-- we're working on it."

Person: (skeptical) "He doesn't look autistic."

Me: "I know. It's the plastic surgery we had done. He looks so much like a real boy, doesn't he? But it's plastic-- all of it. Insurance didn't cover the operation, of course, so we'll be paying for it until we die-- but it's worth every penny just to hear you say that."

Ruby's friend: "Your brother's a freak!"

Ruby: "Yeah, isn't it cool? We bought him from the circus when he was a baby. He was the bearded lady and fire-eating man's love child. We got a great discount because he already had a moustache at 3-months old-- but we figured with all the money we were saving we could just buy an electric razor. And, besides, he's so cheap to feed-- eats lit birthday candles. Man, I love that kid!"

LM's classmate: (direct quote from today at an after school event) "I don't want to sit next to weird LM-- he's annoying!"

Hubby: "I am so relieved to hear you say that, kiddo. Because when I walked in here I asked myself, 'now where should LM sit?' and I saw this super cool little boy-- do you see him over there? Yeah, that's him. Well, he's the nicest kid I've ever met, and I always tell LM, 'LM, aim high-- don't waste your time on mean little boys!' So you've really helped me out a lot here, bud. Thanks for not letting him sit next to you-- that woulda been a real bummer."

Too snarky? Well, if you can come up with something better, do share! :)

Arachnophobia

Do you remember that movie? I think I was in junior high when it came out, and at the time it was the pinnacle of horror movies for me. (Ummm, actually, it still is.) But why am I bringing it up now, you ask? Well, do you recall the shower scene? You know-- when the super deadly spider was slowly being rinsed down that chick's belly? (I'm shuddering right now as I type this.)

Uh, well I practically live that scene every other day. And I'm only sorta exaggerating just a little tiny bit. (Okay, so the spiders are never actually technically on me in the shower, but more often than not they join me in the stall.) Huge brown spiders with nasty, hairy bodies. (Shuddering again.) This time I'm not exaggerating at all: I've killed about ten of these buggers in the last two or three weeks.

There I am, minding my own business-- maybe shaving my legs or something ('cause that darn wax job finally wore off) when I look down to see a large, quickly moving creepy thing making a mad dash for the side of the stall. They're too big to go down the drain, and I'm too chicken to squash them with a bare foot (ew!). So more often than not, I simply wait for them to drown before washing their lifeless bodies to the side until I can dispose of them properly. I hope you are not feeling sympathy for them right now. You do realize they were about to attack me and inject my body with their deadly poison before sucking out all of my life blood, right? (Or was that in the movie? I can't remember.)

So if I'm a bit stinky next time you see me, you'll understand if I tell you I've been avoiding the shower....

Quotables

Whew-- it was a wild one last week! I haven't posted for a few reasons-- I've been gone, and I've been an angry person. But it's amazing how quickly anger dissipates when you write it all down in a scolding letter and send it off to the one(s) who wronged you. :) Ahhhhh, I feel so much better! The situation hasn't quite become funny yet (hysterical, yes-- but not in a good way), but when I reach that point you can be sure you'll read about it here first! In the meantime, I have quotes....

1. M-i-L: (walking into the bathroom) "Who was in here last? The water's running, they didn't flush the toilet-- and it's POOP!"

LM: "My bad!"

2. LM: (talking about a toy he'd ordered online and was anxiously awaiting) "I freakin' want it today!"

(Ummmm.... Okay, hubby, you were right-- I guess I do say "freakin'" too much....)

3. LM: (to the mailman) "Kind sir, do you have a package in there?"

(I don't know where he got it, but he's been addressing men he doesn't know as "kind sir" lately.)

4. Me: (in my cheery auntie voice) "Bopper, don't touch the TV screen, sweetie."

The Bopper: "But I didn't learn that yet!"

Me: "Well, now you learned it!"

The Bopper: (sadly) "No, I didn't."

(I guess aunties aren't quite as effective teachers as mothers are.)

5. LM: "Mom, you know Auntie T's last name? It's kinda a nickname for boobs."

(Or, as T puts it, "boobs are kinda a nickname for my last name." I'm not sure who's right, though.)

6. LM: "You know the best part of incorporated? Corporated!"

(Uhhhh.... Wha'?)

7. LM: (after we'd been teasing hubby for being a dork-- which is a good thing in our family) "Mom, next time just marry somebody else."

Me: "Like who?"

LM: "Mr. Craig."

(I gotta say, though, I'm having a pretty hard time believing that Mr. Craig isn't a dork as well. Perhaps his wife can verify?)

8. Ruby Jane: "Mom, can you read to us now?"

Me: "No, because you guys didn't obey-- that was the deal."

Ruby: "But I obeyed eventually!"

(I'm thinking there are some profound spiritual revelations in there. Brain. Is. Trying. Hard. To. Grasp. Them! Ugh...it's no use....)

Sheesh-- I thought I had more than that, but I must not have written them all down. Oh well, there's always more where those came from!

Gotta Love 'Em

I gotta tell ya; older people are really interesting. I've been hanging out with several lately (they're my homies, fo' shizzle), and ye gads, they can make you smile in affection and then bodily cringe within the span of 5 seconds. (I guess that's why I get along with them so great-- I have the very same effect on people.) And Dad, I would tell you to stop reading this post now except for the fact that you're on the verge of elderdom, and it's about time you start getting used to this sort of stuff. I mean, what are you gonna talk about with your friends in a few years if you can't handle subjects like kidney stones and atrophy? Oh, I hear about it all....

Next time you're lucky enough to hang with some seniors, do yourself a favor-- shut-up and listen. Just this weekend I learned more about elderly health than I could have gleaned from the entire content of webmd.com. Did you know it can take weeks to pass a kidney stone? Or the general procedure that is used to remove one that's 1/4" in diameter? It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. But I'm fairly certain I now know enough about this subject to actually remove one of your kidney stones if you're ever unlucky enough to get one.

I've also been able to practice my poker face when unexpected flatulence occurs. And boy, did I get a lot of practice with that little skill this weekend! Go ahead-- next time I see you just rip one. See if I don't keep on talking and going along as if the whole neighborhood didn't just hear that. I am getting good.

I've also discovered recently that a 70+ year old can leave my tush in the dust while on a walk...in the dark...on a deserted and hilly road. I would like to blame it on the fact I was wearing flip-flops while she was in tennis shoes, but I really don't think that was the deciding factor.... Girl can move, that's all I gotta say. Also humbling is the way that my mother-in-law can school me in the use of technology. Sometimes when she's chattering on about some software program I just nod my head like I'm tracking with her, but really, me no understandy.

An unexpected group, these seniors. Just when you think you've got them figured out-- BOOM-- they go and start humming the tune to Redneck Woman. And when they get to the "hell, yeah" part you can't help but smile, even though they just swore a little.... Yep-- gotta love 'em.

Go, Ninja, Go!

This is LM's new 'do for school this year. (See www.brainthing.blogspot.com for the photo.) It's a ninja haircut, see. He plopped himself right down in the stylist's chair and asked for it by name. I guess after his Transformer haircut he figured nothing was impossible. But the gal sorta looked at me like, "huh?" and I just shrugged my shoulders. Her guess was as good as mine! So when she brought out the book of hair style photos and LM's eye caught sight of the kid in a karate pose, he figured that must be what he was looking for. Only thing was, the kid had a faux-hawk-- a spiky red one. Hmmmm.

So here's picture number two. It shows off the red a bit more than the first photo. Don't worry folks, it's just red-colored hair gel-- it washes out...eventually. And, dang, that's one happy little ninja. Let's just hope he never becomes a huge fan of Donald Trump....