Shhhhhh!

I have two little gems from hubby to share-- and I was lucky to get them!  As you know, hubby doesn't enjoy the clickety-clacking of my nails on the computer keyboard while he's trying to sleep.  But sometimes the man's so deep in it, he doesn't notice.  Thus, I was able to capture one of my all-time favorite sleep talking quotes recently.  (I swear, I don't make these suckers up.)  I'll even start off with them for those of you who comb through the list to find hubby's contribution first.  I'm all about making your life easier.

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Gotta remember that spirit unicorn thing-- she got some FUNK, man!"
(I lol every time I read this!)

2. Hubby: (asleep-- and this one was so rambling I only got the first two sentences typed out before I could no longer keep up-- he had a LOT to say this particular night) "You see an opening and you're going to climb in it-- that's just the way you are.  Part of me likes that."

3. LM: "Guess what? I kicked Robert in soccer today."
Me: "On purpose?!"
LM: "Don't worry, Mom, nobody saw."
Me: "Nobody?"
LM: "Well, somebody saw-- you know who."
Me: "Jesus?"
LM: "Yeah.  And his father."
Me: "God?"
LM: "Yep."
Me: "Well, then you'd better not do it again!"

4. Ruby: "I was reading my Bible the other day about Jezebel and how she committed sexual immortality...."
(Whoa-- that actually sounds pretty awesome.)

5. LM: (talking about his goals for the future) "I just want to get a Camaro and a good wife."
(Ah, the simple pleasures in life!)

6. Ruby: "Those pictures are stupendous-- they inhale through a straw!"
(Tween translation: "Those pictures are stupid-- they suck!"

7. LM: (after I'd given him a dose of liquid melatonin before bed) "Is there alcohol in this?"
Me: "Ummmm, yes."
LM: "So, I'm allowed to drink alcohol?!"
Me: "No-- this is different because it's like medicine.  There's not enough in one dose to affect you."
LM: "But if I had a cup of it would it?"
Me: "Well, yes."
LM: "Have I had a cup of this in my whole life?"
Me: "If you added up all the doses you've ever had, yeah, probably."
LM: "So, I'm drunk!"
Me: "Uh, no."
LM: "Maybe just a little?"
Me: "No."

8. Me: (asking Ruby about her upcoming 3rd soccer game) "How many goals are you going to score today?"
Ruby: "Probably none."
Me: "Why not?"
Ruby: "Well, after the first and second game, the glory days are over."
(Yeah, you're definitely past your prime, Ruby.)

9. LM: "Mom, when I grow up I'm going to be a government, with a pet shark and a Camaro."
(Now that is thinking big, folks!  Most kids want to be the president-- but how many want to be the entire government??)

10. LM: (insisting that I include one of his jokes on my blog) "Why did the skeleton play the piano?"
Me: "Why?"
LM: "Because he had no organs!"
Me: "Hahahhahahhaaa!"

Anyway, that's it for now.  Here's hoping that tonight I have a dream about the spirit unicorn thing.  She got some funk, man.

Penalty For Popsicle Sticking!

Hubby is relaxing on our couch watching sports and happened to flip the channel briefly to hockey.  I don't know anything about hockey except that whenever I've attended a live game, I'm surrounded by belligerent drunks as two teams of heavily padded men beat the snot out of each other.  And that's why when I heard the term "icing" I had to stop and ponder it for a moment.  I mean, icing doesn't sound like a very manly term for a rough and tumble game.

Can you imagine if off-sides in soccer was called "meringuing"?  What about if a false start in football was "frosting"?  Or if a foul in basketball was called a "ganache"?

I know, I know-- icing refers to the ice which hockey is played on.  But I can't help but conjure up images of buttercream and whipped fudge when I hear it.  Makes me giggle.  Yeah, hockey just lost a few macho points in my book for that one.

School Daze

LM's been doing well in his new school. Woohoo! And recently I got the chance to come and speak with his class about Asperger's Syndrome, and since then his classmates have been extra sweet towards him. (In fact, right at this moment, he's at a friend's house eating dinner and hangin' out-- it's the FIRST time a classmate has ever invited him over to play. Someone hand me a tissue!)

But he hasn't been altogether without issues at school. I got an email from his teacher (who we adore!) that some extra math homework was coming home. Apparently while the rest of the class was busy calculating answers, LM thought a better use of his time would be to draw two pink erasers running away with stolen bags of loot. I have no idea what kind of symbolism is involved there, but I gotta hand it to him-- he's creative!

Yet while we were busy completing the math page at home, new information came to light. I could tell LM was dying to share something because he began to clench his hands together and go red in the face, grimacing.

"What's up, bud?"

He looked like he was about to explode. "I cheated on these problems!" he blurted. He waved his hand over a whole row of math problems. But that didn't seem to diminish his anxiety.

"Okay, okay! I cheated on these, too!" He pointed to another set of problems. He then relaxed.

We've been over this before. Like, lots. LM has a tendency to cheat (and then dramatically confess). But I suppose-- in his defense-- it's pretty hard to complete story problems on your own when you can't even read them in the first place....

That didn't stop me from erasing every problem he cheated on and making him do them again, however. (Besides, the girl he cheated off of got some answers wrong!)

All in all, though, we're off to a great year. Phew!

Dreamocide

Maybe it was the effects of being up until 4:00am.

Maybe it was because I was with three of my favorite girls in the world-- two sisters and a cousin-- and spirits were high.

Whatever it was, when I look back at how hard I laughed (until I cried) after admitting that I sometimes dream about murdering people.... I'm wondering if it's actually not funny?

Dang-- I can't be the only one! C'mon, show of hands, how many of you peeps occasionally beat, stab or strangle folks while in REM? (What if they really deserved it?) Anyone wanna get all Freudian on me? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it might mean something.

In any case, I want to put everyone's mind at ease that I've never, ever murdered anyone while conscious. Like, not even once. And that's a pretty good track record if I do say so myself. So no worries, you're relatively safe while in my presence. (You're less safe if you enter my subconscious at night, however. Just sayin'.)

The Nose Knows

If you've eaten garlic in the last 24-hours I can probably smell you from two feet away. And for some reason, peeps have been eating a lot of garlic lately. I'm not sayin' stop, mind you, just...remember that mints are your friend.

Still Still Here!

Wow-- has it really been almost a month since I last posted? Where has the summer gone?! Have I lost everyone?

Well, I have a few quotes for any of you who've hung in there through the dry spell. This will probably be one of the last posts that include hubby's sleep-talking quotes since my computer has been banned from bed (something about it being annoying or something like that).

1. Hubby: (asleep) "Settle down, you wild punk! Settle down or you'll end up on your butt!"

2. LM: "Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to get a Camaro."

Me: "Did you know that my Uncle J used to have a red Camaro?"

LM: "Really?! Does he still have it?"

Me: "Ummmm...I don't know."

LM: "Well, if he does, I'm totally going to buy it from him for like, $400! Then I'll have my own sweet Camaro!"

(So, what do you say, Uncle J? Do we have a deal?)

3. LM: "Mom, did you know you have a big butt?"

Me: "Errr...yes, I did know that."

LM: "It's probably because of your muffin top, right?"

(Wow, a two-fer diss. Gotta love that!)

4. Hubby: (asleep) "What's going on there, big guy? And I don't mean He-Man."

5. LM: "I have one question; how do you feel about having a muscle on your core?"

Me: "Ummmmmm...huh?"

(How does he do that-- ask unanswerable questions with such ease?)

6. Hubby: (asleep, and in a Southern accent) "He got 'er good, Bobby! Yes he did! Damn St. Petersburg...." (mumble, mumble, mumble).

(Cussing doesn't count if it's done in one's sleep, right?)

7. LM: (talking about a kid who isn't very kind to him) "Mom, next time I see him, I'm gonna...." (Proceeds to describe some intricate form of torture I can't recall.)

Me: "But do you remember we're supposed to love our enemies?"

LM: "He's not my enemy...I just hate him."

(Ah, yes, well then go ahead and beat the snot out of him, kiddo. My mistake.)

8. Hubby: (asleep) "Sam, give'm a five. Nice. Very strange, very strange."

9. LM: (praying) "Dear Jesus, thank you for the lesson in Transformers. It's not as good as your word, but it's pretty good. I wish it was your word. Amen."

10. LM: (as his cousin is elbowing him at the dinner table) "Mister is nudging me! Tell him to stop!"

Mister: (turning to Nini, pointing to his elbow) "Is this my nudge?"

That's all I got, folks! I'm hoping that as school resumes I'll get back to a more normal posting schedule. 'Cause, dang, lots of funny things happen when school starts. G'night!

Still Here!

I tell ya, it's not easy keeping up a blog during the summer. I've probably mentioned that before.... Ach, I'm just makin' excuses for not posting-- it's a bad habit. (Excuses, that is.)

A lot's been going on, though. LM started Kendo class. Basically, it's a class to teach him how to wield a sword, Samurai style. For those of you who think that's an insane idea on our part, I may have to agree with you on that one. But, hey, if the kid's gonna wield a sword regardless, might as well teach him how to do it properly....

Anyway, the quotes are starting to stack up, so here goes nothin':

1. LM: (after being chided by hubby for not finishing his chore) "Oh well, at least I picked up half my mess!"

Hubby: "Oh, okay, maybe I'll only give you half of your breakfast tomorrow then!"

LM: "Sounds like a fair deal to me!"

(LM walked away from that exchange quite pleased, while hubby realized he'd been foiled again.... Note to self: if you don't intend for LM to take an offer literally, don't make it.)

2. The Bopper: (wanting to see her brother's new Toy Story character) "Hey Mister, can I check out your Woody?"

(Am I the only one who immediately thinks of...oh, never mind.)

3. LM: (amidst an argument he and hubby were having) "Dad, am I hearing a little bit of rudies coming from me and you? 'Cause I don't do rudies anymore."

(Rudies? What are we, in Kindergarten? Besides, he totally still does rudies!)

4. LM: "Mom, will you help me get my DS stylus from underneath Ruby's bed?"

Me: (having just gotten gussied up for a wedding) "No, bud, I just did my hair and make-up and I don't want to ruin it."

LM: (trying to find a loophole) "But Mom, I don't think your hair looks all that good."

(Nice try, buddy, I'm still not crawling under the bed!)

5. LM: "Hey Mom, I painted Starscream white, and now I call him Ice Scream."

(Ohhhhh, now there's a name to instill fear into the hearts of his enemies! Watch out, everyone, Ice Cream is coming to get you-- ahhhhhh, help! Not that cool, creamy sweetness!)

6. LM: (admiring his daddy's physique) "Dad! You have a six pack! Now, all you need to do is lose this." (Pokes hubby's paunch.)

The rest are hubby's sleep (or nearly sleep) talking quotes. He's usually good for a few laughs-- but you can be the judge of that.

1. Hubby: (asleep, but after I had coughed loudly) "Shhhhhhhhhh ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch-- quiet!"

2. Hubby: (asleep) "Hey, can I have one?" (Pokes me a few times.) "Can I have one?"

3. Hubby: (his sleep being disturbed after I reached over him to grab something) "Nooooo! You and your pesky friends!"

4. Hubby: (asleep-- rolls over and slings an arm around me) "Ahhhhh, you're amazing! Amazing! Amaaaaaaazing."

5. Hubby: (asleep-- and in a Southern accent) "Said one bun to the other bun, 'I won't make it!'"

In fact, while I've been typing this post (with my mad secretarial typing skills-- not) I upset hubby's sleep a bit. Unfortunately, he didn't say anything worth repeating-- it was much too coherent for public interest. But I suppose he's right about one thing: I should put this dang computer away and get some sleep. G'night, everyone!