I Have Two Words: Duct Tape

I prefer to go shopping by myself-- it's almost like a mini retreat.  In fact, sometimes I'll create a reason to go, where there was no reason before, just to escape the house.  Never do silent shelves of canned foods and quietly humming freezer cases of TV dinners look as beautiful as when I have just come from a house in full-blown chaos.  And as I stroll along the aisles of the store, pitying the mothers who have their screaming, grabby children in tow, well...I can get a little smug sometimes.  I start to think I'm rather clever for orchestrating my solo outing.  Um, have you ever heard the saying "God opposes the proud"?  

Well, I just got opposed on Friday at Fred Meyer.  

I'll start at the beginning.  Ruby Jane had a half day at school, and so I picked her up immediately after having collected LM from kindergarten.  Seeing as the day was young, it was a great time to get one of Ruby's blood tests out of the way, and so I promised the kids we'd stop at the Fred Meyer deli for lunch afterward-- if all went well.  (As a mother I've found that bribery is one of the best weapons in my arsenal.)

All went well at the lab and so, as promised, we headed off to Fred Meyer.  I figured that while we were there I could pick up a few items that I needed.  You know, kill two birds with one stone and all that.  (Am I still so naive??)  LM wanted to get one of those fancy-schmancy shopping carts that look like a fire engine or truck (or whatever they're supposed to be), but alas, they were all taken.  For a moment he wasn't sure he could go inside the store without one of those carts, but the call of macaroni and cheese was too strong for him to resist.  So in we went.  

We selected our lunch items and then waited in line to pay.  

LM: (speaking to the lady ringing us up) "Are you old?"  Just curious.  

She didn't answer and I, too, pretended I hadn't heard the question.  Sensing he was being ignored he asked her again, only louder.  

Me: (bending down to whisper forcefully in his ear) "That's not a polite question to ask!" 

LM: (realizing it was impolite to ask her but figuring it was just fine to ask me) "Is that man old?" 

Thank the Lord I had just signed my receipt so I could quickly usher him away, leaving the lady to no doubt ponder how she had been mistaken for "old" and a "man" all in one fell swoop.  LM and I then had a little chat about appropriate questions over lunch.

Feeling secure in the fact that we were unlikely to run into the deli worker as I maneuvered through the rest of the store, my confidence returned.  We grabbed a cart and were off to the races.  We made it through the bulk food section without incident, and so I ventured into the center aisles to collect some dishwasher detergent.  LM, with his hawk eyes, spotted a fancy-schmancy car cart coming our way.  As we passed LM reached out his hand and grabbed their cart, stopping it in its tracks.  The little girl in the cart looked perplexed, the grandmother appeared bemused.  

LM: "Hey, I have an idea!  Why don't we empty your cart out, put our groceries in it, and trade?"  

The little girl scowled, but her grandmother grinned widely, although was clearly uncertain how to answer this proposition.  I mumbled something to LM about needing to keep moving on, but the grandmother wanted to come up with a solution to appease my little boy (dang, he's good!).  I assured her kindly that it wasn't necessary, and hurried off.  

Ruby Jane asked if we could browse the toy section.  Catching me at a weak moment, I agreed to a brief perusal.  We came across an elderly couple studying the array of games-- barring our way somewhat.

LM: (in the most polite tone he could muster at 100 decibals) "Excuse us!  Train comin' through!"

Ruby Jane: (reading my thoughts as I frowned) "Mom, that was actually kinda funny."

As soon as we escaped the toy section I hurried to the last stop: produce.  Who could have predicted that lurking amongst the potatoes would be a lady pushing two ridiculous chihuahua puppies in a bright pink dog stroller?  I mean, who are these people?  LM's radar picked up on it right away and he started cooing at the stupid animals as we passed by.  I stopped for a moment, just to give him a better look since he was so taken in by the scene (as were several others).  

LM: "What are your dogs' names?"  (I would include them here but I can't remember.  It was probably "Coochie-Coo" and "Sweetie-Pie" or the like.)

LM: "Can I pet them?"

Lady: "No, I can't take them out of the stroller.  It's against store policy."

LM: (lightbulb going on) "Well, then what's your phone number?"

Lady: "Umm...er...well...."

Me: (seeing I would have to save her bum) "LM, we can't have a play-date with the dogs."

I then decided there was really nothing important in the produce section that I needed after all.

We rushed to the checkout line and I crossed my fingers that LM could keep his trap shut for at least the 5 minutes it would take to complete our transaction.  (Is that really too much to ask, for Pete's sake?!)  And other than putting his hand on the edge of the conveyer belt and pretending to get it caught and yelling, "AHHHHHH!"-- startling the checker out of her wits-- our departure was smooth.  

Alrighty then-- lesson learned!  A few lessons, actually....  First; shopping solo is not a sign of cleverness on my part-- I'm still very much an idiot.  Second; I may not like getting humbled, but I'd better start getting used to it.  Third; next time I find it necessary to take LM to the store with me, bring duct tape.  Lots and lots of duct tape.