Duct Tape Emergency!!

Tonight we did something we haven't done in years. And there are so many reasons why people shouldn't do this sort of thing-- reasons that quickly became apparent this evening. But we now also have a new reason not to do this particular activity. So, what is this "thing" I'm talking about?

Tonight we ate at a buffet.

I'll wait until you rub your eyes and re-read that.

Right as rain again? Good-- I shall continue.

I'm anti-buffet-- and not because I don't like them. Um, I love me a buffet. But I always overeat (gotta get my money's worth!). I always select the worst possible choices (fried okra, anyone?). I always have way more dessert than is prudent (so many choices-- so little time!). And, well, let's face it-- buffets are ghetto. Like, they're the Walmart of restaurants. I know I'm being terribly un-politically correct here, but you understand, don't you? We just shouldn't eat at buffets! But tonight we did. I had a coupon.

I do have to redeem myself somewhat by telling you that I started with a ginormous salad chock-full of fresh veggies of every color. I then chose poached fish, soup and mashed potatoes-- all in reasonable portions, mind you-- and drank nothing but water. But that brings me to another point of contention: buffets allow you to mix the most horrendous food pairings ever. At one point hubby came to the table with a plate of spaghetti, ham, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, jello and cornbread. Disgusting. (And if you're noticing that the nature of our meal was not gluten-free, then you've uncovered yet another dirty little secret of our sinful buffet night.) But let me back up to the original point I was trying to make in this paragraph-- that I was attempting to make wiser food choices than I normally do when given endless options. I even stopped when I was full! Hooray for me!

But the real lesson of the night? Never, ever, ever, ever take LM to a buffet-- ever. Oh, don't get me wrong-- he loved it. But he noticed a certain common denominator about the clientele tonight. Something that I was hoping he wouldn't notice.... That the average BMI of most of the diners around us was...let's just say it was well-above what would be considered healthy. We even had to ban the word "fat" from our dinner conversation because of the frequency, and volume, with which he was flinging it around.

At one point as we were headed toward the desserts he saw a particularly large woman directly in our path. He immediately stopped in his tracks, dropped his jaw, and stared straight up at her. As if in slow motion, I saw him raise his finger to point as his lips slowly formed the words, "Mom, she's...." but thankfully I acted before he could finish his thought. I spun him around and whispered in his ear, "don't say it, LM!" He nodded at me co-conspiratorially and I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm sure the lady heard it all, though-- she was about a foot away from this entire exchange. Ugh. I'm sorry, Ma'am....

Then, of course, there was all the chatter at the table (which LM made no attempt to keep quiet). Each time hubby returned from a trip to the buffet LM would say something like, "you're going to need to exercise when you get home!" or "if you keep eating you're gonna get fat, Dad." At one point LM pushed away his dish of ice cream stating, "I don't wanna eat any more 'cause I might get fat."

And before you automatically assume that "fatness" is a hot-topic around our house, think again. This is an issue LM has long been fascinated with all on his own. Obsessed, more like it. Perhaps you all remember the "Santa" phase of recent months past? (Where it was his custom to take a poll wherever he went on whether or not people-- child and adult alike-- believed in Santa. Those unfortunate souls who claimed to believe were then subjected to a lecture on the hoax of this grand tradition. Again, this is a topic that has not been discussed frequently in our home-- except to have told him, when he asked, that indeed there is no such person as the commercialized Santa. Well, he took that juicy little tidbit of info and ran with it. And by the way, the current poll he is conducting has to do with whether or not you drink alcohol-- so be ready with your answer, whatever it is.) My point is this: LM comes up with these obsessions without any help from us (other than the part we play in candidly answering his questions). What can I say? He's LM!

Needless to say, hubby and I were chomping at the bit to leave. Not only had I managed to eat a marginally well-balanced meal, I also wasn't on the verge of puking from over-consumption-- and I knew the longer we stayed, the more temptation might influence me. But mostly we just wanted to get the heck outta Dodge before we offended one of the locals.

Sigh.