Puss In Loo

She instills fear into the very core of my being. She is Kezzy, my aunt's kitty-cat.

Kezzy likes to hide in wait until I enter the bathroom, at which point she races through the door ahead of me and takes up her post in front of the toilet. The first time she did this I just shoved her aside so I could get down to business. (Fail.) The second time she pulled this trick I'd learned what it means to have kitty-kitty in the bathroom with me, and I reconsidered just how badly I needed to go. Perhaps digging a trough outside and squatting would be in my best interest instead.

See, Kezzy likes to torment you while you're on the pot. Oh, it starts out nice enough. She rubs up against your legs and purrs. You think she's trying to befriend you, albeit in an unconventional way. But this is simply to give you a false sense of security so that you'll loosen up and let your drawers drop a little lower to the floor, thus giving her more fleshy surface area to attack.

She thinks it's quite funny to try and hop up in your lap, and when that fails ('cause there's no freakin' way I'm letting a cat sit in my lap while I'm using the facilities) she likes to use your bare legs as a scratching post. Yeah, I know she's just "playing", but it feels a little less like fun, and more like sadism to me. I mean, how brilliant is this cat? She catches you partially clothed with no way to escape! My only hope is to pee as fast as humanly possible, and to not make any frantic motions with the toilet paper, thus inciting kitty's pounce instinct.

Then, like a psycho lover, she'll nuzzle her head against you like nothing ever happened. But at this point you're toast, because she is about to bite...your...hand.

Love bites. Or should I say, "love bites."

My favorite time was when I thought I'd made it into the bathroom alone, only to discover after I'd shut and locked the door that Kezzy was already in the bathroom. Waiting. Seriously, I might have nightmares.

She may look like this:

But this is what's in her heart:

For now, my strategy is to avoid drinking liquids at any cost. But eventually I'll be forced to cross my legs tight and dance. So at that point I'm just praying that Kezzy will already be deep in sleep somewhere so that I can pee in peace. Maybe, like, at 2:00am that can happen.

One can only hope....