Ah, That Sweet, Sweet Smell!

Mmmm....  I was just in my kitchen enjoying a wonderful smell I haven't had the pleasure of for several months.  No, not cinnamon rolls.  Not chocolate chip cookies.  Even better!  (Think outside the box.)  Sodium phosphates and chlorine bleach!  (Real, honest-to-goodness dishwasher detergent!)  Delicious!

Those of you who don't live in my city may or may not be understanding what I'm even talking about.  You see, some of you aren't living under the wretched phosphate ban like we tortured souls are over here.  (Although I'd be surprised if you tree-huggin' Oregonian granola-folk haven't been banning the stuff for the last 10 years already.  And, trust me, I say that with the utmost respect.)  I actually fancy myself as somewhat of a closet environmentalist.  I have a secret ambition to start a small subsistence garden.  I eat tofu.  I'm an avid recycler.  I try to use natural products as much as I can afford them.  I hate waste and unnecessary damage to God's green earth.  Save the rain forests!  Free Willy!  Stick it to The Man!  

But, I found out that when it comes to environmentally friendly dishwasher detergent, I suddenly become a raging anti-green, earth-raping beast.  'Cause, gosh-darnitall, I want clean dishes!  Is it too much to ask?!  Really!  If you've never had to use phosphate-free dishwasher detergent then you don't know what pain is.  (And I do-- I've given birth to a 10 1/2 pound baby without so much as a Tylenol-- pain and I are like best friends!)  Let me just describe what the dishes cleaned with this "green" detergent look like.  They have food stuck to them.  They sometimes (depending on which brand) have a white film coating their entire surface.  They're still the color of whatever food was last on them (if it was grape juice, you'll have purple; if it was tomatoes, then it's red, etc.).  Bottom line: they aren't clean!  So, the trick to using these amazing earthy products is to wash your dishes before you wash them in the dishwasher.  Yeah, like I have time for that. 

I know what some of you are saying.  (Yes, I'm talking to you, T.)  You're saying, "then why don't you just wash your dishes by hand?  It's more environmentally sound anyway".  Indeed, I have no argument for you other than, "I DON'T WANT TO HAND WASH!"  Besides, have you seen my counter space?  I think I could fit maybe one glass, a plate and a few forks on the counter to dry at one time.  

So, I'm one of literally thousands who cross my state's border to purchase contraband dishwashing detergent containing those glorious little phosphates (or, more accurately, someone else crosses the border for me and I buy it from them-- which, in essence, means I have a dealer).  Go ahead and rake me across the coals for this indiscretion-- but I ain't budging on this one.  I am currently stashing no less than 500 ounces of this precious illegal dishwashing detergent.  A small fortune, yes, but it's an investment with a thousand returns.  

I figure I can make it up to Mother Earth by continuing to buy the inferior environmentally-friendly laundry detergent I use.  After all, I don't have to use it if I don't want to.  (So that makes me a better person, right?)  Who cares if my son's clothes still have stains all over them even after multiple washings?  I'm doing something good for our planet!  So please, find it in your hearts to forgive me for my one eensy-weensy ecological sin.  (Besides, it's kind of exciting being so utterly naughty!  At least, being naughty is a whole lot cleaner-- smells great, too....)