What Else Can I Blame On Genetics?

I've just spent a very long time trying to look like I didn't spend a very long time getting ready.  It's very complicated, but makes perfect sense (to those without a Y chromosome).  You see, hubby and I are going to have dinner with several young 20-somethings tonight, one of whom is my hair stylist.  Ah, now you're tracking with me, aren't you?

My family has always proclaimed that we have vanity issues, but the word "vain" does not accurately describe what we truly suffer from.  "Vain" would imply "conceit", but nothing could be further from the truth (I have far too many stretch marks, zits and extra blubber for that).  We are not overly impressed with our appearance, but one might say we are overly concerned with it.  We sneak peaks while passing a mirror not necessarily to admire our reflection, but to ensure that everything is to our satisfaction (no green stuff lurking in our teeth, no lipstick wandering off the edges of our lips, no rebellious hairs, etc.).  So, kindly forget the textbook definition of vanity for the remainder of this post, will you?

Back to this afternoon.  The couples we are hanging out with tonight are young and beautiful.  The girlies are skinny little things with absolutely pristine hair and make-up.  They could be models.  They are also some of the sweetest people you will ever meet-- not a mean or snobby bone in their perfectly shaped bodies.  They wouldn't reject anyone based upon their lack of style.  But my vanity will not allow me to be the old frumpy matron of the group-- no way!  (At least, not without a fight.)  On the other hand, I can't look overly done-up or else my desperate attempts to appear youthful will be noticed (how embarrassing!).  Hence, the challenge of getting ready.  

I had to choose my outfit with utmost care.  I decided that the deep purple cashmere Banana Republic sweater bought for me by my 26-year old niece from San Francisco would be safe.  (The equation was simple enough: stylish store + young buyer + hip city= cool sweater.)  The added bonus being that the sweater adequately conceals the roll around my middle, which means I can actually eat dinner tonight and not have to suck in afterward.  My wide-leg jeans were a nice match (they claim to be "slimming"), so naturally they were included in the outfit as well.  Finally...shoes.  This is where I was met with a dilemma.  The jeans are a bit long and require a shoe with some height.  I don't own many of those due to my maladroit nature-- it's just safer for me to be closer to the ground.  So the shoes I chose are definitely not "cool"-- being at least 10 years old-- but will keep my jeans from dragging on the floor behind me.  Of course, I will now spend the remainder of the evening second-guessing my decision....  

As far as hair and make-up-- I didn't want to look like I'd spent a long time getting ready.  But the fact is, I did!  I thought curling my hair would be too obvious.  Nothing says, "I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror" like a head full of thick, unnatural curls.  On the other hand, I couldn't just settle for a "wash and go" style either.  Ugh-- why does life have to be so difficult??  I ended up drying my hair straight and then adding just the slightest amount of wave with my large-barreled iron.  This took longer than it would have to curl every single hair on my head.  As for make-up, well, I broke down and used foundation.  I hate that stuff!  Makes me feel like I'm rubbing greasy mud on my face.  Ew, I'm cringing just thinking about it....  But I'm suffering from a random zitfest break-out at the moment.  I don't know why my skin decided suddenly to lead a mutiny, but it currently hates me for some unknown reason.  And you understand that I can't just allow myself to walk into a room full of fresh-faced youngsters without hiding my unseemly blemishes, right?  Oh, and I'm wearing lipstick, too.  Yes, lipstick.  I'm a perpetual gloss-wearer, but tonight I needed something with a little more staying power.  But wait, there's more!  In addition to the darker shadow I have on, I am also wearing mascara.  It's another item I abhor.  No matter what they tell you, mascara (waterproof or not) does NOT come off with soap and water.  Regardless of how well I scrub the night before, I always have black flecks on my cheeks come morning.  I considered just donning my falsies, but that seemed like it would be a bit much....  Or...hmmmm.  Would it?

Do you see where my vanity has led me?  As I write it all out I admit to being a bit sheepish about the whole silly affair.  It does seem a little ridiculous to care so much.  These are friends, for Pete's sake!  Imagine what would become of me if I ever had the chance to attend a high-brow affair-- I think it might require therapy, actually.   

So, anyway, now you know my dirty little secret.  I'm vain.  And not just a little.  But, please, show me some mercy!  After all, it's not my fault-- it's genetics.